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I despair about my pointless adulthood

lonelyautie

I'm a burned out adult. I have been marginalized and excluded for 15 years since society's demands became incompatible with my autism. I can't get justice from any of the systems that failed and harmed me. I failed A Levels and can't function like a normal adult. I have no help and suffer alone. I'm crying as I write this. The alienation is unbearable. Being misunderstood by everyone, especially malignant misunderstandings, tortures me.

School and CAMHS 11 years ago, NHS, autistic spaces have all marginalized me and it crushes me. Life is meaningless no matter how hard I try to make it meaningful. Being an excluded alien makes everything I do futile and meaningless. I'm bored of special interests, hobbies, hyperfixations, knowing that it's all to pass the time until my old age. I feel trapped on a planet I don't belong to.

Society relentlessly treats me like I'm worthless, invisible and disposable. Watching neurotypicals have meaningful lives is isolating. They have a beautiful structure to life that I crave. When I try to get anything for myself, the system pushes me away. I'll never know what graduation or other milestones feel like.

I'm forced to constantly wonder the point of it all. If I could cure my alienation with logic and practical things, I would've done it by now. I've tried everything. I'm so deeply tired of this life. I'm approaching 30 and I am going more and more crazy from the pointlessness.

Parents

  • Hi, I’m so sorry you are feeling this way. I hope you feel better soon. I know how you feel as I have been through pretty much exactly the same as you. Do you have any hobbies you enjoy doing in your spare time? I personally find gaming to be helpful as it has me focused on the game and not on the issues. Sorry I can’t give much advise but please do take care of yourself 

  • in reply to Deleted User

    thank you for the reply, at least I'm not alone in my experiences

  • in reply to lonelyautie

    Your not alone because I've had pretty much the same too.

    I've managed to hit milestones of buying a house and getting married but,

    she's divorcing me  and I'm selling my house. Now living with my parents at 35 years old. I'm telling you this because I'm recently diagnosed as autistic and I believe its not the autism that's the problem. It's the fact that we are expected to adapt for people that aren't prepared to stick with us.

    My point is ... We can't control milestones or others but we can make our lives more comfortable.

    Im learning quantam physics equations, people without my differences would be in a self destructive state maybe? We're blessed as well remember that even though I'm a newbie.

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  • in reply to lonelyautie

    Your not alone because I've had pretty much the same too.

    I've managed to hit milestones of buying a house and getting married but,

    she's divorcing me  and I'm selling my house. Now living with my parents at 35 years old. I'm telling you this because I'm recently diagnosed as autistic and I believe its not the autism that's the problem. It's the fact that we are expected to adapt for people that aren't prepared to stick with us.

    My point is ... We can't control milestones or others but we can make our lives more comfortable.

    Im learning quantam physics equations, people without my differences would be in a self destructive state maybe? We're blessed as well remember that even though I'm a newbie.

Children