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Hello and suggestions please

Tim_W21

Hi 

I've just joined, so 'hello', and am looking for some thoughts or suggestions of resources to help me better support my partner who is late diagnosed with autism (late 50s).

She works extremely hard at a job that can be both physically and emotionally challenging, but largely enjoys it. What I've read about burnout certainly resonates with how she seems to be at the moment. She has always particularly struggled with crowds and overwhelm in certain overstimulating situations, which I can understand. But there are other situations that I feel less equipped or struggle with the patience to help. For example, we were recently stuck in a traffic jam with little or no options as an alternative route. She had a meltdown but I just didn't know what to do. My immediate reaction to situations like these is to try come up with a 'solution' or to get out of it as soon as possible, but this was not an option. I must admit that in the back of my mind I was thinking, 'it's just traffic, no big deal, and why are you getting so worked up about it'. I tried to explain that we could try and find an alternative route or stop - but I guess I couldn't hide my irritation, which made matters worse.

If anyone has any suggestions about supporting in circumstances such as this, or other resources, courses etc for a husband who wants to be a better support, would be most appreciated. Many thanks  

  • in reply to Anna Mod

    Many thanks Anna, I will certainly check these out.

  • in reply to Misheard Lyrics

    Thank you. Yes, we have been a couple for many years, but as Iain mentioned above, the meltdowns and anxiety seem to be more frequent and more intense. There is still a lot of navigating to do and adjusting to a new perspective, so thank you for your insights.

  • in reply to Iain

    Thank you for taking the time - it's much appreciated. I will search these suggestions out. Many thanks

  • Hello Tim, it's great to see you reaching out for advice for your partner - kudos for that.

    There are some good links already given for strategies to help in future so I'll add something that  touches on.

    Post diagnosis is a time many autists struggle with everything from their identity, self worth and sometimes imposter syndrome so these will all be extra taxing on her already strained mental health.

    Reading up on it (some book links below) and trying to be supportive are probably the best things you can do now.

    Older autists also start to experience an accumulation of many small (and some large) traumas along the way and by the time they are in their 40s or 50s will find this really shortens their time between periods of burnout or meltdown.

    I was in the same situation but found that working with a psychotherapist who really understood autism was the most effective way to come to terms with the things I was going through, deal with the root causes of the traumas that were causing some of my behavioral issues and come to really understand myself so I could advocate for myself effectively.

    Your partner most likely has other issues as a result of her gender from harrassment to hormones so she will have a lot on her plate and needs you to be there to support her.

    Here are the books that may be of use to you:

    Autism For Dummies (2025) - ISBN 9781394301003 (paberback); ISBN 9781394301027 (ebook)

    Loving someone with Asperger's syndrome_ understanding & connecting with your partner - Ariel, Cindy N (2012) ISBN 9781608820771

    The Other Half of Asperger Syndrome - Maxine Aston (2013)  ISBN 9781849054980

    The following may be of use to your partner:

    Very Late Diagnosis of Asperger Syndrome - Wylie, Philip_ Beardon, Luke_ Heath, Sara  (2014) ISBN 9781849054331

    Women and Girls with Autism Spectrum Disorder, Understanding Life Experiences from Early Childhood to Old Age - Sarah Hendrickx, Judith Gould (2015) ISBN 978 1 84905 547 5

    Autism in heels -  the untold story of a female life on the spectrum - O'Toole, Jennifer Cook (2018) ISBN 9781510732841

  • Hi, I'm a late diagnosed autistic woman, (at age 56). It's great that you're looking for ways to be a better support for your partner, and there are a lot of resources here and elsewhere which could help. But if you don't mind me asking, were you already a couple before she was diagnosed? If so, how did you both manage challenging situations before? I know that it's stating the obvious, but you are the same people post diagnosis.

    If her diagnosis is recent, you are both very likely going through a lot of emotions.There is no shame in seeking counselling if either or both of you need it. Ideally you were offered some help afterwards anyway, but in any case educating yourself about autism is very important for her as well. I personally realised that after decades of "masking" and people pleasing to try to fit in I didn't really know who I was. Accepting the diagnosis is an ongoing process, even if you were expecting the result, and it is challenging, wonderful and very scary all at the same time. There can be much relief and a new clarity but also a lot of anger and sadness at finally finding out, and looking back on your life from the new perspective.

    Books and online resouces are widespread and could be very helpful, and also meeting with others in the same sort of situation. Are there any face to face support groups for couples like yourselves where you live? Some might meet at a local library for example, it's worth asking.

    Best wishes, I hope that you are able to find the help you need.

  • Hello Tim_W21,

    Welcome to the forum and I really hope you find some useful advice here.

    Thank you for your post. It is lovely to hear you want to find out more about the diagnosis. 

    At the NAS we have a wealth of advice and guidance pages which may be beneficial. 

    First of all, we have a section dedicated to diagnosis and after diagnosis. Please find the link here:

    https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/diagnosis

    There are some strategies detailed here which may help:

    https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/support-strategies-and-interventions

    And advice around going out:

    https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/going-out-leisure-and-travel

    I hope something there is useful to you and your partner. 

    With best wishes, 

    Anna Mod