Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi, I am 36 years old female and have come to the realisation that I have Autism, my partner had always thought this since we met 3 years ago but I had always dismissed it... However she has noticed patterns in my behaviour, having shut downs and melt downs to a point I had reached out for Therapy. I had been 'depressed' on and off for years and not really knowing what was wrong with me. We went down the roads of Sociopath, Psychopath, chronic depression but those were all dismissed by Therapists/Drs.
Once I done a lot of research into Autism, I felt a sense of overwhelming grief that I had finally related to something... My therapist and Dr suggested I take the ASD assessment... That I need to wait 18months for...
This had all been too much for my partner who is going through her own Trauma so she has left me. 'we are on a break' I don't know what that means. She was my safe space that I could say anything to without judgement, and I feel like I have failed her and failed myself, I believe I was authentic with her.
My parents and brothers do not accept I am autistic and the only friend I have doesn't have any time for me as she is too busy with work etc.
I have reached out to Therapy again just to have someone to talk to about this until my assessment. I feel like I have no idea who I am due to high functioning masking. I do not know what is real and what isn't. I have no one to relate to and I am very anxious about trying to meet people that maybe are going through the same. I am finding this all extremely hard.
ASD T said: I feel like I have no idea who I am due to high functioning masking
Welcome to our Community.
I am sorry to read that you are finding things hard. I think many of us here are likely to find we can definitely relate to your experience.
Some of us will be in a similar situation and others within our Community will be years / decades further along our personal Autism pre assessment / mid assessment / post assessment journeys.
Others within our Community will have been welcomed here either via the self identification route or as a result of their screening or conversations with their GP or other healthcare professionals (not vis the formal diagnosis assessment route).
Sometimes friends, relatives, or carers of Autistic people are also join our Community.
The broad routes / experiences represented by our Forum members joining conversations on different threads helps to provide varied perspectives.
What I am trying to reassure you; I hope that by virtually meeting some of us via this Forum: you will start to feel that you are not alone.
When you mentioned that you were anxious about meeting those who are on a similar journey to your own; it reminded me that I felt similarly before posting on this Forum.
I suspect the above is not an unusual concern for Autistic people to feel.
Many people find everything can feel rather like a lot of new information to try and absorb all at once - in the early stage of learning about Autism, exploring their own personal experience of how their presentation of Autism seems to them and how that knowledge informs how they learn to best navigate their relationships in each of life's arenas (education, work, accessing healthcare, society, neighbours, friends, relatives and life partners).
However, within our Community you will read the real life voices of people (lots of different types of people) who demonstrate nobody needs to find it necessary to be stuck at that early stage in the experience and associated emotions.
Something which many Autistic people can find difficult; is knowing when, and how, to seek and then accept help along the way.
If you have yet to do so, may I suggest you consider visiting the NAS guidance page "What can I do while waiting for an autism assessment?".
https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/diagnosis/assessment-and-diagnosis/what-can-i-do-while-waiting-for-an-autism-assessme
Looking forward to virtually meeting you along the way.
I don't think I've ever felt so lost, confused and alone in my entire life. I know it sounds silly but I just want a hug lol