Hello. Im new to this and im Julia. Single mother living alone with my daughter who is 14 and is awaiting autism diagnosis.
Hello. Im new to this and im Julia. Single mother living alone with my daughter who is 14 and is awaiting autism diagnosis.
I turned to social workers for support and then they turned against me they don't understand. Anyway at least I know now.
Ah, yes the noisy eating dislike - hehe me too...
Comes under the sensory differences category with autism. Yep I can spot a variation in appearance a mile off that could be a useful survival skill for me and the tribe but eat crisps sat next to me whilst I'm trying to watch a film with you and I'll not be a happy man...
Maybe to explain something I only recently got my head around?
There is a "window" of stress/stimulus tolerance that everyone can manage. Go above this and one is liable to mania and burnout. Go below this and there's "switch-off".
This "window" is likely to be narrower for many autistic people than for neurotypical people.
Ideally the individual themselves needs to get an insight into what their window is like and whereabouts they are in relationship to it so they are able to influence what experiences they're OK for.
As I said for me I was diagnosed 3 years ago aged 58 and I'm only now getting my head around what it means in practice rather than going on what was expected of myself and by others using "neurotypical" standards...
Meanwhile those around me might well have had a sense of what was going on for me, or they might not have - not knowing I was autistic meant that instead I was some awkward and eccentric so and so who just didn't want to engage. Here's the thing, I did... just didn't know how "disregulated" I was by these standards and that environment...
So learning what the window looks like and how to stay in it is maybe a good thing to consider for all concerned? :-)
There is then a possibilty that one might be able to explore opening the window a little further (say on a good day when the weather's nice to start with :-) )
Here's another thought tho' so not only do this take the person out of their window of stress tolerance (and that person might have been living in that state for a long time considering it to be "normall". Events and experiences can also lead to that window closing too.
As regards the getting picked on thing - I have black belts in martial arts and I still get picked on! Unfortunately comes with the territory of being "different" and sometimes not even realising one is being bullied because of the desire to fit in so much... (hehe, also (perhaps unfortunately) is it socially reprehensible to lamp people even if they are bullies...) There are some good people on here tho' who are autistic and have more subtle social skills to sort out bullies than I have so don't give up on your daughter learning them... :-)
To quote Public Image Limited: "Anger is an Energy" - helping your daughter to understand how to recognise and regulate that could be a way to go on this... Those books Iain sorted out will probably have some good ideas on that -
All the best :-)
might also be worth finding a book aimed at teenagers, girls too so your daughter can gen up on it?
Some of these could be of use:
The Spectrum Girl's Survival Guide, How to Grow Up Awesome and Autistic - Siena Castellon (2020)
ISBN 9781787751835
Aspergirls - empowering females with Asperger Syndrome - Rudy Simone (2012)
ISBN 9781849058261
Why Aren't Normal People Normal - A Girl's Survival Guide to Growing Up with Asperger Syndrome - Olley Edwards (2013)
Women and Girls with Autism Spectrum Disorder, Understanding Life Experiences from Early Childhood to Old Age - Sarah Hendrickx, Judith Gould (2015)
ISBN 978 1 84905 547 5
Autism in heels - the untold story of a female life on the spectrum - O'Toole, Jennifer Cook (2018)
ISBN 9781510732841
Six-Word Lessons on Female Asperger Syndrome - 100 Lessons to Understand and Support Girls and Women with Asperger's - Tracey Cohen (2015)
Note that Aspergers was the term used for "high functioning autism" up until about 2013.
Thank you for your message Phased. My daughter struggles being on her own. She gets picked on at times at school and she says she has no friends. I tried my best to get support but I backed down when they started pointing the finger at me and accusing me of this, that and the other. It's so hard being a parent and on your own. My daughter refuses to eat and today she refused because she heard me eating next to her. She got angry.
Hi Juliet
I'm an autistic dad of a not formally diagnosed autistic daughter - who is now aged 27 I think she knows she's autistic but doesn't outwardly acknowledge it as much as I do - I hope and believe that is because her insight into the condition began developing far earlier than mine and she is more comfortable in society than I was at the same age.
Good advice to learn what one can -
might also be worth finding a book aimed at teenagers, girls too so your daughter can gen up on it? Was one recommended on this website via a chat a dew weeks ago, sorry can't recall the title.
It is somewhat ironic that being independent is tricky when one is autistic as by the initial terminology an autistic person prefers to be on their own!
General consensus I hold to is that being autistic is of itself not problematic however the problems arise as a consequence of living in a predominantly non-autistic society and perhaps the experiences you sadly find are part of that.
My lovely daughter is doing very well if that helps give some optimism for the future. I must say tho' that the journey hasn't been plain sailing.
You and yours have my very best wishes. :-)
The schools do nothing and assume she is a typical teenager, they don't recognise anything until a former diagnosis is made
I believe they should be willing to engage with you to discuss if there are any issues that are affecting her education that stem from her autism.
There is some advice on this here: https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/education/extra-help-at-school/england
I believe you need to identify the areas your daughter needs help with, contact the schools Special Educational Needs Co-ordinator (SENCO) and ask for a meeting to discuss it.
Do you know how long the wait is for her diagnosis? If it is years then you can ask your GP for "the right to choose" path which will get a private diagnosis paid by the GP much faster - well so long as you live in England.
If you want to get a better idea of the probability of a diagnosis then there are plenty of free online autism tests that you can do which give a reasonable indication - it helps give confidence in your suspicions and should encourage further research.
I would also make notes of the autistic traits the tests highlight (both for her and you) and you can use these as talking points in the assessment.
For reading up on autism I can recommend the following book with is easy to dip in and out of and does not require you to read it cover to cover like most books on the subject:
Autism For Dummies (2025) - ISBN 9781394301003 (paberback); ISBN 9781394301027 (ebook)
Welcome Juliet!
I am sorry you're having trouble with school, it is frustrating being in that in between stage, especially as she is 14 now and... this support would have been helpful sooner. You sound like you've doing the best you can which is what your daughter needs, a wonderful mum and running a business too. Wow!! It's easier said than done, I know but try to be kind to yourself 
Thank you for your replies to Iain and Stuart. In the 1980's there was no knowledge of autism and suddenly all this notices of autism. The trouble is the government can't find the budgets and we hear it all the time on the news. If we were not made aware of autism then we wouldn't have been the wiser. I could possibly be autistic and my daughter's dad and his uncle is autistic. I'm not too bothered now I was really anxious before, but there's nothing I can do. The school my daughter goes to is a Mainstream school. She's finding independence hard but I was told that is apart of autism. I got a book on autism from the library. The schools do nothing and assume she is a typical teenager, they don't recognise anything until a former diagnosis is made. There's only so much I can do. I'm a single mother and running a business.
Hello Juliet, welcome to the community.
Stuart is right - apologies that there was no welcome wagon when you first posted.
Has the school SENCO been contacted about the suspected autism? They should be the ones helping with adapting school life for your daughter even while you wait for a diagnosis.
14 if a difficult age as so much change starts to come into her life beween exams, puberty making her own body change, romantic interests starting to appear, peer pressure ramping up and the urge to be considered more grown up.
Also for yourself, have you considered if you could be "on the spectrum" yourself? There is a high probability that autism / ADHD etc is inherited from one or both parents, and our generations were much less likely to be diagnosed early as the understanding wasn't really there at the time.
Have you had a chance to educate yourself on autism? There is a great section at the top of the screen called Advice and Guidance which can give a lot of ideas, or you can ask here is there are any specific areas you want to talk about - we have a great pool of knowledge and experience to draw upon.
It's good to have you here - let us know how we can help.
