Hi - Socialising and RSD

No problem, good luck!

I can relate to struggling to make friends and bonding with people as I find most of the time people just do not understand me! I have suffered from a lot of traumatic events in my life and this has increased the problem the same as it has for you! I would recommend reaching out to people with African heritage! I find they are the most understanding of people like us and can empathise a lot more with us and will happily sit, listen and bond with you!

Hey I can relate to finding it difficult to go out and meet with new people. My best advice is push yourself to go out when you can but also know when something isn't working for you and be okay in acknowledging that. I've tried various groups over the recent years and not stuck to any of them. Some because the group wasn't for me, but mainly because I struggle to build a routine and consistency where I want to go out to be with people.

Hi thank you for getting back to my message. I will try and look for a community near my area in UK.

Hi, as you replied to me I guess you're asking me. I'm sorry but I lack information about this because I'm not from the UK. I'm actually from Spain but there aren't much resources so I found this community and joined.

Maybe someone else knows this?

Hi I wanted to know if there is a group meet up sessions that happen around Worcester Park, Sutton or Epsom area? It would be nice to meet other Autistic adults who are on the spectrum to understand each other and learn from each other.

What's helped me work this out, has started with understanding how socialising is supposed to work. For the 'typical' population, socialising has a few fundamental goals: to create a basic sense of 'tribal connexion/belonging' and to work out the social dominance. Both are essential to human survival and safety. Most are wired to utilise language to do this. 

While language is complex, I like to think of it in 3 different forms/formulas: Ancient Human Language, Left and Right Hemisphere. Ancient language is artistic expression: music/sound, art/crafting, movement/dance. Almost all humans naturally use these as children to communicate. The Left Hemisphere (according to the theory) is where Social Linguistics is typically wired or programmed for use, with room to grow. this involves all kinds of symbolic uses of language and words can be organic, or like metadata, have multiple meanings and refer to anything so long as the group has agreed to it. Apparently this side is designed to send and receive invisible cues and representations of subtext, so facial cues and hand gestures, and apparently communication is something like only 7% words. However, the Right hemisphere has access to a Utility with Words, like a growing set of encyclopaedias. If I were to summarise, I might conclude Autistic communication appears to be right hemisphere heavy, and we can all use ancient language - a good argument for keeping art and music in schools. 

What seems to happen with social collectives (large or intimate/small) is that all kinds of subtext and miming happens, and if you didn't get the initial 'clue' to what the group or other is making a reference to, no amount of mental leaps and bounds will truly catch you up. It can feel like an Improv Class only you don't know the rules and haven't been taught how to play.

Now, all humans need a sense of connectedness. There's safety in numbers, no one wants to be marginalised. We want to feel heard, seen and understood. A fear of rejection will actively help the typical population behave in a civilised manner and Social Linguistics in all its forms always contains a certain amount of guilt and indebtedness to keep everyone in line. Everyone but the Autistic who has not been receiving this 'secret code' since early childhood. And because we don't receive this 'free download' that we should walk around feeling guilty (no one knows why, but they can't shake it off), the typical population will sense we're not part of the group, that there's something off, and we will feel that disconnect. So a fundamental need to be connected is severed. We become aware of this but don't know what to do about it.

Here's what I've done to try and reconnect. I've taken theatre classes and improv classes which have helped provide tools others naturally use. I've gone on my own spiritual journey and summoned a source of compassion and self awareness to find ways to afford others their own internal struggles, which acts a bit like 'affirming the guilt in the other'. I've read countless books which include Christian authors (such as Cloud/Townsend) and classic psychoanalysts like Freud and Jung, and philosophy to work out what is going on and how to connect. And while all these have helped, I've realised the best work is focusing on growing my self into a best self through sensory seeking and taking all the time I need to heal and mend. I go to museums, I find things I enjoy and appreciate self-indulgence in moss or music or cooking. I explore and experiment. The Artists Way was a good start. A Field Guide for Earthlings is helpful for further understanding Typical communication. x

Hi! I've just joined the community and, honestly, wasn't aware of what RSD was until now, but  I'll try to give you advice.

First of all, in socializing I think a very good way to start interactions is joining an activity that you're really passionate about. Maybe join an activity that engages one of your special interests and, at the same time, lets you meet people with who you can start socializing and sharing something in common. If you have trouble with big groups of people, try to find an activity in which there are limited places. 

Secondly, if it's the case in which you get to the point of socializing and start overthinking wheter the person is rejecting you or you're being too self-conscious and insecure (sorry if I don't say it in the right words, I just read everything about RSD but I am not an expert) try to reassure yourself thinking that the right person/the one who is worth it will like you and accept you by who you are. And you do not need to change in order for people to like you. Everyone is unique in its own way and that's beautiful.

I hope this is useful. Best of luck.