Hi,
I'm new here. I was recently in the the hospital for mental health and crisis nurse brought up the possibility of being neurodivergant. I have suspected it before but really been doing a lot of research Autism in females. The more I read the more I can relate. It feels like the missing piece in my life. It's a relief.
I've spent my whole life wondering why I didn't fit in. I was bullied a lot as a kid from a very young age. I'm now thinking it's because they saw me as different was always really Shy. I'm more social now but that is because I spent a lot of time practicing being social. I am much better at eye contact now but I hate it. I had a therapist make me look at her. If there is a situation where I have to use eye contact like a presentation or a interview I self talk so much so I can do it.
I have been reflecting and my life makes much more sense now.
I work in a daycare. I feel more comfortable with kids than adults and I work with a few kids with Autism. I have a way of connecting with them that others struggle. My supervisor said so and a parent told me I was his favourite teacher because I know how to communicate with kids in the spectrum. I'm wondering if that's because I connect to how their brain works. I do get overloaded sometimes especially by social interactions with coworkers. I've gotten into issues because I have misread social cues.
I was diagnosed with BPD but I've been reading that a lot of high functioning females get diagnosed with BPD. I've been researching the similarities and I can relate more to autism. Especially the sensory overload piece and the struggle with socially reading people.
I want to try to get a diagnoses but I'm afraid people won't believe me. My phyciratrist think s it's BPD but when my friend asked about Autism he wouldn't even look at it and said because she was in a relationship she couldn't be autistic. I'm not in a relationship but I doubt he will take me seriously.
The people who know me best can see it. Including my roommate. I've had people ask me if I've ever been diagnosed. I have been talking with someone who has autism and he says he sees it in me and when we talk I can relate so much.
People I've mentioned it to say to talk to doctor.
I have a family doctor and he would be a better option I have appointment Jan 10th for something else so I may bring it up. I'm afraid too.
Right now I'm obsessed with everything Autism, it is a fixation. I might be overthinking it but I can relate so much. I get fixations a lot.
I don't have typical special interests. As a kid it was horses. I was obsessed with everything psychology for awhile.
niw it's art and music.
I have always done well in school cause I get really into what I'm studying and can do really well.
I struggle with putting people on a pedestal which can be a BPD trait but I've read could also be a special interest.
I have struggled with eating disorder mostly anorexia though have switched a bit. I have also drank to deal anxiety and overstimulation. In recovery but it seems like something is missing. I have done DBT for BPD but I still struggle because I don't think it solved the underlying issues.
I have some stimming behaviour though there subtle and I hide them well. I've read about masking.i am really good at watching people and trying to do what they do to fit into a group. I can fit into multiple social groups but fit in nowhere . I want to be social but I get overwhelmed because I never know what today how to act. I misread people so I'd rather not talk cause when I do I tend to overshare and don't know when to stop talking. Or I come in and talk about something at inappropriate times. I have trouble knowing when to join a conversation.
I communicate much easier in writing than verbally and sometimes when I'm overwhelmed I revert to I don't know and I literally can't talk. I frustrated people cause there like you do know but I just can't process stuff to talk properly.
I can get obsessed with specific numbers like I want stuff exact however I'm also time blind so I desperately need a watch .
I can't visual images in my mind and just found out that other people can. I rarely dream. I read that could be common in Autism.
I could go on but I tend to go on and on because I don't know when to stop.
