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I despair about my pointless adulthood

lonelyautie

I'm a burned out adult. I have been marginalized and excluded for 15 years since society's demands became incompatible with my autism. I can't get justice from any of the systems that failed and harmed me. I failed A Levels and can't function like a normal adult. I have no help and suffer alone. I'm crying as I write this. The alienation is unbearable. Being misunderstood by everyone, especially malignant misunderstandings, tortures me.

School and CAMHS 11 years ago, NHS, autistic spaces have all marginalized me and it crushes me. Life is meaningless no matter how hard I try to make it meaningful. Being an excluded alien makes everything I do futile and meaningless. I'm bored of special interests, hobbies, hyperfixations, knowing that it's all to pass the time until my old age. I feel trapped on a planet I don't belong to.

Society relentlessly treats me like I'm worthless, invisible and disposable. Watching neurotypicals have meaningful lives is isolating. They have a beautiful structure to life that I crave. When I try to get anything for myself, the system pushes me away. I'll never know what graduation or other milestones feel like.

I'm forced to constantly wonder the point of it all. If I could cure my alienation with logic and practical things, I would've done it by now. I've tried everything. I'm so deeply tired of this life. I'm approaching 30 and I am going more and more crazy from the pointlessness.

Parents

  • Hi - I just wanted to say hello and say how sorry I am that you are feeling like this. I think a lot of us have times when these sorts of feelings and thoughts are very difficult to deal with. You are not worthless, but yes: society can be cruel and make us feel like we are. I was lucky to meet my partner when I was younger - had we not found each other both of us would most likely have been very lonely people. I find so many aspects of life so difficult, and that especially includes dealing with people. So I empathise. There are no easy answers sadly. However you only have this life and even though it might not feel like it sometimes life is precious. What’s helped me is mindfulness (which I’ve learned from the teachings of Thich Nhat Hanh/Plum Village). It takes practice but in my experience it definitely helps. Focusing on the present moment and the small pleasures of day to day life, not dwelling on the past or looking far into the future - it can help us to ruminate less. 30 is actually quite young! So that’s a good thing! I do know how it feels to feel that life is pointless - I’ve felt that myself many times. It’s hard to feel that way. In some ways there is no point to life! But there is pleasure to be found if you try to find it in the little things of day to day life. Thanks for sharing on here - because as a community knowing we are not alone in our struggles is a great help to us all.

  • in reply to Kate Kestrel

    yes I think sharing my feelings is the only use I have in this world 

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