Women with austism help me please

Hey, and welcome! Yes, I understand how you feel. I was diagnosed as an adult, so spent a lot of time feeling like I never really fit. After being diagnosed I had a few months where I felt really unsettled, like I’d masked for so long I was having trouble unpicking what was me and what was the mask. That feeling eased, but I still didn’t quite feel everything was fitting together, then later the same year I was also diagnosed with ADHD. Now things make sense!

I have a few particular interests, but I don’t think others would necessarily recognise them for what they are. 

Making friends can be challenging, I basically try to be myself as much as possible (though I’m sure through habit some of the mask creeps in). My son is also autistic and I encourage him to be himself, so I feel it’s my responsibility to be a role model and show him that’s the best way. I’m open about being neurodivergent and figure anyone who could be a genuine friend will accept that and anyone who doesn’t I wouldn’t want to be friends with anyway. I’m currently actively trying to make new friends and think I’ll probably try to join a few clubs, then at least people there will share at least one interest with me.

Looks like your psychiatrist has outdated and very stereotypical view on autism. I had a colleague at work in McDonald's diagnosed with Asperger Syndrom and her special interest were eye lashes,  how to take care of them and she opened her own studio (I saw once on Facebook when u still had it) and she made use of her special interest. Yes, the technical and scientific special interests are common, but not only. For me beauty was never a special intrest, I felt kind of forced to it, when my step dad told me I have to get interested with fashion and beauty to find friends,  because I was too weird and unlikeable. It didn't work, trying to be fashionable didn't help me find friends.

Being obsessed with some character,  movie book or band is also pretty common here. I used to live in my own inner world with Bella and Edward Cullen from the twilight saga. That's why I can speak English. 

You can try with other professional. 

That is absolutely shocking from a psychiatrist. I actually can't believe I'm reading that. To laugh at you and refer to an entire group of people as peculiar is really unprofessional. 

She is also completely wrong in basically everything that she has said. Special interests can be anything. It is the intensity that matters. A band can easily be a special interest. Special interests are also not part of the diagnostic criteria. It is a part of the restricted, repetitive patterns of behaviour which also includes things like struggling with change.

Eye contact has also been debunked. Some people struggle with it, others don't. Some struggle but make it anyway.

Bad posture I can't even guess what she meant. Why would having bad posture mean you are not autistic? That is bizarre.

I'd be looking for a new psychiatrist personally. I'd probably also be making a complaint because that reaction is shocking. I'm sorry you had to deal with that.

Self diagnosis is valid but if you are considering an actual diagnosis then I'd go down a route that doesn't involve that psychiatrist.

You are not alone in the way you feel. A lot of us with lower support needs feel like we're "not autistic enough" for true support but "too autistic" to fit in and manage life.

Masking is not just a female thing, although it is done more and cab be different. There is a questionnaire for it, CAT-Q, which I found very hard to do. 

Masking, also called camouflaging is in 3 areas:

1. masking, suppressing characteristics like stimming or forcing eye contact,
2. compensation or camouflage, which is scripting, copying, researching social behaviours to fit in
3. assimilation, performing or acting to fit in while hiding the effort.

It is quite complicated, with multiple layers depending on cognitive profile.

You can judge better if you are likely to be autistic by doing the AQ-10, which has 10 questions, it the longer and more accurate AQ-50.

These and others can be found online, but the embrace-autism.com site is the easiest place to see them all.

Note thar a test does not prove it. You also have to be formally assessed. Not all psychologists can do this. It is not done by psychiatrists.

The criteria used are either DSM-5 or ICD-10. These are clinical documents describing particular behaviours and problems. You can also find the NICE guidelines online. I read them all, because of course I did.

In terms of coping, it depends on the problems you have. Sensory differences vary, but some accommodations may be needed.

What you are trying to do is live a good life, do what you want to do, while not getting overloaded and facing burnout. Burnout lasts months and reduces functioning, making you appear more autistic, since you can't mask, and your thinking becomes dysfunctional, plus you are more fragile.

It tends to involve allowing recovery time, recognising what stresses you by observing your reactions closely, then mitigating it or doing it in controlled bursts.

Just being quirky is a personality. You only want to really worry about things which are stopping you doing things or are costing too much energy.

Note that there is nothing that makes it go away, some things will always be hard or uncomfortable, but practice can make them less scary.

The biggest change is to try to take things less seriously, to not compare yourself to others, to focus on what you like, and to not demand too much of yourself. Make sure you get enough sleep and drink enough.

Try reading Gina Rippon's, The Lost Girls of Autism, she really shows the differences in presentation between women and men, although there is some cross over, maybe give this book to your psychiatrist to read too.

Have you done any online Autism tests?

What you're saying totally makes sense, it is hard when people deny that women can have autism, or when they insist that every autistic person presents the same, we don't, its a spectrum for a reason.

Not every autist is unable to look others in the eye, or get the meaning of metaphors, irony, sarcasm and a whole load of other things we're not supposed to do.

The most telling thing for me about you being autistic is that you appologised in advance for anything others might find offensive, this is something autistic women do a lot of and you've not said anything that offends me.

There are quite a lot of books on this subject written by autistic women that may appeal to you. Some of the ones I have seen recommended are:

Women and Girls with Autism Spectrum Disorder, Understanding Life Experiences from Early Childhood to Old Age - Sarah Hendrickx, Judith Gould (2015)
ISBN 978 1 84905 547 5

Autism in heels -  the untold story of a female life on the spectrum - O'Toole, Jennifer Cook (2018)
ISBN 9781510732841

If you just want to understand the autism itself then the following book is one of the most straightforwad to use ones I know if:

Autism For Dummies (2025) - ISBN 9781394301003 (paberback); ISBN 9781394301027 (ebook)

Welcome to the community JoanaDarc 

If you want to have an autism assessment and your psychiatrist is not willing or able to do this or to refer you to someone who can, you should go to your GP and tell them why you want an assessment. 

I can’t speak for your psychiatrist but I know that some psychiatrists haven’t the knowledge and training to assess patients for autism, so don’t let your experience put you off seeking assessment elsewhere.

In the meantime you can complete a preliminary AQ10 test which can give an indication if an assessment would be worthwhile.

https://docs.autismresearchcentre.com/tests/AQ10.pdf

https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/diagnosis/before-diagnosis/how-to-request-an-autism-assessment