Hi everyone

Hello,

When I was 18 I had only used a phone a handful of times to speak to someone (this was pre-mobile phones). I had to call a supplier in my first job and it took me 1.5 days to build up the courage and I got pressured by my boss to get on with it. I used to stammer a lot if I got nervous and often my mind would be two thoughts further on before I'd got the current sentence out. Strangely I ended up working for mobile phone companies and spent hours a day on phones.

And pre-internet, there was only face-to-face or memos.

Written communication has always been easier.

I have used a private car forum for 20 years (the only social media I use).
I think initially you are nervous about what other people may think of your comments, so self-censor. You also think other people know more than you or your opinion may be wrong.

These fears are unfounded. Your opinion is your opinion, it is not wrong, and others may well agree but they can't if you don't say anything.

To any lurkers I would suggest trying. Don't make it hard, just say something short, a sentence or two and see what happens. People will often respond, or if not (maybe they have nothing to add you said it perfectly) then just try a few times and see. Something will work.

Forums are more successful the more people contribute. And what you get out of something is related to what you put in. 

Hi Stuart, hope you’re having a nice day. I just wanted to ask you, as you have worked for a mobile phone company, did it take you a long time to get more confident, do you still get anxious or nervous now when talking with people. I’m trying to get better at socialising, but I don’t know if I will ever be confident talking to people face to face. I really struggled as a teenager and even in my twenties I didn’t like talking to people. I’m 34 now and I still find it difficult, it’s not as bad when I’m with my Mum or Stepdad, but if I’m out on my own walking my dog. I try to avoid talking to people even if they say good morning I just get anxious and really nervous.

Hi Stuart, hope you’re having a nice day. I just wanted to ask you, as you have worked for a mobile phone company, did it take you a long time to get more confident, do you still get anxious or nervous now when talking with people. I’m trying to get better at socialising, but I don’t know if I will ever be confident talking to people face to face. I really struggled as a teenager and even in my twenties I didn’t like talking to people. I’m 34 now and I still find it difficult, it’s not as bad when I’m with my Mum or Stepdad, but if I’m out on my own walking my dog. I try to avoid talking to people even if they say good morning I just get anxious and really nervous.

Thank you Stuart. I will try the next time I go. I just wish I could’ve been like this when I was 24 instead of all these years later now that I’m 34. My consultant who I use to see did say as I get older it will get easier. I just didn’t think it would take this long. I don’t think I will ever stop being anxious and nervous when having to talk with people directly, thanks again Stuart it’s nice to talk with people who understand, not saying my mum doesn’t understand as she has done so much for me, she was the one who said about making an account on here and I’m glad I did.

You will need to push yourself a bit. You can back out because you know someone else will step in. Ask them not to, so you have to buy something.
Instead of buying some things, you could buy one thing. Make it simpler and less pressure.
You could go back the next day, or a couple of days later, to buy another thing.

Familiarity will make it easier. After a few times, it will get better.
It is fear of something new. Instead of worrying, tell yourself they want to sell me something, the pressure is on them, you are the one with the money. It's a shop. They are not there to judge you. You can change how you think about things, so you are not at the bottom.

Much like with presentations, rather than being scared people won't listen, just think that people want to hear what you have to say. You just need to be confident, breathe and say what you need to.
Once it is not new and you have done it a few times there will be less to fear.
You can then try something else.
Quite quickly it will get easier. 

Thank you for sharing that with me Stuart. I rely a lot on my Mum for pretty much everything, she has done so much for me and never forced or pushed me to do anything until I felt ready, when I left school, which I absolutely hated because of being bullied nearly every day, something I never told my mum about I just got on with it, when I got home I just spent all my time playing video games and continued to do so when I left school because I didn’t want to face the outside world and it was my escape. My only friend that I had just one day left, me and my Mum went to his house and he was just gone. I couldn’t get through to him on the phone, my Mum even went to his college to ask what happened but no one knew where he went. I was about 24 at the time and I just couldn’t believe why he up and vanished, going back to the school bit I was talking about, it was a special needs school but unfortunately they had kids there with anger issues and so they would bully the other kids like me and the teachers were honestly just useless. I was also a lot slower than the other kids in my class. I would never get around to finishing the work and I found it difficult to concentrate. I have for the past two years been trying to get better at socialising and going out more to public places with my mum, but I just find it difficult to do when I’m on my own. There is a pet shop near where I live called Jolly’s, the people are really nice in there. I recently tried going in on my own to buy some things, but I just got to anxious and nervous, then I walked out and my mum went in to get the things. I know this is something I should’ve done years ago but I just didn’t want to face the outside world, like I said my video games were my escape and that’s all I wanted to do.

I am 56 now, so I have had 38 years of trying to work out how to interact with people since I left home.
University was hard, I could not socialise well and ended up dropping out (would have had a very different career if that had panned out).

I used to spend a lot of time people watching, still do a bit, and consciously or unconsciously picking up on things.

In my 20s I relied on my ex-partner to make small talk and break the ice when we went anywhere. (Which is another reason why splitting up at 28 was such a big problem for me.)

I think the thing holding me back was always fear. Fear of somehow looking foolish. Why this mattered so much I am not sure.

The bit I am still not great at is 70%+ of communication is non-verbal. This means facial expressions, posture, hand gestures, tone and volume of voice, rather than the actual words.

At university I had to present to 4 or 5 people and was shaking, even though I knew them and it was safe. I was apparently "boring".
I was told 13 years ago (at 43) I needed to add more inflexion to my voice.
I was told 6 years ago (at 50) I needed to make a bit more small talk at the start, not just say hello and then dive in.

So you end up acting, which is what masking is. It comes more naturally with time.
It has real consequences though. I broke by fingers once and when the hospital squeezed them and asked if they hurt, I said yes. But I didn't flinch, my face stayed fairly neutral, no rolling on the floor. They sent me away without an x-ray, so I had to get a GP referral, which was easy as I said I could feel things moving when I tried to use a can opener (it was the bones moving). I thought I just had a high pain tolerance, but it seems to be an interoception issue.

It is why doctors meetings don't go too well. They tend to think you are exaggerating or lying as what you say does not match your facial expressions, especially if you don't make good eye contact.
It is why I am paying for stuff privately at the moment, as I have suddenly twigged what is going on.

The thing that kind of cured me about speaking out was when I was about 32, in a meeting with 20-30 people, I got so annoyed I stood up and talked for half an hour with a whiteboard and listed all the issues and problems we had. An impromptu presentation. The other people clapped as I said what other people thought. It was this affirmation that killed off the fear.

The frustration finally overcame the nervousness and I just did it. I knew what I was talking about, had all my thoughts in order.

Talking on the phone just became commonplace There were conference calls everyday, so you just got used to it. They weren't sociable, it was just people wanted to know about what you were working on. The more you do the more normal it becomes.

I have also attended various industry meeting and presented docs using a mic to rooms with up to a 100 people. As long as things are technical it is OK.

But it is always harder the first time you speak to a group if you don't know them. A room full of women would still probably scare me.

Now, being able function and travel everywhere is not the same as finding it easy. Your stomach can be knotted, you can be soaked in sweat, you can be sleep deprived, and you can need a stiff drink afterwards.

Private trips are different to business trips, and are more lonely. I will almost never initiate a conversation unless it is about a technical subject, say in a museum, where I want to know something.

Note that work interactions are routines and are predictable. You have the hi, how are you stuff, nice/crap weather, then for my roles everything else is basically technical so you are on safe ground, talking about things other people don't know. So they want to listen to you. As long as you can keep stuff concise, which is very hard as I write stuff that is far too long (as evidenced by all my posts so far).

When it comes to talking to people socially, it is OK if I already know them (which gives you a challenge as everyone is new once), but can be difficult to find common ground.

I have now finally, in the last month or two reached the point where I can talk to most people if needed, I think this may be due to finally processing some trauma issues

So at 56 I am where I would liked to have been when 20 or 25. Can I flirt though, no, at least not intentionally.