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Looking for help/advise

Ash1

Hello,

I am a 40 yr old fm married for 20 years to an undiagnosed autistic male. He is diagnosed with adhd and personality disorder but I wonder if that is a miss diagnoses. He recently has been struggling with an autoimmune disease which is IBD related so I'm unsure of how this is realed to his current state.

But i have I have struggled for 20 years being with him and accepting the limitations he has. We are still married because he is the nicest man ever, loves me unconditionally, and is very nice to our children when he engages. 

My issues are I feel like a single parent, I get no help with home duties, and if I do receive help it's because I either got mad or cried. 

We have 3 children, one adult (ODD/ADHD) not currently talking to us/ does not live with us.

14 daughter diagnosed with autism ( diagnosed one year ago this is why I think husband is autistic) /anxiety/ adhd.  The care that needs to go into this child is overwhelming. She wrecks things (carves in walls, picks paint, takes anything apart that she can) distroyes any fidgets (constantly replacing). Goes to main stream school and is struggling but she wants to be there. Several doctors she sees. Lots of appointments. School meetings. 

10 or old son, ADHD/ Anxiety. Working with 2 health professionals. 

Husband and I work full time, but I'm doing my masters part time (15+ hours per week) My husband doesn't take anything extra on. He takes several times longer to do anything so his circle is significantly smaller, but he also has several hours to spend on his devices per day.

The resentment I have from our relationship is overwhelming. We have been to many counselors over the years. We are currently seeing one right now. It's really hard for me because I know that my husband is a great man with great intentions. However, there's a lack of effort being put in, or alternatively maybe he's just not capable. The next question is, am I willing to stay with this individual? 

I know that I love him.There's no concerns of cheating, but I don't know if i'm capable of stomaching, the resentment I have towards him. I'm responsible for walking our dogs, cooking cleaning, laundry, groceries, shopping, countless school meetings we have for our daughter, i ask my husband to help and his answer is always.Yes but not right now.

He's very particular with his routines in life.And it seems to not fit me and the kids in. If he does agree to do something I basically have to micromanage it, so it gets done. For example, if I ask him to put the kids to bed, I have to remind him what time they go to bed. I have to remind him to give them their medicine. Then when they're in bed, I have to go make sure that they have clean beds/ blankets (our 14 year old has bladder issues) no cell phones. I feel exhausted and utterly alone. 

We have no family close to us. Sometimes I get so obsessed with considering divorce. I'm looking at houses. Figure out my finances etc. I am financially able to leave. A month ago i was starting the process but we decided to try again. I know i would be fine if I left him, but I'm not sure he would. He struggles with filling his meds/ going to appointments/ and he will eat like ***. 

Today he just didn't get out of bed, did not ask me to look after the kids, or tell me he called in sick. This is normal. I got our kids out the door and on their way. He felt ill last night. His boss is very accommodating but I'm waiting to see if he failed to call in today. But then he Santa's up on his phone until 1-2 am every night. 

I have discussed divorce with my husband he does not want to get a divorce. But he puts no effort into staying together. I read through some other posts about how other men were trying to regulate themselves. My husband omwould never do this. I cant even get him to read a self help book with me. I've suggested he go back and look at his medication.Since he's been on the same dose for over ten years. I've suggested marriage books, i basically had to tell him that I was divorcing him unless he went to counseling with me. I've suggested personal counseling. I've done a lot of counseling by myself, and the one question that always comes up is

Should I leave him? 

Hoping maybe some shared experiences might help me cope? 

I feel like my own mental health suffers at the expense of him. 

Sad, alone, tired mom

Parents

  • First of all, sorry to hear about your difficulties. I am autistic, my wife isn't and we also have three children. Your struggles and frustrations sound very similar to hers. The main difference it seems is that I have been diagnosed (back in May) and while we're both still trying to work out what it means, I am actively trying to find ways to make it work better. I'm currently reading this book:

    Marriage and Lasting Relationships with Asperger's Syndrome

    and this one is also meant to be good:

    Loving Someone with Asperger's Syndrome: Understanding and Connecting with your Partner

    Don't worry about the Asperger's reference - it's an outdated term but basically means autism.

    Now, obviously I don't know either you or your husband so all I can do is tell you how I feel towards my wife and family as an autistic person. I love them dearly and would hate to lose them but I struggle to connect with the children and although I've tried so hard to improve with things like domestic tasks and sharing the workload with my wife, somehow it never seems to be enough or I always manage to get something wrong which frustrates her. One thing I would say is that getting angry with him probably won't work - if he knows that he's different/has mental issues then angry responses will only come across to him as unfair.

    One thing I've tried to do is work out what attracted us to each other in the first place and strip away all the recent stresses and difficulties to go back to the essence of why we got together. I know my wife doesn't really want to hear about autism - she's fed up with it all and just wants me to do the hoovering without missing bits - so I've tried not to burden her with too much stuff just lately. The trouble is, I know that she doesn't trust me to do things (and she's probably got OCD herself, which doesn't help) so she's scared to go away in case I burn down the kitchen or run over the dog. Clearly I wouldn't do those things but I've come to realise that there is something about me that inspires no confidence in her whatsoever. I'm trying really hard to support her and share the load but I don't seem to be able to make an impression and that worries me, to be honest, because she also keeps talking about being tired and 'feeling like a single mum' even though I'm sure (in my own mind at least) that I do more than she gives me credit for.

    But a big factor in all this is stress - there is just too much. I have a demanding job and my wife is one of those people who can't say no when asked to help with something or to volunteer. I've tried to cut back on some of the things that stress me out and I've tried to target some of the things that particularly stress her out. One of our children is clearly undiagnosed autistic as well so I've also tried to provide some insights for her about him.

    All I can say is that if you love him then keep going and don't give up. Good luck.

Reply

  • First of all, sorry to hear about your difficulties. I am autistic, my wife isn't and we also have three children. Your struggles and frustrations sound very similar to hers. The main difference it seems is that I have been diagnosed (back in May) and while we're both still trying to work out what it means, I am actively trying to find ways to make it work better. I'm currently reading this book:

    Marriage and Lasting Relationships with Asperger's Syndrome

    and this one is also meant to be good:

    Loving Someone with Asperger's Syndrome: Understanding and Connecting with your Partner

    Don't worry about the Asperger's reference - it's an outdated term but basically means autism.

    Now, obviously I don't know either you or your husband so all I can do is tell you how I feel towards my wife and family as an autistic person. I love them dearly and would hate to lose them but I struggle to connect with the children and although I've tried so hard to improve with things like domestic tasks and sharing the workload with my wife, somehow it never seems to be enough or I always manage to get something wrong which frustrates her. One thing I would say is that getting angry with him probably won't work - if he knows that he's different/has mental issues then angry responses will only come across to him as unfair.

    One thing I've tried to do is work out what attracted us to each other in the first place and strip away all the recent stresses and difficulties to go back to the essence of why we got together. I know my wife doesn't really want to hear about autism - she's fed up with it all and just wants me to do the hoovering without missing bits - so I've tried not to burden her with too much stuff just lately. The trouble is, I know that she doesn't trust me to do things (and she's probably got OCD herself, which doesn't help) so she's scared to go away in case I burn down the kitchen or run over the dog. Clearly I wouldn't do those things but I've come to realise that there is something about me that inspires no confidence in her whatsoever. I'm trying really hard to support her and share the load but I don't seem to be able to make an impression and that worries me, to be honest, because she also keeps talking about being tired and 'feeling like a single mum' even though I'm sure (in my own mind at least) that I do more than she gives me credit for.

    But a big factor in all this is stress - there is just too much. I have a demanding job and my wife is one of those people who can't say no when asked to help with something or to volunteer. I've tried to cut back on some of the things that stress me out and I've tried to target some of the things that particularly stress her out. One of our children is clearly undiagnosed autistic as well so I've also tried to provide some insights for her about him.

    All I can say is that if you love him then keep going and don't give up. Good luck.

Children
  • in reply to Goalkeeper

    Thanks you for your post, knowing that others are going through the same thing does help lighten the emotional turmoil im struggling with. You sound exactly like my husband, your post really resonated with me. My husband does try it's just never enough for me. 

    • This year (due to being in school) I left all Christmas things drop off my plate until I finished. I hoped and gave hubby free rein on presents and everything but nothing was done. We just put up the tree last night because i forced everyone. This is all I have done. Now I'm scrambling. 

    I agree that there is just too much to do. I don't have a lot of friends due to becoming a mom at 17, lots of work friends but no one that I can ask for kid help or let's get drunk and clean my house friends. 

    I know that things would be different for me if I had family support, but that option is not a possibility as my family lives 18 hours away. The more experience I get in life the more I regret my european background and my singular necular family. 

    I'll see of my library has your book recommendations. 

    Thanks for your time and thoughts.