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Married to a autistic man

NAS96290

Hello,

I'm hoping I will be able to connect to other ladies who are in a similar position to me.

Life at home is strained and for me sometimes very lonely.

My husband hasn't received his formal diagnosis but there are strong indications that he is autistic.

We are both struggling to communicate without arguments and upsets.

I really need some help but don't know where to turn.

Thank you in advance.

Lynne 

  • My wife and I are in a very similar situation.  We are working to understand how to make things better for both of us but she is without question my voice and I would be lost wihtout her. She is my signal in the noise.  I hope you have found some paths to to help allievate the strain and find a path forward for both of you.  You probably know it is probably very lonely for both of you. 

  • Hi

    I have recently joined this group as my 6 year old has been diagnosed with autism.

    Your post really resonated with me as I believe my husband is also autistic. He is a doctor himself and agrees, but never sought a formal diagnosis.

    We have had to work through challenges in our relationship as a result (and continue to do so). 

    What I try to remember is, when the noise in the house gets too much for him and he puts his noise cancelling headphones on, or when he can’t attend family gatherings with me, there’s a good reason for it. I try hard to not see it as something done to me, but something he has to do for his well being. It is not easy by any means, and it is a journey.

    I wanted to just acknowledge your message and say I hear you.

    sending my best wishes to you 

  • Is this really about autism or is it more of a general relationship thing? Your husband may be autistic or he may not, you don't know yet, autism isn't of itself a reason for a relationship to break down. Maybe you should seek some couples counselling so as you can talk through the issues that are causing arguments in a safe space?

  • I come from the other side. I worry I'm the man you are describing. I can play the role and be active and engaged but if I'm relaxed or struggling I can just go quiet.

    What brought you together in the first place?

    Maybe your relationship has run it's course or it maybe a communication issue. I struggle to open a difficult discussion and to express how I feel.

    Ask the question at least you will know or it maybe enough to start the conversation.

    Good luck 

  • Hi Lynne and welcome to the community.

    You might find this book helpful. It specifically focuses on helping autistic + neurotypical couples to work on their relationships through improved mutual understanding and communication, complete with exercises that you can both complete and discuss, if you wish:

    Loving Someone with Asperger's Syndrome: Understanding and Connecting with your Partner

    (It was written when "Asperger's" was still a diagnostic term, whereas it's now simply diagnosed as autism / Autism Spectrum Disorder).

    Caveat: between one issue / scenario and the next, the author keeps switching the gender pronouns around. In one scenario, the male is autistic, but in the next it's the female, etc. This can be confusing, and I kept needing to check and remind myself "which partner is autistic this time?" But the benefits from the book were well worth the effort, I feel.

    The NAS also has some related advice here:

    Family relationships - a guide for partners of autistic people

    You might also like to consider couples counselling with a neurodivergent-experienced counsellor.