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Hello! Non-officially-diagnosed adult male here

NeatCart

Hello everyone!

I've almost made forty when out of the blue topics of what autism is jumped out on me, and things suddenly clicked.

Most of what I have read about feeling out of place, on a different wavelength and having missed a manual on socialising (a particularly apt comparison!) hit so close to home.

I realised that constructing and tailoring a persona for each acquaintance is not something people normally do. And they don't feel a violent clash when there are two different acquaintances in the room. 

I mastered the small talk by researching it excessively, but I long for meaningful connections and conversations that mean something more than discussing the weather and what you did on the weekend. Just read another infuriatingly vague guide on the very NAS website - I'm feeling completely lost as to how to actually make friends that have same interests.

It's another half-hearted cry for help I guess. I'm really trying to keep my hopes up.

Parents
  • NeatCart said:
    I'm feeling completely lost as to how to actually make friends that have same interests.

    Hello.  Maybe practise making friends within this Community. 

    Perhaps let people know about some of your interests (those things which you are comfortable sharing).

    Otherwise, you might want to attend venues / events connected with your interests - great minds think alike - if you are in the right environment; there is more likelihood of a chance conversation sparking a new contact who shares topics to talk about that also work for you too.

    E.g. I keep a look out for museums / cinemas / theatres etc. who host Autism-friendly open hours.  My reasoning being that those other people attending might be more likely to share my interests / communication preferences.  My approach is to try and be a regular attendee - so that people have seen me there several times before (as that csn sometimes help one another to be more confident that an opening comment might be well received).

    I usually try to arrive 15 minutes early and then just silently wave "hello" as people assemble ready for the event. 

    We all know we are there for the Autism-friendly opening and a welcome wave "hello" can sometimes be enough to "break the ice" among strangers.

Reply
  • NeatCart said:
    I'm feeling completely lost as to how to actually make friends that have same interests.

    Hello.  Maybe practise making friends within this Community. 

    Perhaps let people know about some of your interests (those things which you are comfortable sharing).

    Otherwise, you might want to attend venues / events connected with your interests - great minds think alike - if you are in the right environment; there is more likelihood of a chance conversation sparking a new contact who shares topics to talk about that also work for you too.

    E.g. I keep a look out for museums / cinemas / theatres etc. who host Autism-friendly open hours.  My reasoning being that those other people attending might be more likely to share my interests / communication preferences.  My approach is to try and be a regular attendee - so that people have seen me there several times before (as that csn sometimes help one another to be more confident that an opening comment might be well received).

    I usually try to arrive 15 minutes early and then just silently wave "hello" as people assemble ready for the event. 

    We all know we are there for the Autism-friendly opening and a welcome wave "hello" can sometimes be enough to "break the ice" among strangers.

Children
  • in reply to DormouseAtRest_25

    Thank you so much for a thoughtful reply, DormouseAtRest_25! Already I feel welcome and much more at ease - it's a great feeling.

    I am going to try and make friends within this Community, it's very much something I would love to do. Maybe I'll even understand what making friends actually mean in the process.

    I think one of the issues I'm facing is that I've mastered the strange art of "making acquintances" - after years of practice and research I can be quite slick at introducing myself and establishing rapport - if I say so myself. But it's the part after that leaves me completely clueless. Ok you've had a good chat at the venue with this stranger and you know their name. Que penguins from Madagascar standing awkwardly at the North Pole and asking: "now what?". 

    My understanding is you play the numbers game and talk to a ton of strangers, learn their names and then you hit it off with someone - but I don't think I'll ever have the emotional budget to pull that off, so each chat becomes high-risk. And what usually happens is I hear a polite "let's stay in touch" - which apparently means "don't talk to me ever". If I press the matter and try to contact this person (if I even get their contact) then I get ghosted.

    As I shared on the other reply my interests are (surprise!) very inward-focused, being reading, gaming and running in my own little world.

    I'd like to stress - I am eager to try and break out of this solitary shell, and I'm not sharing this to try and shoot down your proposals - more to highlight what it is exactly that I'm struggling with. I'll keep trying and will also try and ask the hard questions of "are we friends now? how about now? is it OK to text you now? Are we at the "meet in person stage yet?" - even if the very thought makes me shudder.