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hi

PurpleMermaid

Hi,

I'm new here. I was recently in the the hospital for mental health and crisis nurse brought up the possibility of being neurodivergant. I have suspected it before but really been doing a lot of research Autism in females. The more I read the more I can relate. It feels like the missing piece in my life. It's a relief. 

I've spent my whole life wondering why I didn't fit in. I was bullied a lot as a kid from a very young age.  I'm now thinking it's because they saw me as different was always really Shy. I'm more social now but that is because I spent a lot of time practicing being social.  I am much better at eye contact now but I hate it.  I had a therapist make me look at her. If there is a situation where I have to use eye contact like a presentation or a interview I self talk so much so I can do it. 

I have been reflecting and my life makes much more sense now. 

I work in a daycare. I feel more comfortable with kids than adults and I work with a few kids with Autism. I have a way of connecting with them that others struggle. My supervisor said so and a parent told me I was his favourite teacher because I know how to communicate with kids in the spectrum.  I'm wondering if that's because I connect to how their brain works. I do get overloaded sometimes especially by social interactions with coworkers. I've gotten into issues because I have misread social cues. 

I was diagnosed with BPD but I've been reading that a lot of high functioning females get diagnosed with BPD.  I've been researching the similarities and I can relate more to autism. Especially the sensory overload piece and the struggle with socially reading people. 

I want to try to get a diagnoses but I'm afraid people won't believe me. My phyciratrist think s it's BPD but when my friend asked about Autism he wouldn't even look at it and said because she was in a relationship she couldn't be autistic. I'm not in a relationship but I doubt he will take me seriously. 

The people who know me best can see it. Including my roommate. I've had people ask me if I've ever been diagnosed. I have been talking with someone who has autism and he says he sees it in me and when we talk I can relate so much.

People I've mentioned it to say to talk to doctor. 

I have a family doctor and he would be a better option I have appointment Jan 10th for something else so I may bring it up. I'm afraid too. 

Right now I'm obsessed with everything Autism, it is a fixation. I might be overthinking it but I can relate so much. I get fixations a lot. 

I don't have typical special interests. As a kid it was horses. I was obsessed with everything psychology for awhile. 

niw it's art and music.

I have always done well in school cause I get really into what I'm studying and can do really well. 

I  struggle with putting people on a pedestal which can be a BPD trait but I've read could also be a special interest. 

 I have struggled with eating disorder mostly anorexia though have switched a bit. I have also drank to deal anxiety and overstimulation. In recovery but it seems like something is missing. I have done DBT for BPD but I still struggle because I don't think it solved the underlying issues. 

I have some stimming behaviour though there subtle and I hide them well. I've read about masking.i am really good at watching people and trying to do what they do to fit into a group. I can fit into multiple social groups but fit in nowhere . I want to be social but I get overwhelmed because I never know what today how to act. I misread people so I'd rather not talk cause when I do I tend to overshare and don't know when to stop talking. Or I come in and talk about something at inappropriate times.  I have trouble knowing when to join a conversation. 

I communicate much easier in writing than verbally and sometimes when I'm overwhelmed I revert to I don't know and I literally can't talk. I frustrated people cause there like you do know but I just can't process stuff to talk properly. 

I can get obsessed with specific numbers like I want stuff exact however I'm also time blind so I desperately need a watch .

I can't visual images in my mind and just found out that other people can. I rarely dream. I read that could be common in Autism. 

I could go on but I tend to go on and on because I don't know when to stop. 

  • Hey there, so much of what you have written here I can relate to. I've always struggled with my mental health and couldn't understand why my depression was never completely being resolved until I recently started to question if I am on the spectrum. I'm not sure if i ever really had intense interests, but certainly autism is one at the minute as I've joined this forum, am listening to audiobooks and podcasts as well as writing down my experiences for when I request an ASD referral. hope you find some good support here Slight smile

  • Hello and welcome.

    I also had an intense interest in horses from the age of 10 up to 15, I loved music (I taught myself to play guitar at the age of 11) and have always loved reading. Later in life I became very interested in the social sciences and studied the subject with the Open University - I didn't complete a degree, but did gain a diploma in social sciences.

    I'm retired now and read every day, and I like to play some video games too. I also enjoy doing free short online courses with OU Open Learn from time to time.

    I hope you find the forum helpful.

  • Hi there!!

    I am brand new here and am not sure of the protocol on things so if someone sees me say something I am not supposed to, I apologize in advance.

    I am working toward a formal diagnosis and again being new I won't make suggestions yet but I will tell you what helped me as I was going through the self-diagnosis phase. I took about 8-10 online assessments and took them a few times each to kinda prove my scores, a good IQ test, etc. Then I used my text editor to write down the name of the test and the score plus any quick details such as the scoring range. I also wrote down my known traits like I have white matter lesions and cardiac issues, I am clumsy, short temper, just all of that kind of stuff, my list is probably about 50 items about me. I included as much information about me that I possibly could even like having ACL surgery.

    I punched all of that into ChatGPT and other AI chat and just started asking questions.

    Hope it helps and if I can help let me know!

  • Hey, welcome to the community! It sounds like you’ve been on a really intense journey, and I just want to say you’re doing really well in that you’re taking the time to learn more about yourself. What you’re describing, feeling like something was missing, connecting deeply with kids on the spectrum, masking, sensory overload, and finding relief in the idea of autism, resonates with so many of us here. You’re definitely not alone in this!

    Your journey really resonates with me, as I’ve been through something very similar. I was diagnosed with BPD a few years before receiving my autism diagnosis, and now I question whether the BPD diagnosis was even accurate. Like you, it wasn’t until after a mental health hospital admission that a nurse suggested I pursue an autism assessment, which eventually led to my diagnosis. I honestly believe that mental health services should routinely screen everyone in their care for autism and ADHD. From my experience, many people with mental health diagnoses, especially BPD, seem to have undiagnosed neurodivergence. If I’d been assessed for autism when I first entered secondary mental health services, I could have avoided the hospital admission, and spared myself the unnecessary strain of a cocktail of medications that were so quickly prescribed.

    Bringing it up with your family doctor sounds like a great first step. I would suggest writing down the autistic traits you identify with, and also why you are seeking a diagnosis, as they are likely to ask you this. Maybe even take along a completed AQ10, as the GP’s will use this as a screening tool when considering referring you for a full assessment. 

    And it’s also okay and normal to feel nervous about bringing it up. Remember that self diagnosis is valid whether or not you pursue a diagnosis right away. What matters is that you’re finding the right resources, like this forum, and connecting with others on the spectrum that will help you feel more at peace with who you are.

    You’re doing really well at connecting the dots and exploring what makes you you. Hope your appointment goes well on the 10th Slight smile