Hi everyone, not sure if I’m welcome here as I’m currently awaiting ADHD & Autism assessment(not diagnosed)and feel more isolated and misunderstood than ever.
I am riding waves of denial “no possible way I’m Autistic” (If I find a true interest in something I feel I have to know everything about it. I’m currently researching Autism day after day, sometimes into the early hours of the morning even strongly contemplating doing a Level 2 certificate in understanding Autism qualification) then I learn about certain traits and behaviours to think maybe I am, actually no, surely everyone does this/feels like this, is everyone a little autistic? I’ve even questioned myself am I making this all up, I think gaslighting is the correct term?
I barely go out and socialise as I really don’t enjoy it but I always try to fit into social/work situations by acting and saying what I think the other person will be happy with but recently I’ve found myself on a couple of occasions speaking my mind, what I feel and want to say where I definitely know I wouldn’t prior to all this. Why couldn’t I do this before?
I have done every Autism questionnaire under the sun and all come back high/likely but I question they’re all wrong. Am I going crazy or can anyone else relate to what I’m experiencing? Things I’ve picked up on now…I think I stim through sighing deeply, crossing my toes, I dislike and find it difficult to make eye contact(I look at people’s mouths, even on TV?!) I hear every little sound in an environment and when I try not to focus on them, they’re just heightened and it makes me uncomfortable. I often talk in a funny voice or repeat movie quotes when alone or to my dog or in the Sky remote. Two things that bug me as they are right in front of me is…the 4 people I only click with in my life are Autistic and/or have ADHD…does this mean anything? and my father(deceased) suffered with depression throughout his life, taught himself to play the piano by age 5, could play the guitar, was a very good artist, tailor, and was very bright…maybe he was Autistic and went under the radar due to his generation(born 1945)
Also, how do I prepare for the fact that I could be told, no you don’t have either, you’re neurotypical?! This is scary.
Sorry for long post and over sharing but as mentioned above I literally feel completely lost in limbo and feel completely alone and misunderstood!
Alex
