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Beginning to understand the past

Rosalinda

Hello,

I am really sad today because my brother was here for a couple of days from Portsmouth after  many years of seperation and I am convinced that his problems with our fragmented family are as a result of Autism which no one even knew existed when we were children.  He was totsally misunderstood and had such a hard time of life.

For 2 days he did not stop talking even when I went to the loo - I was exhausted but was determied to remain on good terms   I told him I thought he was Autistic and amy have ADHD.  He had told me about what appeared to be meltdowns.  We had started texting for 18 months until he finally trusted me to tell me about his meltdowns.

He is a lovely chap who has made his life as a children's entertainer and I am - as he is, so glad that at last we have come to understnad each other, he said he thought I was great which also made me feel better because basically my life has afllen apart and I am so lonley.  Looking back I can see all the overreactions and misunderstandings and difficulties.  All the people in the family who ended up in mental institutiuons due to breakdowns etc etc.

I found out 4 years ago that my eldest daughter has Asbergers - she lectures at a university but will not have anything to do with me, she can't manage a relationship with me despite my years of trying. I love her and miuss her.  When I found out she had Asbergers it took me a couple of months to come to terms with all the changes I had to make in my mind about her behaviour which I could never understand.  This story could write a bokk so I have to stop just now except to say I think everyone i my family has some form of Autism, I look back now and think my mother had Asbergers, the repercussions were awful for us all as children and she carried her destructions on until she died

I feel so alone I wish I could talk to someone who understood how all this can be possible, it is all so complicated and now I am almost 80 too much as I have been a sort of rock which for the last two years has been crumbling and that has also caused all sorts of alienation.

Thank you for reading this

Ros

  • Hi 

    That's such a lot to carry. 

    It takes a lot to share something so personal, and I hope things start to feel a bit easier for you soon.

    Sending warm wishes.

  • Unfortunately, we can't control those we love. It must be painful to bear with, but time shall heal.

  • in reply to Rosalinda

    You are still welcome to be part of this community if you wish.

    I hope things improve for you - look after yourself.

  • in reply to Lotus

    Thanks for this.  I did the test and scored 15  which does not indicate that I am autistic.  I did not think I was tbh.  My friends consider me to bestorng and don't know how I have managed and put up with what I have been through, nor do I but I do know I can take no more

  • Hi and welcome to the community. I'm sorry to hear you are feeling sad, but please try to take comfort in knowing your brother better now.

    It may be that you are also on the spectrum - if you are curious you can take an online test called the AQ50. And there are articles in the advice and guidance section of this website to help you learn more about autism, including what it is, how it affects behaviour & identity, mental health and relationships:

    https://psychology-tools.com/test/autism-spectrum-quotient

    https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance?utm_source=Community&utm_medium=Navigation&utm_campaign=SendToNAS&utm_content=AdviceGuidance

    Many of us older autistic adults have had similar issues as you with family relationships, including me (I'm a woman in my mid sixties) so be assured that you are understood here. I hope you stay on this forum and chat with us, and that it helps you feel less lonely. 

  • in reply to Stuart333

    Stuart, thankyou, but before my brother came to visit I was trying hard to think of the good things but could not think of one.  This was because all I could remember was the trouble he seemed to cause in the family.  Now I see that this is because no one knew what was wrong with him or why he was unable to learn at school and kept getting expelled.  He and I talked about this which is good and we are both aware that no one understood ADHD and Autism etc.  Sadly my other brother kept haveing breakdowns and my sister was wierd, In fact and I do not exagerate, our whole family was I think on the spectrum.  One of the main problems is that few of the family have any empathy.  I think I am fortunate - although not entirely unaffected, I can't take too much pressure, because my fahtre was an Italian POW and I take after him a lot according to my family who I met 20 years ago.

    My mother and my daughter have spread so much unhappiness, anger, hatred and confusion in the family, I have retruned again and again with compassion and always tried to forgive but now I have nothing left

  • in reply to Rosalinda

    It's no problem. I'm sorry you feel sad.

    I don't have a good solution. I suppose it is to think of the good times you actually had rather than the possible good times you could have had. It is tempting to have rose tinted glasses and imagine only good things, but of course if things had been different there would have been bad times as well.

    I hope you have something nice over the weekend, a nice cake, or visit to a tea shop, or just watching the garden.

  • Thank you Stuart for caring enough to respond to my misspelt message, I appreciate it

    Ros

  • Hello, thank you for your thoughtful post.

    I'm pleased you had a chance to talk to your brother and that now have some understanding.

    It's sad and difficult though to realise later in life that all the struggles may not have needed to happen if only the knowledge had been there earlier.

    It also hard when you can't always talk to the people you want to.

    Misunderstandings are too easy.

    Reframing the past and coming to terms with it takes time. The more past there is, the more there is to think about.