Diagnosed yesterday.. feel lost, confused and guilty

It takes two to make a child, Your partner must have autism-associated alleles, otherwise your genetic input as far as autism goes would have, most likely, been diluted in your children.

Don't feel guilty, autism causes problems, but autistic people tend to be more truthful, loyal and are less manipulative of others than the general population.

It tends to be swings and roundabouts with inherited traits. My children, one autistic the other an ADHDer, also inherited intelligence and artistic and musical abilities. They are both kind and thoughtful people. 

Welcome!

34 here, diagnosed at 30. I have two kids, one with ASD/ADHD and one that might be on the spectrum. I can understand the guilt about genetics, but I tend to focus more on my daughter has someone that can understand what she’s going through with me having the same diagnosis. The same goes the other way; No one will ever understand me like she will.

As for discovering your attraction to women after being married to a man, that’s tough. I don’t want to go into details, but my wife and I are facing a somewhat similar struggle, What has really saved us is couples’ counseling, because it has made communication much better between us. My advice is to consider marriage counseling and then determine from there what is best for you and your family.

 Bunny ‘s resources are always great, so definitely check them out. Especially considering the support groups. It sounds as though you really need a community to help lift you up, and this is a good start coming here to this forum. I wish you the best!

Congratulations on your diagnosis and welcome to the community.

Following a diagnosis, it can be common for us to experience a lot of emotional dysregulation. Besides perhaps feeling some relief about now having an explanation for our past difficulties, this can also include working through a phase where we experience guilt, confusion, uncertainty, so-called "imposter syndrome", and/or (backward-focused) anger, frustration, grieving, and more. So please don't worry - it can be a very unpleasant phase, but also a normal one for many.

As for many others here, my own diagnosis turned out to be much more of the start of a new journey, rather than a conclusion full of instant solutions for my difficulties.

The NAS has a great set of articles focused on "after diagnosis", including one covering how you might feel during the subsequent days / weeks / months. You might find them of interest and/or helpful:

NAS - How you might feel after a diagnosis

NAS - Other advice covering post-diagnosis including:

• Talking about and disclosing your autism diagnosis
• Emotional support for family members after a diagnosis
• Formal support following an autism diagnosis
• What can I do if formal support is not offered or is not enough

JessOnTheSpectrum said:

I'm hoping for some advice on how to process this part of my diagnosis?

In respect of getting help to process your diagnosis and work through your feelings, therapy (or counselling) is often recommended after a diagnosis, as a follow up action for your GP to arrange. If you prefer, depending on where you are in the UK, you may instead be able to self refer for talking therapy on the NHS.

Before arranging it, you might find it helpful to borrow or buy this book, which includes discussion of various types of therapy and counselling, together with advice on choosing the right therapist or counsellor - all from an autistic person's viewpoint. Several of us here have found it very helpful:

The Autistic Survival Guide to Therapy

This book also taught me some important principles and enabled me to make some immediate, helpful changes - perhaps you might find it useful, too:

Self-Care for Autistic People: 100+ Ways to Recharge, De-Stress, and Unmask!

JessOnTheSpectrum said:

Then there's the fact I have no friends. There is no local autism groups near me, I'm not on social media, how am I to try making a friend? I feel so lonely.

Perhaps the best suggestion I can offer is to ask your GP for a referral to a social prescriber (I'm part way though my own course of support with one). The prescriber's /  link worker's role is to work with you, potentially over several sessions, to develop a personalised care and support plan that meets your practical, social and emotional needs. 

Your goals could include helping you to find new friends, for example. The article below explains more (it relates to NHS England, but the model operates throughout the UK):

NHS England - Social prescribing

You might be able to find some socialising opportunities via the the NAS's directory - whether through a local NAS branch, or other types of support group or social programmes:

NAS - Autism Services Directory

JessOnTheSpectrum said:

I know people are going to say its not your fault, you didn't know etc but instead I'm hoping for some advice on how to process this part of my diagnosis? Or anyone that feels the same way?

Focusing on your feelings about your children, you might find it helpful to check out Autistic Parents UK, whose resources include peer support via both Facebook and Discord, facilitated groups, and one-on-one support:

"Autistic Parents UK CIO was founded in 2020 by Autistic parents seeking connection and support, born from a deep understanding of the unique challenges Autistic individuals face while navigating parenthood. We are the only national, Autistic-led charity offering essential support services, resources, education and a thriving community for Autistic parents."

Facebook - Autistic Parents UK - Peer Support Group

Autistic Parents UK

If you'd like to speak directly with someone about it (ie by phone), then you could also consider seeking emotional support from other parents who are, or who have been, in a similar situation via the NAS's parent-to-parent helpline. You can request a call here:

NAS - Parent to Parent Emotional Support Helpline