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Hello and happy November

BlondeRagdoll

Hello there,

I am new to this forum and am hoping  to possibly connect with people that may have similar struggles to those I have. I was diagnosed with ADHD earlier this year and whilst I haven't had a formal autism diagnosis (I moved county and as such my assessments were cancelled halfway through completion due to area funding) I have taken the stance to self diagnose. I haven't got it in me yet to begin the process of diagnosis again after months of waiting. I have struggled with bouts of depression and crippling anxiety (particularly social) since as long as I can remember and it was the numerous trips to mental health professionals that first suggested I am autistic. 

I am married but sadly because of my struggles my husband and I are separated. Marriage never felt right but I suppose you could say I am easily led if other people seem happy for me even if I don't. I also finally realised I am asexual which brings about its own difficulties being in a relationship with a heterosexual and neurotypical individual.  My marriage lasted 16 months. 

One of my biggest struggles is this huge contradiction; I feel crippling lonliness yet at the same time get so anxious at the thought of meeting people. I feel like I can't connect to people, including family. Outside of work I don't speak to anyone except myself and my cat and I worry that I will become a bitter old lady because socialising is just so difficult. It feels at times like I am the only person in the world that feels like this but I know I can't be. 

I don't mean to sound 'woe be me', I am voicing thoughts and struggles which someone may resonate with. 

On a more uplifting note, hello everyone and happy November Blush 

Parents

  • Hello, happy November.

    Contradictions and confusion is part of it. You are not alone.

    Being easily led is probably part of masking. Sensory differences can make intimacy strange too.

    If you have fight flight active and your nervous system doesn't feel safe, even if you know you are, it will get in the way.

    I have spent a lot of time recently analysing my life. I have managed to derive a lot of masking behaviours from first principles. I will post a new thread on this, may be longish, maybe tonight.

    It is a topic that confuses everyone, including me, but is very useful once understood.

Reply

  • Hello, happy November.

    Contradictions and confusion is part of it. You are not alone.

    Being easily led is probably part of masking. Sensory differences can make intimacy strange too.

    If you have fight flight active and your nervous system doesn't feel safe, even if you know you are, it will get in the way.

    I have spent a lot of time recently analysing my life. I have managed to derive a lot of masking behaviours from first principles. I will post a new thread on this, may be longish, maybe tonight.

    It is a topic that confuses everyone, including me, but is very useful once understood.

Children
  • in reply to Stuart333

    I too have been analysing a lot. Learning about neurodiversity and getting a diagnosis has begun to lead to some sort of clarity about why I am the way I am. Masking is very interesting and learning about it makes me see how much I have been doing it throughout my life. It might also explain why I feel burned out, always putting on that face to fit in. I look forward to reading your post.