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Secretive Behaviour

Galaxy42

Hi folks.

Hope you're all well.

I have recently received an Autism diagnosis, at the age of 50.

That means, of course, that I have spent 50 years believing that my behaviour and worries are the same as everyone else's and that I was just pretty crappy at dealing with these struggles. I had my "Oh my God" moment when I discovered actually the reason I was so physically and emotionally drained is because I was dealing with daily mental struggles that 'most' people don't have to face. Many of these now make sense to me.

I am though incredibly secretive. I keep worries to myself, I don't share feelings (I have them, plenty of them) & I also despise being watched but I still don't understand why.

I don't hide things, if my wife would like to view my phone she can have it, but if she looks over my shoulder to see what I am doing on my phone, I feel my privacy has been invaded. If anybody wants to help me cook they can peel the potatoes but if somebody watches me cook I feel as if I'm not trusted. I have loads of similar examples, but won't drone on.

Does that make sense?

Does anyone else feel this way?

Is this an Autistic thing, or am I just odd?

(I mean, I am odd, but that's a separate issueRofl)

  • Strangely I share many of those things including my age and believing everyone was the same as me up to this point. My assessment is due in July and I became aware about a year ago. My son’s diagnosis and our similarities is what started me on this journey. 

  • I also very much hate being perceived. I think for me it’s about bad past experiences. People often tell me that I’m doing things the wrong way or at least in a very weird one, but most of the time I do things very conscientiously because I just need to do them a certain way to cope.

    Sometimes my “secretive” behaviour leads to interesting conclusions with other people. There have been several misunderstandings where people thought I was doing something forbidden just cause I actively tried not to draw any attention to myself.

  • in reply to Bunny

    That is a really useful article.

    I really appreciate that and found it hugely informative.

  • in reply to Bunny

    Thanks for this link. In my case, I thought that I suffer from exposure anxiety, maybe a bit of both or maybe they're 2 names for the same thing.

    Anyway, interesting read. Thanks

  • Hi Galaxy Your feelings are perfectly understandable and valid. It sounds like you are a private person, which I am too, as are some others who use this forum. You are entitled to keep your feelings and thoughts to yourself or to share them, and keeping things to yourself is something people with ASD and non autistic people do. I don’t know if being a private person is more prevalent in the autistic population. I don’t cook or work in the kitchen in front of somebody at all. I don’t know exactly why that is or if it is related to my executive function difficulties. Perhaps it’s the expectation to talk while cooking that throws me. I struggle to cook even when alone and usually cook and eat the different components of a meal separately. This is partly due to self imposed rigidity of rules and also the need to tackle tasks in segments of stages. Regarding the looking over your shoulder, when that happens to me, I feel as if the person is physically touching me and invading my space. This even used to happen when my ex husband came up from behind, or the teacher at school looked over my shoulder. Its a very physical feeling for me, but it doesn’t usually feel like I’m not trusted.

    There are a lot of odd people here including me so you are in good company!

  • Thanks for introducing me to a new concept that fits my experience too.

    It doesn't help that I can't stand people behind me in general, but if they are looking over my shoulder... eek!

  • in reply to Bunny

    A very interesting article. Thanks for posting the link

  • Hello and welcome to the 'Latelings' club.

    I too feel very secretive / private and hate being watched when doing something. So you are not alone.

  • These feelings are not uncommon for autistic people and are often described as a "fear of being perceived".

    You might find the suggestions in this article helpful:

    NeuroSpark - The fear of being perceived in neurodivergent people

  • I think a lot of ASC people get confused about the difference between privacy and secrecy, you keep your emotions and thoughts private, but is that the same as secrecy really? I think lots of people don't understand the difference between the two and it's even worse with social media natives.

  • Welcome Galaxy42 and I can relate to some of what you have written here. I am the same in terms of struggling to express/understand emotions properly and keeping worries to myself. I dont like people hovering near me, especially when I'm trying to do something.