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Hello everyone, awaiting assessment & struggling.

Alexandre

Hi everyone, not sure if I’m welcome here as I’m currently awaiting ADHD & Autism assessment(not diagnosed)and feel more isolated and misunderstood than ever. 

I am riding waves of denial “no possible way I’m Autistic” (If I find a true interest in something I feel I have to know everything about it. I’m currently researching Autism day after day, sometimes into the early hours of the morning even strongly contemplating doing a Level 2 certificate in understanding Autism qualification) then I learn about certain traits and behaviours to think maybe I am, actually no, surely everyone does this/feels like this, is everyone a little autistic? I’ve even questioned myself am I making this all up, I think gaslighting is the correct term?

I barely go out and socialise as I really don’t enjoy it but I always try to fit into social/work situations by acting and saying what I think the other person will be happy with but recently I’ve found myself on a couple of occasions speaking my mind, what I feel and want to say where I definitely know I wouldn’t prior to all this. Why couldn’t I do this before?

I have done every Autism questionnaire under the sun and all come back high/likely but I question they’re all wrong. Am I going crazy or can anyone else relate to what I’m experiencing? Things I’ve picked up on now…I think I stim through sighing deeply, crossing my toes, I dislike and find it difficult to make eye contact(I look at people’s mouths, even on TV?!) I hear every little sound in an environment and when I try not to focus on them, they’re just heightened and it makes me uncomfortable. I often talk in a funny voice or repeat movie quotes when alone or to my dog or in the Sky remote. Two things that bug me as they are right in front of me is…the 4 people I only click with in my life are Autistic and/or have ADHD…does this mean anything? and my father(deceased) suffered with depression throughout his life, taught himself to play the piano by age 5, could play the guitar, was a very good artist, tailor, and was very bright…maybe he was Autistic and went under the radar due to his generation(born 1945)

Also, how do I prepare for the fact that I could be told, no you don’t have either, you’re neurotypical?! This is scary.

Sorry for long post and over sharing but as mentioned above I literally feel completely lost in limbo and feel completely alone and misunderstood!

Alex 

  • Hi Alexandre, hope you’re feeling a bit better. I know how you feel about thinking if you’re Autistic or not, even when I was diagnosed with autism I would still think is it just me maybe I’m just a socially awkward person who just gets anxious and doesn’t like talking to people face to face. I’m 34 now and trying to get a bit more confident and socialise more, coming on here and chatting with people who understand has helped, also having other friends that are autistic or have ADHD is perfectly fine and if anything is better as they are more understanding, not saying friends who don’t have autism or ADHD can not understand, just that having a friend with autism or ADHD is better to be around and talk to. Also when you talk in a funny voice and are repeating movie quotes that’s fine. I actually do the same from films and games, especially from Lord of the Rings and The Elder Scrolls. I even have a sword prop where I will reenact the fight scenes from the films.

  • Hi and welcome to the community. I don't have a formal diagnosis, partly due to fear I'd be told I wasn't autistic due to decades of high masking (I'm in my sixties and didn't realise I was on the spectrum until I was in my fifties). But everyone is welcome here.

  • Hi Alexandre! Welcome to the forum! Slight smile

    When I first started to suspect I might be autistic, I went into panic mode. Every test I took suggested I scored high, yet my daily life looked so "normal". I had a relationship, a job, and friends. Everything seemed good on the outside. So I was really confused. What I hadn't realized was just how much effort it took me to maintain that life.

    For example, I had friends I would go out with, but I wasn't actually enjoying myself. I was just doing what everyone else did, while feeling bored and counting the minutes until I could go home and do the things I actually enjoyed.

    I also got exhausted for no obvious reason. I would work for a few hours and then need complete silence and rest before I could continue with my day. Meanwhile, my coworkers could head out after work and have fun like it was nothing. Unfortunately, that wasn't my reality at all.

    When you begin learning more about autism and ADHD, you start analyzing everything. Your actions, your feelings, your relationships. You're trying to figure out who you really are. And that's completely natural.

    Even if you don't end up with a formal diagnosis, discovering that you relate to autistic or ADHD traits can still be incredibly meaningful. Whatever the outcome, you'll get to understand yourself better.

  • Hello.

    It's funny how you can end up being worried about failing a test for something you never thought you had.

    Your new special interest is trying to know all you can about autism.
    It starts to make sense, some of the confusion starts to fall away and you feel that this explains a few things in your life.

    This is where I am. The process can be concluded in 6 weeks or so, but I am slowly becoming comfortable with it.

    I just want to make sure I do myself justice so I can be sure of the outcome.
    The answer will be what it will be. Either way I am still the same person and I still have issues to resolve, just one way will make things easier to understand.

  • Hello Alex! You are definitely welcome.

    Now, judging by what you have listed, it sounds like you may have Autism and ADHD. I can’t officially diagnose you, but… Can’t make eye contact? Check. Physically stim? Check. Repeat movie quotes in silly voices? Check. Have very strong interests (including in Autism itself)? CHECK.

    However, I understand your hesitation and fear that they might not diagnose you with Autism/ADHD. I felt the same way when I was being diagnosed. But here’s something I didn’t understand when I was getting diagnosed: You don’t need a diagnosis to be Autistic. If you are confident that you are Autistic, then you are welcome in the Autism community. Remember, not everyone who has Autism can afford assessments, so there are plenty of people who self-diagnose themselves as Autistic. Also if a diagnosis is still very important to you even if the doctor says you don’t have it, you can get a second opinion later. Or a third. Different doctors may see the signs more clearly than other doctors.

    Hopefully that helps put you at ease a little bit.