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Masking/shrinking to accomodate my partners Autism

NAS96586

I’m exhausted. I’ve realised I have somehow navigated life without too much masking. I only recentury realised that modifying your behaviour to fit social norms was something you could do— if I masked it was unknowingly, but generally I just went along with it being normal that I was a weirdo who didn’t know the rules.

But now, suddenly I find myself having to mask on two fronts. Both professionally and at home. I’m in a neurodiverse unsafe environment at work where I feel I have to crouch down and be small and quiet….. and, in response to my partners unmasking, and asserting his needs following a diagnosis, increasingly I have to do the same at home. All my ways of processing when I’m happy- loud music, songs on repeat , singing, blurting out stuff, interrupting and generally being blissfully unaware—I’m increasingly finding I feel like my wings are clipped .

my husband is becoming more aware of his needs following a diagnosis, and I  feel more and more over the years I have to tiptoe around him. It feels like His needs are so much bigger than mine, it’s like there is no room for me. I really don’t know what to do, but it’s making me very unhappy.

  • I'm in an ND-ND long term relationship (over 40 years)

    Over time we can change and the situations we find ourselves in can also change - it can be difficult to navigate.

    I understand your sadness in having to adapt what you see as your natural behaviour to suit your partner's needs, but a relationship is about compromise and understanding - if he is suffering from noise sensitivity, loud music & singing will cause him distress, it may even be physically painful. 

    I suggest a frank discussion with your partner about how you can each meet the other's needs best. Juniper's idea of a schedule for loud music is a good one - those of us on the spectrum cope best when we know when to expect things. 

    I don't fully understand your work issue and what is unsafe for you. Have you disclosed to your employer? Can you ask them to make adjustments for you? 

    I hope things improve for you soon.

  • It takes 2 to build a marriage. 2 individuals, with hopefully shared values, affording room and growth and need to one another as a conscious act of selflessness. 

    That means each individual understanding strengths and limits and taking responsibility for our own stuff if we would like to build a life-long partnership. And it's a partner, not a live-in slave. Now, there are certain desires we hope we can voice and that the other can meet. There are so many creative ways of negotiating as well. Tues and Wed are loud music nights for me - you can pop out to a book club or wear headphones and play video games, but I need me time and we can't afford 2 houses - is one solution. 

    The great divider in marriages is Resentment. It grows slowly and can take root and it's sleuth. You might not notice it until one day, you wake up and feel nothing but contempt. In all negotiations, this has to be understood as the spy within. 

    Taking responsibility means becoming aware of self and limits, of what I need and what is non-negotiable and what I can handle alone, and then arranging a time to discuss and affording a set period of time to adjust. Taking responsibility means being honest (hopefully kind) with the other about where you might find conflict and being brave enough to be true to yourself and kind to the other: this true self is who they fell in love with to begin. 

    As for work... is it time to move on? Never be afraid to take all the time you need to find yourself, within sensible limits of finances.