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I despair about my pointless adulthood

lonelyautie

I'm a burned out adult. I have been marginalized and excluded for 15 years since society's demands became incompatible with my autism. I can't get justice from any of the systems that failed and harmed me. I failed A Levels and can't function like a normal adult. I have no help and suffer alone. I'm crying as I write this. The alienation is unbearable. Being misunderstood by everyone, especially malignant misunderstandings, tortures me.

School and CAMHS 11 years ago, NHS, autistic spaces have all marginalized me and it crushes me. Life is meaningless no matter how hard I try to make it meaningful. Being an excluded alien makes everything I do futile and meaningless. I'm bored of special interests, hobbies, hyperfixations, knowing that it's all to pass the time until my old age. I feel trapped on a planet I don't belong to.

Society relentlessly treats me like I'm worthless, invisible and disposable. Watching neurotypicals have meaningful lives is isolating. They have a beautiful structure to life that I crave. When I try to get anything for myself, the system pushes me away. I'll never know what graduation or other milestones feel like.

I'm forced to constantly wonder the point of it all. If I could cure my alienation with logic and practical things, I would've done it by now. I've tried everything. I'm so deeply tired of this life. I'm approaching 30 and I am going more and more crazy from the pointlessness.

Parents

  • i'm so sorry to hear this! Maybe try make your own milestones? rather than depend on those made for you - so what if you don't graduate. I did and it's got me a sum total of nowhere. What about milestones like, got out of bed today, had a walk, connected with someone online, I don't know maybe things more pertinent to you. Perhaps you set goals that are too high for yourself. Remember neurotypical people appear happy and balanced but like everyone else they feel alone sometimes, suffer depression, get confused etc. try not to see the grass as greener for everyone else.... instead if your special interests are not working take some rest or get new ones. 

    I'll pray for you! 

  • in reply to DaughteroftheKing

    thank you for replying, the despair is a PTSD that visits me every day and I can't escape it, the NHS doesn't care about my autistic PTSD, every pathway refuses me MH support unfortunately

Reply Children
  • in reply to lonelyautie

    Thats very sad. The state of mental health help is poor here. I will pray for you to get help - keep trying! Never give up, you are worth it. Is there another way? there's nothing wrong in feeling despair - it can be healthy to stop us wanting something we clearly can't have. But it does not end there. There is always another way - try to be open to where you can get assistance and should you sink into despair don't forget there are various crisis lines which can help you. Talking to others is a start - you are doing well to open up here. Try to do what you can for your own mental health - even a good counsellor is not a qucik fix. I will pray for you