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Hello -advice please?!

Em

Hello, I was wondering if anyone could offer me any advice please?

My (foster) son is 3 1/2 and he's been with us since he was 17 months old and has always had behavioural problems. I've done everything I can (parenting course, rewards etc) but he still has many worrying types of behaviour. He is aggressive, temper tantrums, self harming, is a 'no' person, tries to annoy/argue, doesn't like noises and is bothered by them, doesn't seem to be able to listen/follow instructions, is 'hyper' and a whole long list of things. I had an appointment with a paediatrician today after trying to get help so many times before and being fobbed off and I wrote a list of his behaviours and even though they can't/won't diagnose under 5 years old he agreed a lot of behaviousr aren't normal and seem to indicate ADHD and Autism although that wasn't a diagnosis. I'm just wondering if anyone can advise on what to do and how to get help for a child this age. He does have a lot of good qualities too and an amazing memory and storytelling ability! Thanks!

  • He sounds similar to my youngest daughter.  I wish I knew what to suggest, having to follow instructions seems to be a challenge for them and they want to defy and also needing to keep occupied all the time.

  • Thanks for the advice and tips. Sometimes we don't know when there is going to be a meltdown as I think there are other things too -not just (possibly?) Autism. He hasn't been diagnosed yet but a lot of people can see ADHD and I see O.D.D (or PDA?) The more i read. the more there is!! he will not co-operate with anything, getting dressed etc so every little task is a battle. I suppose, one thing I need help with is going shopping as it's unavoidable. He is unable to stay by me but wants to walk by himself and if I try to hold his hand so he doesn't get lost he tantrums and won't walk and I can't move him. There seems to be no solution. If I put him in the trolley he will smash his head on it.

    He does absolutely love being out at the park, running and fresh air and also physical stuff like swimming and soft play areas.

    Also, every day at nursery he hits/bites/headbutts staff and children and enjoys (in his words) hurting them. He can recite the rules (No hitting etc) but cannot stick to them and promises of rewards don't work as he lives in the here and now! Do you have any advice for that? Thank you! Emma.

  • Hi

    Thanks for getting back to me. I considered ODD and he has every symptom on there, then I started looking at the NAS website and read about PDA and now I'm more confused! I read that a lot of things are linked, eg Autism, PDA and ADHD and although there's no diagnosis yet, I think the ADHD isn't in dispute! He has an educational Psychologist and she sees that too. I don't know what to try to calm him down as he just loses it and goes wild! What do you suggest?

    Em

  • from my experience with my own son, I think if you can work out what triggers tantrums / meltdowns and avoid it that is the most helpful thing.  For example we do not mention a certain train line to my son unless he can actually go and ride on it immediately, because he loves it so much he's not able to cope with the idea of it without the experience.

    We also use his storytelling / reciting ability to give him scripts to calm / reassure himself.  (such as "you are sad because you are tired" or "don't worry [name] its only the hairdryer, it can't hurt you").  Sometimes when he is upset he will say these things to himself, I hope over time they will become an internal dialogue which helps him tone down the negative feelings so they are managable.

    We keep discipline very factual, using "if... then...." a lot, and he will repeat these to himself at really random unconnected moments, so he is obviously processing things out of the moment (such as "if i throw my food on the floor, then i will not get a special treat", or "if i jump in puddles without my boots on, my feet will get wet and that will make me sad").

    We allow him a lot of self directed play time at home, because he doesn't get this at school and is often stressed out by the time he comes home.  He is MUCH worse if he is tired so lots of sleep is important, and also a decent amount of exercise / getting out of the house into the open air seems to help.

    Each child is an individual though and what works for one might not work for another.

    I often find it much easier to spot what other people are doing wrong with my son rather than have ideas about what we can do right with him.  That reminds me that we are actually making a lot of adjustments unconsciously, little things to help him that are not obvious to other people in the wider family / friend group.  I find that reassuring because although I struggle to articulate how I can help him I am actually doing lots of things to help in practise.  Maybe you might be the same - i.e. your confidence could be lower than your ability?

  • There is also Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA) and Oppositional Defiance Disorder (ODD) which could be considered.

    PDA is a type of autistic condition I think, ODD can be alongside autism and it might even be another term for PDA.  My youngest has ODD behaviours.

    Have you tried homeopathic remedies for calming?