Published on 12, July, 2020
Hello everyone
This is kind of a big deal for me to put this out there. I have been compiling a list of my traits and experiences over the last 9 months now since I discovered my son is autistic. Before that time I knew I was different and I’m utterly shocked at the amount of things I have on my list. I kinda know the answer but I’m so thoughtful towards others that I wouldn’t want to waste an assessor’s time or take an assessment away from someone else but just wanted to share this.
My list so far.
Over sensitive in my nature
Bright sunlight hurts
Take things literally and don’t get why people find that funny
Get frustrated and irritated with yourself and others for very little
Tired in body for no reason feel exhausted
Sensitive to smells (candles and perfume, hairspray and car air fresheners)
Sensitive to extreme heat/cold
High pain threshold
Very Forgetful so use notes but forget to look at them
Struggle with eye contact feels extremely uncomfortable (can’t even look at myself for long)
Struggle with socialising feels overwhelming (more people the worse it feels)
Mask a lot especially in social interactions
Everything is a task
OCD (feel good when I’m this way)
Poor concentration unable to multitask
Sit in quiet dark space sometimes to calm myself down
Over empathetic (can physically feel tension, happiness from others)
Struggle thinking of words when in conversation
Always thinking I don’t handle things well
Can talk very loudly and then too quietly
Don’t like people that much
Easily offended
Get very down
Struggle to plan how long tasks and work take
Struggle to find a word when talking (brain doesn’t think quick enough)
Hate asking for help (guilt)
Get so fixated on tasks can block out things around me inc not eating
Don’t really enjoy going out and can’t wait to get home
Very slow at reading as I constantly go over the same thing (to try and make sense)
Multi tasking is awful and makes me really anxious
Avoid gossip and speculation
Constant need to talk about disagreements
Sulk a lot (silent treatment)
Always look grumpy to people even when happy
Wife says I always appear unhappy
Sensitive to air pressure do get regular nosebleeds
Panic attacks
Highly self aware
Inertia (struggle to start but when I do it’s difficult to stop)
Lack of control (won’t let others do certain things as they won’t do it as I would do it)
Depression and anxiety
Constantly monitor people’s behaviour, body language and expression so I can better interpret their mood (but usually get it wrong)
Use other people’s mannerisms for my own purposes (to appear confident or tougher)
Interests/obsession Motorbike racing, autism, order and monitoring people’s behaviour
Meltdown (internalised and contained) usually are extreme unhappiness, feel detached from everything and in a truly dark place and alone.
Panic attacks where I’m heaving and trying to throw up, breathing restrictions in my throat and sometimes are physically sick.
Have had counselling with 2 or 3 private therapists to no avail.
Genuinely feel I suffer ptsd and was especially highlighted after my father’s devastating stroke and aneurism. This changed me permanently.
Stims include hands between knees and wobble my knees, hold my head in my hands, bite skin in my mouth and fingers sometimes rock
Don’t like being grabbed or touched by surprise
Have trouble saying bye to people like I don’t hug or kiss (unless it’s wife my mum or kids) I just don’t get it
Hate the material silk, it makes me feel sick just thinking about it
Suffered from severe urticaria for years (could never find a cause) had tests for intolerance but was never found. I think this was social anxiety and stress that caused it. I was on medication for a long time for this.
Have had antidepressants in the past from Gp.
Can get taken advantage of.
Hate injustice
Always picking out flaws in what my wife says and correct her which appears to come across as negative
When socialising I get very tired early, lots of yawning and just need to rest
Replay past conversations over and over in my head ( this can be for a very long time after the event)
Don’t like people being too close to me especially if I’m not familiar with them
Can forget what I’m doing if I have a break
Would really appreciate any feedback if you wouldn’t mind at all please.
I would say 90% or even more - it’s me. Literally like you described me. I’m not diagnosed and currently too tired to even think about it. But I know from my psychiatrist and therapist that they are sure I have Asperger. I think you not gonna waste anyone’s time.
Thank you everyone for your responses. Also interesting to see how some of our symptoms are on the opposite end as well. Yes I understand what you mean CatWoman there are things on there that NT individuals would and do experience. For me the big one is the social part which I do to a point but it wipes me out basically. I used to think it was because I had had a hard week at work but I get it when I’m well rested also. By the time it gets to 9pm at the latest I’ve got about 6 toilet breaks under my belt and yawning constantly, then I go quiet and can’t find the words I need to keep in a conversation. At that point my wife starts telling me that I’m so far behind in the conversation. Also realised after being with my partner after 27 years ish that I struggle to understand her. She does explain things to me in more detail now so I can get my head around things better. On the flip side she doesn’t get how I work but with this it’s hard for me to explain.
Thank you once again for your responses, I feel quite reassured. I’ve never really talked about these things which tells me I’m comfortable enough here to mention them.
On the subject of sulking, sulking is loud, having space is quiet, sulkers make sure everyone in the house (and probably half the street) know they're off on one, sulkers have auras like battering rams, its very passive aggressive. Sulkers attempt to silently bully someone into giving up whatever it is thats caused the sulk. It dosen't have to anything major or that important in the general scheme of things, having seen a full grown adult man go into a full on lie down angry sulk because I asked a window cleaner to call, was a complete eye opener and thought I'd seen it all when it came to sulkers.
I really struggle with the social side of life, I never used to as a teen and younger woman, but as a child and now as an older woman I do, I think as a child I just didn't know what to do, so I watched, tried to copy and got it wrong repeatedly. As a young woman I fell out with so many friendship groups, over things I still don't really understand, probably one of those NT things that you have to be NT to get? Now I'm at the point where I don't really care anymore, I have a few acquaintances, but no real friends and thats about the level I want to keep it at, I just don't have the emotional energy to throw into the bottomless pit that is friendship. I have learnt how I'm really bad at picking friends and have learned some of the danger signs of needy people who will drop me at a momments notice as soon as someone better comes along, as yet I've not learned how to make healthy friendships, maybe I never will.
Conversatoins move so quickly, rarely stayiing with one subject for long and most of the subjects I find pretty boring, about soaps, sport and other things I have no knowlege or interest in, especially when the alcohol flows. No longer being able to drink alcohol really impacts my social life, drunks are so boring to be around. I also realised that alcohol made my going over every conversation in my head and imaginging the worst possible interpretations was made far worse by being hung over.
I think it's amazing that anyone can be in a relationship for 27 years whatever their neurology!
I don’t drink much at all. I’ve never been able to handle it very well to be honest, I never seemed to be able to get on the same level as the others and I paid heavily for trying the next day. I could easily be throwing up until I was empty and beyond the day after. Sorry that was a bit gross. On the relationship part thanks for your comment but it is a struggle for me and I suppose my wife would say the same. I still have a hard time understanding things and my partner is probably tired of having to explain her mood or intentions some times as I tend to assume the opposite to what it is exactly. It gets me into trouble on a daily basis but I guess when you have functioned like that for so long it’s hard to find a way round it. Having said that I do spend a huge amount of time on my own, I work for myself and alone which suits me perfectly. I love it when the house is empty also as I quite like my own company and I can just kick back and chill.