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I despair about my pointless adulthood

lonelyautie

I'm a burned out adult. I have been marginalized and excluded for 15 years since society's demands became incompatible with my autism. I can't get justice from any of the systems that failed and harmed me. I failed A Levels and can't function like a normal adult. I have no help and suffer alone. I'm crying as I write this. The alienation is unbearable. Being misunderstood by everyone, especially malignant misunderstandings, tortures me.

School and CAMHS 11 years ago, NHS, autistic spaces have all marginalized me and it crushes me. Life is meaningless no matter how hard I try to make it meaningful. Being an excluded alien makes everything I do futile and meaningless. I'm bored of special interests, hobbies, hyperfixations, knowing that it's all to pass the time until my old age. I feel trapped on a planet I don't belong to.

Society relentlessly treats me like I'm worthless, invisible and disposable. Watching neurotypicals have meaningful lives is isolating. They have a beautiful structure to life that I crave. When I try to get anything for myself, the system pushes me away. I'll never know what graduation or other milestones feel like.

I'm forced to constantly wonder the point of it all. If I could cure my alienation with logic and practical things, I would've done it by now. I've tried everything. I'm so deeply tired of this life. I'm approaching 30 and I am going more and more crazy from the pointlessness.

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  • Hey I feel the exact same way , im not exaggerating either im so happy yet sad you post this , sad because your sad but happy to know we are not alone in this experience.

    Im 23 though but I've been living alone for 7 years now so I feel as i can't relate to people my age usually in that department.

    I  feel useless, I have insomniac, and bpd aswell as autism,and elhers danlos and kindly stones and health problems.

    I have no friends i have a reltionship but i feel like im very lucky to have one.

    I look at my neighbours having white picket fence life's and think i could never have kids or baby and stuff I mean I don't want to but I'm jealous that they have the option mentally capable.

    I was going to pass biology my mock exams consistently showing grade B or equivalent, and i failed as soon as I did tests I panicking under time and got a D.

    I still like my special interests but I have this feeling that I shouldn't enjoy myself and need to do something with my life pressure or I'm doomed, or my contamination ocd takes over for whole day or I find chores to do to punish myself for not being functional or perfect, this burns me out and even seeing my mum once a month is really hard she's very full on neurotypical,and going outside for 2 hours to talk to someone who isn't autstic burns me out somtimes I don't eat or drink properly whole day unless my chores are done cause its not good enough I need to be better.

    The one that gets to me is that even other autstic people in groups have just not really bothered with me I feel excluded makes me feel like a right freakshow if my own people don't even like me.

    I didn't mean to go on about myself I just thought we could relate and I don't mind if you wanted to message me to talk further.

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  • Hey I feel the exact same way , im not exaggerating either im so happy yet sad you post this , sad because your sad but happy to know we are not alone in this experience.

    Im 23 though but I've been living alone for 7 years now so I feel as i can't relate to people my age usually in that department.

    I  feel useless, I have insomniac, and bpd aswell as autism,and elhers danlos and kindly stones and health problems.

    I have no friends i have a reltionship but i feel like im very lucky to have one.

    I look at my neighbours having white picket fence life's and think i could never have kids or baby and stuff I mean I don't want to but I'm jealous that they have the option mentally capable.

    I was going to pass biology my mock exams consistently showing grade B or equivalent, and i failed as soon as I did tests I panicking under time and got a D.

    I still like my special interests but I have this feeling that I shouldn't enjoy myself and need to do something with my life pressure or I'm doomed, or my contamination ocd takes over for whole day or I find chores to do to punish myself for not being functional or perfect, this burns me out and even seeing my mum once a month is really hard she's very full on neurotypical,and going outside for 2 hours to talk to someone who isn't autstic burns me out somtimes I don't eat or drink properly whole day unless my chores are done cause its not good enough I need to be better.

    The one that gets to me is that even other autstic people in groups have just not really bothered with me I feel excluded makes me feel like a right freakshow if my own people don't even like me.

    I didn't mean to go on about myself I just thought we could relate and I don't mind if you wanted to message me to talk further.

Children