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'I don't think it's a luxury in life to have your needs met'.

Kirstie

Hi everyone, 

I was recently diagnosed in November 2024, and am now in my 40s. I realised I was autistic 5 years ago when I worked in a school for young people with ASD.

Over the last couple of years I have begun the process of unmasking, being more authentic and trying to advocate for my needs. I remember saying to the therapist I had last year that I felt it was 'too much to ask for to have my own needs met'. He replied 'I don't think its a luxury in life to have your needs met'. As if, that was just a basic right and one I should easily be able to attain.

However, the backlash I have received over the last couple of years for trying to advocate for my own needs has led me to realise that this is a luxury for an autistic person and one that is very hard to achieve. In standing up for myself I have been labelled 'a trouble maker', ' too aggressive, too sensitive, too fixated on ethics and morals, with too high justice sensitivity, The messages I am receiving are ...

'Why is it you that always has to stand up for injustice, why can't you just turn a blind eye like everyone else'. (This was in response to me blowing the whistle on my employer for mistreatment of young people with SEND).

'Have you ever considered you may be wrong' (I get this a lot and yes I always assume I am wrong first and will only continue to argue my point if I am sure I have one).

'It was your fault you were treated badly at work and you shouldn't have taken it to employment tribunal as you caused yourself more stress' (This is true, but I also settled the case and was financially compensated proving all types of disability discrmination which made me feel better for holding them to account).

'You shouldn't just give up on life just because you now know you are autistic (in response to me withdrawing from toxic work environments into my work as an artist).

It is actually really really winding me up! It seems my choices s are to stay silent as I was as a child and just observe without participating socially, including just taking the demoing and patronising comments of others on the chin. Or, if I say what I really think I become a target leading to conflict or withdrawal which is more stressful and I end up coming out of each battle worse off. I also like the company of others and hate confrontation so its hard to meet these needs when social relationships can feel so fractious, they often trigger my fight/ flight response and I find it hard to not react now, likely as I have also developed PTSD over the years from repeated interpersonal trauma. 

Exhausted and confused, be nice to hear thoughts from others xxx

Parents

  • I wonder how different your experience would have been if you were male? The things you've told us that were said to you, are far more likely to be said to a woman, men see you as threatening and unfeminine and women see you as showing them up and stepping outside of the group, women always seem very keen to enforce norms on other women.

    I've been in similar situations to yours, it's incredibly stressful and confusing, it can feel like the whole world's against you, that there's no safe places anymore. I think it's one of the reasons I've moved so often and don't tend to keep in contact with people from "previous lives", I dont' change myself so much as readjust my environment away from the toxic people and connections and even places, it's difficult to heal when there's a ghost on every street corner.

    Are we as ASC people really more sensitive to injutice, more moral, more likely to speek up for the underdog, are we more sensitive to the careless comments and conformity in the face of such obvious injustices than NT people or do they move through the world in a state of blunted emotions, cut off from the pain and suffering inflicted by such as narrow set of criteria expected in the NT world. No wonder you have PTSD, I have cPTSD, PTSD is common in ASC people. I mentally recoat my aura with teflon everynow and again in the hope they everyday cruelties will slide off, it even works sometimes and reminding myself that how ever bad I'm feeling, I'm glad I don't have to live in the head of the person I've just had a bruising encounter with, because if what comes out of thier mouths is anything to go by, the inside of thier heads is a swamp of nastiness and self loathing. Be glad you don't have to live there

  • in reply to TheCatWoman

    You could be right about gender playing a role, and I certainly have felt this with male authority figures in particular!

    Thanks for this comment, I am trying to do this too, and find relief in things I love, art, dogs, wild swimming. I think I will just continue in this way doing more of what brings peace and less of what brings stress (people!) x

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  • in reply to TheCatWoman

    You could be right about gender playing a role, and I certainly have felt this with male authority figures in particular!

    Thanks for this comment, I am trying to do this too, and find relief in things I love, art, dogs, wild swimming. I think I will just continue in this way doing more of what brings peace and less of what brings stress (people!) x

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