So I’m really due a haircut. However, I find the entire experience to be a nightmare. I have really bad sensory issues when it comes to people or anything being near my head and the noises of the barbering stuff. I also find the small talk part difficult and struggle to explain to the barber how I want my hair done. Does anyone have any tips if they’ve had similar issues ? Trying to hype myself up to go on Thursday but it’s a struggle lol.
Thanks for your kind words, A. Yes, I count my blessings on that continuity aspect at least!
Tipping is like autistic kryptonite. It's not like we don't have the capacity to be generous, in fact many of us would agonise over being insufficiently so according to whatever intuitively discerned standard metric most NTs just effortlessly got to grips with years ago. But the whole 'dance' of it, the inevitably inelegant delivery of that moment, the overthink, the double-checking. The confusion when the more worldly-wise person you're running it by says 'always tip service A, but there's no need for Service B' - (or 'why did you tip that THAT much, that's crazy' or 'You should have given them more') - how do they know? Why is that the case? Why and when are some tips built in to the overall total? Does one still put a little more on that again? Or is that idiocy? What is the glossary of terms covering all such 'it's baked in' scenarios? The questions go on and on. But must be dealt with in real time in a moment of inescapable quickly unfolding inevitability!
Glad to have made you feel less alone on that one. You're not being silly, you know what it takes out of you each time. Maybe it would be helpful to keep thinking of it as 'the last haircut before Christmas' so that as soon as the unpleasantness is over with this time, 2024 has only preferable things left in it for you! I hope...
I only go to barbers but looking into a hairdresser could be a good option for me as the noise of clippers and some of the gadgets used make me feel quite uncomfortable.
Thanks for the reply !! It’s a relief to know that people face similar anxiety and worries about getting a haircut. I was beating myself up over the weekend for postponing it and thought I was being over dramatic. But it’s a situation that has lots of uncomfortable sensory aspects and hard social customs to navigate so it’s understandable why myself and a lot of us struggle with this :)
Your excellent post brings to mind two things that stress me out.
Firstly, you were lucky to have the same barber for so long. Mine always seem to close, quit or generally move on every few years. Having to find a new barber is always a major crisis in my life. I can’t overstate just how much of a crisis!
And tipping. Yeuch. That deserves a whole thread of its own. It’s the sheer uncertainty of the rules and expectations and the certainly that I will get it wrong. Just tell me how much you want and I will pay it!
I'm thankfully now at the point where I have so little hair that a self-delivered buzz-cut at home every fortnight does the job.
A trip to the barbers was always a strange one for me. On the plus side, my barber was a nice guy, and had esoteric interests that made the small-talk less small than it might otherwise be. Also on the plus side, the wee barbers I went to was (and remains) a very unchanged and unpretentious little back room that has barely changed one iota since the 1980s when I was first taken there as a child. It used to be a milkshake bar back in the 1950s and a lot of the decor and the terazza fllor etc. is 100% the same, but it's been a barbers for decades. I really relied on going to that one (when I was still going) as I always feel like other places look trendy and I never belong among the trendy - people look accusingly at me with an implied 'No mate, this isn't for you' - and they're right, but those are the places we are increasingly forced into through the erosion of cosier spaces.
But the real negatives were...
Being positioned in front of a mirror under harsh and unforgiving overhead lights and thus being confronted with the full horror of how I actually look.
The dilemma of how often to glance at the mirror to look 'normal' and how much I could get away with looking round the room
The stress of anticipating presently needed head-tilt and angle of inclination, then the shame of a manual correction informing you you got it wrong.
Feeling obliged to apologise to the ones still waiting as I took my sorry excuse for a 'head of hair' over to the chair. I would nearly always (in latter years) say something to them like 'Don't worry, mine won't take long' (gesturing at the acres of baldness) and they'd either look nonplussed or smile politely. Or, on the worst of occasions, kind of sneer/smirk at me with a 'mate, you're pathetic' kind of vibe.
Feeling every muscle in my body tense in that chair, particularly my chest and core, to the point I'd be in physical pain by the time I was able to get up to leave.
Having everyone in the room hear the (very well meaning of course) 'pensioner rate' price (I'm not a pensioner, just bald in my forties) price that I got charged.
Stressing about the tip etiquette (is it enough? Can I fumble through my side of the awkward 'Are you sure?' 'Yep, no problem - bye' exchange even more quickly this time?)
And the worst, the absolutely worst thing of all... Seeing the back of my awful excuse for a head in the opposite wall's mirror, and - below it - the expressions of the faces of the people (sometimes young and cool, sometimes older but dignified) who were obliged to look at it. I was always grateful if I was the only customer in that moment or if the person(s) waiting were reading a newspaper or something.
My worst ever barber experience was about ten years ago. I was feeing extra self-consious and self-hating that day, had no capacity to mask that day, and caught in the mirrored mirror the amused sneer of an effortlessly cool guy with immaculate hair waiting his turn. He saw me catch his eye, started to laugh more, and as my upset and discomfort began to betray itself on my face more and more as the agonising few minutes passed by, he put additional effort into really staring, and smirking/laughing etc. the worse I got. It was a silent but brutal exchange that was like bullying by a total stranger. When I scurried to my coat at the end to pay and flee, he made a point of looking straight at me with a look of utter contempt, disgust, and delight at my shaken state. Never was that feeling of 'Why would you even go to a barbers with that atrocious head of yours, just stay home for your own dignity ffs' communicated to me more intensely than in that moment. The rest of the day was miserable.
When I next went back, I made sure I was well rested, had my shields fully up, prepared for the worst, and it wasn't as bad. I had a few new coping tricks ready too - self-deprecating remarks at the outset to take that power away from anyone else etc.
Anyway, as nostalgic as I am for the wee time-capsule space itself, I'm so glad that I can just buzzcut myself these days as needed, and maybe baldness was the best thing that could happen to me. I never know what to do with my hair when I had it anyway. Mostly a never-on-trend side-shade of some kind I think. I'm the baldest in my family by far, perhaps all the stress of overthinking what others barely even take under their notice is partly to blame!
Find a picture of what you like and show it to your hairdresser, they may say that what you've chosen isn't suitable for your hair, like if your hair is to thin.
Do you only go to a barber rather than a hairdresser? You don't have to have cuts involving clippers or other gadgets, they can just use scissors, it depends on the cut.
Unfortunatley they do need to get close to you and stand behind you, it's impossible to do a haircut without doing so.
That‘s really cool what your eldest is doing. As a neurodivergent and trans guy more services like that are needed. I‘m definitely going to look into a mobile hair dresser as an option. I think I’m scared about changing from an in person barber to a mobile one just because I hate change. However, I think it would be a way better fit for me as I‘d feel less anxiety over haircuts and maybe feel comfortable discussing some of the issues I have with the barber/hairdresser :)
I can't stand getting my haircut. One of my 'things' is an intense dislike of people standing behind me (I have to admit that the mirror in front helps with that a little bit).
But then there is also the conversation and I know nothing about football, so I just let it peter out.
Also, my hairs are quite thick and so the little trimmings are like itching powder. I used to have a special white haircut only shirt.
My solution of 4 years now is clippers. I cut my own hair. #2 on the sides and back, and #7 on top. It looks OK to most eyes, though I do always miss a bit and have also gone a bit far up with the #2 a few times. I'm not too bad at it now.
My eldest is training in barbering at the moment, having already trained as a hairdresser. They intend to specialise in mobile hairdressing/barbering for the neurodivergent and trans communities. I had a trim and a shave with a cut-throat razor from them last week, which was very good. Perhaps someone similar operates in your area?
That’s a good option I should look into ones in my area :)
It‘s nice to know people have similar issues with haircuts. I was meant to get one on Saturday but got way to anxious about it. Going to try again Thursday wish me luck
Mobile hairdressers come to your home.
It's much more relaxed in my experience.
I have similar issues to your own.
I used to ask for my hair to be sprayed wet rather than washed.
Oh yes, I hate them.
