Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi,
I’m Amanda, soon to be 36 years old. I’ve recently come out as Lesbian and have been together with my partner for just 2 months, I have also only just been diagnosed with ASD 1 in July this year.
My girlfriend has just got a new job which has completely sent me off kilter as she is working until 10pm, unpredictable shifts and it’s really upset my routine, I’m finding myself unable to mange my emotions about this as I feel like I’m not seeing her as much and it’s causing me great anxiety, I also have an anxious attachment (mainly to do with my upbringing) and I try and manage this in the best way possible but I’m finding myself over reacting as I don’t know how to deal with this change in routine - it is causing disagreements and I don’t want to cause her stress as this is a job that she really wanted to do.
There has been so many changes in my life in the last 3 months I just don’t know how to deal with everything and I don’t want to mess this up. I think falling in love causes all sorts of crazy emotions even for people who are neurotypical but I think with ASD and anxiety the emotions are so heightened ! Does anyone have any advice ? I feel like she is my soul mate and I want to be with her all the time but I know I can’t! I’m finding myself getting all ate up if she doesn’t respond to my texts but then feel guilty as I know she’s busy !
thanks in advance
It's good that you're in a happy relationship, that is a positive thing to remember! It is also important to remember that your relationship will change over time and so both of you will have to adapt. I've been married to my wife for 14 years, known her longer, and our relationship has definitely not been the same since we first met - it is natural for things to be really happy, sometimes not great, and hopefully mostly just stable. Sometimes we spend lots of time together, other times we don't, but it doesn't change how we feel about each other.
Perhaps you should talk to your partner about your feelings. It is reasonable to expect your partner to listen to how you feel, but it is also reasonable to not assume that she will "fix" how you feel - supporting you is fine, but at the end of the day we are all in charge of our own emotions.
One thing I do sometimes is write my feelings down in a journal. I find that bottling everything up in my head is too much, so I write things down instead, which I find easier than verbally talking to someone. Sometimes I make lists of all the happy/positive things I've experienced recently to remind me that things can be good. Other times I write down the negative emotion I'm feeling (e.g. anxiety about a situation), then list all the reasons why I'm feeling it, and then I'll challenge myself to look at all these reasons a different way. For example, I was anxious dropping my car off at the garage the other day because I know nothing about cars and I would feel stupid. But really I was just overthinking the situation - the garage mechanic won't notice anything about me, so I just had to drop it off and that's it.
I guess this works for me because I'm taking the time to process the situation or feelings, which I think is what we all need - some extra time. Maybe you might find some of this useful too.