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I'm doubting my autism diagnosis

sommersunshine

I was recently unofficial identified as autistic by a psychologist during a mental health needs assessment. I've noticed my autism ebs and flows over time. Sometimes I feel paralyzingly autistic, have meltdowns, sounds feel intolerably painful, and I can't stand how uncomfortable I feel to the point it severely impacts my mental health. Othertimes, I genuinely don't feel autistic at all. I socialize all day without crashing, can handle my sensory environment, etc. Othertimes I unmask and deep dive into my special interest and become "researcher autistic". Does anyone elses autism feel so different at different times? In comparison, my ADHD feels the same every day. The things that are difficult for me are always difficult for me. Maybe my frame of reference is off? Or maybe I'm sub-clinically autistic? 

Does anyone else feel this way? Is this normal? What does autism feel like for you guys? 

I've also noticed that the more I support myself and am accomidated, the less autistic I feel. Sensory supports makes socializing easier, masking doesn't feel nearly as burdensome. Is this normal? 

Parents

  • Sounds similar to my situation. I was seeing a counsellor who based on things I was saying suggested the possibility of Autism. She wasn't qualified to do any sort of diagnosis (and made that clear). It was a remark based on her knowledge of the subject, and her having  Autism and ADHD herself. We went through some of the content from NAS together and it was seeming a strong possibility so I put in for and am still awaiting assessment.

    While waiting, I tend to go back and forth. Sometimes I think yes, other times I'm 50/50. There are things that I have noticed though like when I get more stressed or overwhelmed, the tags on clothing become annoying, I'll pace about more, fidget in repetitive ways, be less sociable, more tired, etc. I'm never sure if things I'm picking up on are confirmation bias though. I think I had said in another thread about not wanting to use phrases saying "I have autism" before I get a diagnosis, because of the uncertainty, and not wanting to claim something if I end up not being, even if it seems likely and there is family history of Autism.

    The thing that worries my most about the assessment I think is if I am NOT diagnosed with Autism. AFAIK you can be diagnosed, but not being diagnosed doesn't mean you don't have Autism. I think that would just leave me in this weird limbo.

  • in reply to D

    The part at the end there really resonated with me: being in a weird limbo. This is why I put mine off for many years, was afraid of what it would mean. My ADHD diagnosis explained a lot. But there was something else going on, I couldn’t quite put my finger on it. The way I’d mirror people’s mannerisms and behaviour if I spent time with them and liked them. Even movie stars, I’d copy their quirks to fit in socially and express myself. The way I’d behave when really stressed, monotone voice, weird sounds I’d like when very stressed too, not able to cope with people just tuning up, routines breaking etc and need to quiet and solitude. When I finally got diagnosed the clinician said it was a very clear case of someone high functioning but masking heavily - I felt it, but didn’t know it until then. I felt a validation and risked being told ‘no’. I actually had been told in 2022 that it was ‘just anxiety’ by the first psychiatrist when I suspected ASD. I got a 2nd opinion this year and finally some answers. Turned out, the first doctor didn’t use the best criteria and tools to diagnose a high functioning adult, instead, used tools appropriate for diagnosing children (I was not a child at the time) so I was very nervous about going through it all again but glad I did. I would encourage you to pursue it as it may always be on your mind. What’s worse for you: never knowing, or getting more clarity? Which can you tolerate?

  • in reply to JB33

    Knowing more about Autism and picking up on the things like I've mentioned has already been very useful, so I'm eager to go through the assessment. Not sure if I'll feel this way after assessment, but getting a positive diagnosis doesn't bother me, just the limbo.

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  • in reply to JB33

    Knowing more about Autism and picking up on the things like I've mentioned has already been very useful, so I'm eager to go through the assessment. Not sure if I'll feel this way after assessment, but getting a positive diagnosis doesn't bother me, just the limbo.

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