Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi everyone My name is Sarah. I'm new here. I've been dating a lovely guy with ASD. It's only been a few months so far and I'm still in the learning process. He is warm and affectionate when we are together and likes to initiate physical contact. He has no issues with intimacy either. However he often goes quiet when we are not together and maintaining contact with him can be a little difficult. I have no obvious reason to believe that he doesn't like me as he is affectionate and seems happy when he is with me. He also seems to be very upfront and honest and his thoughts and opinions regardless of whether others may disagree. He likes to crack jokes and try to make me laugh a lot. He has told me on a few occasions that he "misses my presence" when we haven't been able to see each other for a little while. He's also talked about a "cutesy feeling inside" whenever we're together and has said he would be really upset if things ever did end between us for whatever reason. He seems to have great knowledge and understanding of ASD and has done a lot of research himself over the years. He says he wants to continue to take things slow in order to allow feelings and emotions to develop further. I guess I'm wondering if anyone has any insight or advice that could help me with navigating through the dating process with him as I am a little confused about it all at the moment?
NAS95443 said:I guess I'm wondering if anyone has any insight or advice that could help me with navigating through the dating process
There are 2 books that could help you a lot if you are much of a reader:
22 Things a Woman Must Know If She Loves a Man with Asperger’s Syndrome - Rudy Simone (2009)ISBN 9781849058032Loving someone with Asperger's syndrome_ understanding & connecting with your partner - Ariel, Cindy N (2012)ISBN 9781608820771
These give insight into the condition as well as practical tips on what to expect or react in a range of situations.
Good luck.
Thank you so much for the reply. You've actually made some really good points. You've made me realise that I need to try to see things through his perspective. I will try to put these points into action. Much appreciated
Hi Sarah
I'm sorry, but what exactly are you confused about?
I may be misunderstanding your post, but what I have picked up is that you have a boyfriend who is warm and affectionate, is upfront and honest, likes to make you laugh and tells you he misses you when you're apart, and he would hate for your relationship to end.
Is it that he wants to take it slow? If so, be aware that emotions can sometimes be overwhelming for Autistic people and some of us need "alone time" between time with someone who causes us to feel strong emotions. It's better that you both take the time to get to know each other fully and become close friends too, before making a longer term commitment.
You also say that he "goes quiet" when you're not together and maintaining contact can be difficult. This might be because you expect him to talk on the phone, which a lot of us find difficult, or that he has different expectations to you as to how often couples should be in touch with each other. He may not see any reason to ring or message you every day as in his mind he has expressed his feelings last time you were together and they haven't changed.
Try talking honestly to him about how you feel and what you expect from your relationship, so you can come to a compromise.
By the way, I'm an autistic woman, married to a man who's highly likely also autistic, for over 40 years. It's not always easy, but no relationship is. However autistic people can have good long term relationships - you just need lots of honest communication.
Some people are just really bad at long distance contact. The text, the email, it just doesn't work for everyone. Phonecalls can be tricky unless you schedual them in. It may not be too romantic but maybe schedualling in some time on the phone or even face to face is a good idea.
Have you spoken to him about the maintaining contact bit? Maybe there's a middle ground that works for you both.