Looking for help/advise

You say: 14 daughter diagnosed with autism ( diagnosed one year ago this is why I think husband is autistic) /anxiety/ adhd.  The care that needs to go into this child is overwhelming. She wrecks things (carves in walls, picks paint, takes anything apart that she can) distroyes any fidgets (constantly replacing). 

This is what a lot of us ADHD/Autism folk struggle to accomodate and suppress through our whole lives. The idea of being "tormented by demons" is particularly aposite to many of us, as the forum tesimonies (where not abruptly memory holed) will tesify.

I've fallen into the sort of behaviour that your husband is showing in latter years, and on rare occasions previously. I consider it to be weakness, and dislike it very much in myself and then see that it is also not nice to witness in others. Ultimately, it feels like I experience a huge and devastating loss of confidence, which eventually cosnumes my "will to win".

I'd suggest that rather than leaving your husband at this low point in your marriage, you consider seeing if you guiys can "partner up" a little better to improve your mutual standard of living.

I will say of the two times I've seen this happen, "the forty years dumping of the male Autist for a bright new future" (being myself and a friend who went first) it didn't seem to work out much better for the woman in terms of lifestyle but they were happier (I think) And the men seem to just go their own way...  

I was brought up to see marriage as a way of putting the "assymetry of basic nature" that was then held to exist between men and women to it's best use, and in fact still believe that to be true after observing the alternative way of thinking for some time. (As well as serving other functions vital to a helathy society and life). 

I have a tool I've just used on my GF, whereby I "ask for a humber" the number I am asking for is an idncation of personal happiness ranging beteen 1 aand 5 with Five being miserable and One being happy. it's a simple scale. If one remembers to keep asking the question, (and you don't have to react or DO anything in response,, in fact that's pretty essential) a better picture of where the "happiness deficit" lies will emerge.

"Data driven decisions" are almost always best.

Another thing I'm trying to work through/break down is the invisible communication barrier that seems to exist. I think neurotypical people expect everyone to know things intuitively (by picking up on non-verbal queues etc) but autistic people can't always do that (and I'm particularly useless at it). I also think we learn things in a different way. This is not so much in a 'classroom' sense but just simple things that neurotypical people take for granted. For example, my wife will say: "you know how to do the children's packed lunches because you've seen me do it." The problem is that just seeing her do it is not enough. It won't have sunk in and I won't remember how to do it without writing it down. This is something I'm trying to get used to now. My wife has to show me how to do things and then I write them down using the 'notes' feature on my phone. I've got loads of notes about how to feed the cat, make simple meals (I've never been able to cook) and lists of the regular shopping items. I then try and work out a routine about when things need doing and spot the items that are running low so that I can get them if I'm passing the supermarket.

Now, clearly my wife gets frustrated that she has to invest more time and energy in teaching a grown man how to do basic stuff but I've tried to re-assure her that she'll only have to do it once; and in the long term it will pay her back in terms of reducing stress etc. I'm still not sure whether ultimately this will work but I need to be able to know that at least I tried.

This might sound OK but there is one downside that can't really be helped. During periods of suffering with poor mental health, such as autistic burnout, it can be difficult to do anything at all. There is a tendency to drift off into one's own little World and not even notice when things need doing. At those times it's really only the standard ways of dealing with mental health issues (reducing stress, therapies, medications etc) until it gets better again.

Thanks you for your post, knowing that others are going through the same thing does help lighten the emotional turmoil im struggling with. You sound exactly like my husband, your post really resonated with me. My husband does try it's just never enough for me. 

• This year (due to being in school) I left all Christmas things drop off my plate until I finished. I hoped and gave hubby free rein on presents and everything but nothing was done. We just put up the tree last night because i forced everyone. This is all I have done. Now I'm scrambling. 

I agree that there is just too much to do. I don't have a lot of friends due to becoming a mom at 17, lots of work friends but no one that I can ask for kid help or let's get drunk and clean my house friends. 

I know that things would be different for me if I had family support, but that option is not a possibility as my family lives 18 hours away. The more experience I get in life the more I regret my european background and my singular necular family. 

I'll see of my library has your book recommendations. 

Thanks for your time and thoughts. 

First of all, sorry to hear about your difficulties. I am autistic, my wife isn't and we also have three children. Your struggles and frustrations sound very similar to hers. The main difference it seems is that I have been diagnosed (back in May) and while we're both still trying to work out what it means, I am actively trying to find ways to make it work better. I'm currently reading this book:

Marriage and Lasting Relationships with Asperger's Syndrome

and this one is also meant to be good:

Loving Someone with Asperger's Syndrome: Understanding and Connecting with your Partner

Don't worry about the Asperger's reference - it's an outdated term but basically means autism.

Now, obviously I don't know either you or your husband so all I can do is tell you how I feel towards my wife and family as an autistic person. I love them dearly and would hate to lose them but I struggle to connect with the children and although I've tried so hard to improve with things like domestic tasks and sharing the workload with my wife, somehow it never seems to be enough or I always manage to get something wrong which frustrates her. One thing I would say is that getting angry with him probably won't work - if he knows that he's different/has mental issues then angry responses will only come across to him as unfair.

One thing I've tried to do is work out what attracted us to each other in the first place and strip away all the recent stresses and difficulties to go back to the essence of why we got together. I know my wife doesn't really want to hear about autism - she's fed up with it all and just wants me to do the hoovering without missing bits - so I've tried not to burden her with too much stuff just lately. The trouble is, I know that she doesn't trust me to do things (and she's probably got OCD herself, which doesn't help) so she's scared to go away in case I burn down the kitchen or run over the dog. Clearly I wouldn't do those things but I've come to realise that there is something about me that inspires no confidence in her whatsoever. I'm trying really hard to support her and share the load but I don't seem to be able to make an impression and that worries me, to be honest, because she also keeps talking about being tired and 'feeling like a single mum' even though I'm sure (in my own mind at least) that I do more than she gives me credit for.

But a big factor in all this is stress - there is just too much. I have a demanding job and my wife is one of those people who can't say no when asked to help with something or to volunteer. I've tried to cut back on some of the things that stress me out and I've tried to target some of the things that particularly stress her out. One of our children is clearly undiagnosed autistic as well so I've also tried to provide some insights for her about him.

All I can say is that if you love him then keep going and don't give up. Good luck.