Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi, I joined like a month ago but haven't really engaged yet with this platform.
I'm 22 and I've had high-functioning autism all my life. Wasn't diagnosed until a month ago.
My autism made school and university miserable. Whilst I did make friends, I was bullied because of how I was.
And I am upset because I feel really behind in life.
I'm 22 and I feel behind in life. I do not have a job, a car, a driver's licence, or a girlfriend. And I still live with my parents. I've never gone dating or had a girlfriend because I lack the courage and I feel that I should sort my life out first before even attempting dating.
I got excellent grades at school, went to Imperial College London, got a 2:1 Physics MSci degree, got good volunteer experience and work experience, and I cannot get a job. I have been applying for graduate schemes/jobs/roles in business/finance/renewable energy/operations/project management/public sector since September 2022 (start of my final year), sent in 190 applications roughly, since then, got real close to a couple of offers. Gradually I have been getting a bit better at job applications/interviews. I didn't start asking for adjustments until a few months ago, and even so, things haven't got much better. A lot of my applications are thrown out after the online assessment stage, and feedback is usually not given (due to high volume of applications). I hate not having a graduate job yet. Seeing other people my age on LinkedIn showing off their new job roles whilst I am stuck in the dirt makes me really upset.
Since graduating last year I have been doing part-time volunteering, applying for jobs, and learning some more life skills like how to cook more stuff. I help my parents with the house work a lot more than I used to. Since January I have been taking weekly driving lessons. I passed my driving theory test last week, first attempt, and it made me feel a bit better about myself. But then I remembered I don't have a job. I keep applying for jobs. Writing CVs and cover letters is not a problem. Getting passed some online assessments and interviews is the problem. Asking for adjustments hasn't really helped me that much in most applications. I've gotten to final round interviews and been rejected for some stupid reasons like not being a good culture fit.
I live in outer London. Plenty of jobs in London, right? Wrong. I have tried recruitment agencies but they are all pretty much useless. I can't do service jobs because I hate people. I am not going back to uni to do another degree or to do a post-graduate degree. What would be best for me would be to get a full-time job. I acknowledge that I might have to get a temp job first. The volunteering is okay, but it is remote, and twice a week, and each session is 30 mins. It is not paid and I cannot do it forever. My parents say I should get a job that gets me out of the house, and I agree. I am looking for in-person work. Because I have anxiety and a bunch of food intolerances, no driving licence, no car, I cannot move somewhere else to find work. I may move somewhere else years down the line, but I would like to work for a few years in London first before even considering relocating. Where I live is commutable and safe.
My university careers service has been very helpful over the years, with applications, and I have been able to get some great networking opportunities, volunteering, work experience, and online courses because of their help. The careers service helps graduates up to three years after graduation. I feel like I have exhausted all of them for their advice about graduate job searching. Unfortunately companies do not realise that I am a decent candidate, with excellent school grades, an excellent degree, and excellent work experience. They discount me because I cannot do some stupid online assessment, or because during the interview I don't seem like a good culture fit. I worry that I will never get a job. And even if I do get a job, there is the risk of being laid off, and having to apply for loads of jobs again. I worry that I'll never be able to retire and will probably have to work until I die. Everyone hates their jobs anyway. The country, and the world, seem to get worse every single day. I had every aspiration beaten out of me by school, university, and by the job hunt. It seems that it's too competitive. Too many people. Too many problems.
I don't think this way all the time. I try to keep my head up, get out of bed each day, go outside for some fresh air, apply for jobs, do the part-time remote volunteering, and do my hobbies.
My hobbies include reading, walking, cycling, cooking, board games (including scrabble), card games, and LEGO. I get some exercise every day. I walk and cycle in my local area, and do my stretches/other exercises at home, because I find gyms to be loud, crowded, expensive, and for some reason people think it's okay to film others with their phones. These things are really off-putting to me. (As a side note, I recognise the fact that everyone has different needs, and that many people don't have the space at their home to exercise.)
My parents told me to join this community and engage with it because they want me to spend more time with other people. I am trying to spend less time on my computer, and set screen time limits. I deleted most social media during 2020, and I keep off of bad online forums/divisive content that can radicalise people. I am also trying to stop myself scrolling through the LinkedIn feed.
If you are reading this and planning to say something like "get help" or "get therapy/counselling", please don't, I have gotten help plenty of times in these avenues. Sometimes it has helped, other times it has not. Generally speaking, I am in a much better place than I used to be, and I look after my health. But according to my parents I don't spend enough time with other people. It was difficult to make "friends for life" at uni because of covid and also because I was a commuter student (1hr 10 mins).
I have a small friend group, and we are scattered across different parts of the country, so we don't meet up that often. I try to speak to at least one friend each day over text or WhatsApp.
Honestly I don't know whether posting this up will really be the start of making things better, or making new friends. I might go use meetup.com or something to find an activity group. I am just really trying every day and it feels like my hard work has stopped paying off. At school and at university, my hard work did pay off. But now when looking for a job it hasn't. Even when I get a job I worry I will be bullied because of my autism and my stature (I am an average height man who is quite slim, with thick glasses because bad-eyesight runs in the family, and I look younger than I am). And I find it hard to trust people due to being bullied.
Please help. I need a job and I need to spend more time with other people. I don't know what else to say here. I don't know if anyone will read this or respond to this. I would like to try to build the courage to engage with this online community.
Update 21st April 2024: thank you very much for the kind responses. I have signed up to a different recruiting agency and put my name down for part-time/temp work as well as full-time work. I have also applied for mentoring support for finding employment, and will do some interview practice with the university careers service (when I get to the interview stage).
Hi Pixiefox, thank you for your response. I have edited it out of my post, but KDV stands for Kissless Dateless Virgin. I use that term because according to stupid societal standards, someone my age "should" have done those things. KTHHFDV stands for Kissless Touchless Hugless Handholdless Friendless Dateless Virgin, aka an incel. I am afraid that if I date someone, when they find out im a Kissless Dateless Virgin, what if they think im weird or an incel. (i know this is an irrational fear and one that I am strenuously trying to rid myself of). I want to clarify that I am afraid of being accused of being an incel. This is a rather irrational fear, I know, as the incel ideology is an extremely misogynistic one.
I would like to clarify that I am not an incel, never have been and never will be. It is a grotesque ideology and one that I will always oppose. I am not misogynistic. In fact, I am a feminist. I do not engage with those online forums in the so-called manosphere. What concerns me is that the term incel is thrown around in the media a lot, and is sometimes used by some people to refer to all men with no romantic experience, even those who are not misogynists. They may be just shy or more reserved, as in my case. I am not very courageous, and am very nervous around women. I have avoided dating/relationships and tried to build on other areas of my life.
I know the fear I have described (of being accused of being an incel due to being a Kissless Dateless Virgin) is an irrational one, and I am sorry for using that acronym, KDV, to describe myself. I have removed it from my post. I know I am too harsh on myself (all my family, friends, and teachers tell me this). I should not think of my life in terms of what I feel I should have done by now, but rather the things that I have accomplished (e.g. degree and work experience, making friends and learning new skills), and the things i would like to do in the future (get a driver's licence, a job, and move out my parents house, and maybe go dating). I should not rush myself.
I have considered data analysis/IT roles but I am not technical enough. I know MS Office suite, Teams, a bit of PowerBI, and some python, some sound editing software, but no other tech or coding language skills. I have considered going into teaching or teaching assistant roles. This is a sort of last resort option for me. I have registered with a different agency and have put my name down for part-time/temp roles as well as full-time roles. I have also signed up for mentoring that is designed for people with autism, and helping them with things such as finding employment.
I chose physics because it was my best subject in school and a lot of career opportunities are there for physics students and graduates. I have been applying to fewer finance positions and more public sector roles and operations roles (these require a lot of organisation, time management, planning, communication, and problem solving, things I am good at).
Corporate culture is a strange one. I don't drink tea, coffee, or alcohol. I don't smoke or vape or use drugs. I tend to avoid loud crowded places. So yeah, it's difficult for me to feel that I fit in.
The economy and job market have not been great for the last couple of years, as you said, it's difficult for many people. The getting a car thing is not a priority of mine - maybe I'll never get one. But the driver's licence I would like to get, and I am enjoying the weekly driving lessons.
Thank you again for your kind response. I will do my best to engage with the community.
Story of my life, since I was your age; I'm 44 now.
Perhaps the convenient mode of Job searching isn't for us.
Hi Joseph and welcome
I'm intrigued by what you mean by KDV - never heard of it - I googled it and the results indicate that you are either a type of partial differential equation, or a Turkish Tax Law
You're only 22, so don't get depressed at not having done certain things yet. I'm in my 60s and still don't drive or own a car - not bothered about it now either.
Congratulations on getting your degree. youre doing all the right things, but It's difficult to get your first job these days, whether you're autistic or not.
Maybe you're being told that you're not a "culture fit" because you come over as someone who would not enjoy the things that other staff in the company do, like going to the pub Friday lunchtime or playing golf together at the weekend. Also, although your physics degree should give you the opportunity to get a wide range of jobs, may be they think it's too narrow a field to give you the ability to adapt to a role like the ones you have been applying for in business/finance/renewable energy/operations/project management/public sector.
I would have suggested teaching or lecturing, but as you don't like people you probably wouldn't enjoy it. Have you applied for any scientific/technical roles in your local hospital? Have you thought about being a Data analyst? IT and engineering positions also might be a good fit for you. You mentioned temping, but have you registered with agencies for temporary work, or just permanent positions? I've found that temping can be a good way in to getting a permanent role.
Keep engaging with this community - we don't always have all the answers, but we try to support others.
Welcome to the community.
I'm afraid I don't have much to offer in terms of getting a job. I was incredibly lucky to be able to get a job straight out of college but the job market was much easier all those years ago. Once you have a job then actually enjoying it and wanting to stay is another matter entirely.
Joseph said:I keep applying for jobs. Writing CVs and cover letters is not a problem. Getting passed some online assessments and interviews is the problem. Asking for adjustments hasn't really helped me that much in most applications. I've gotten to final round interviews and been rejected for some stupid reasons like not being a good culture fit.
Opinions differ on whether it is better to disclose being autistic prior to interview. Some say that it is better to wait until after the job offer and perhaps even after you have passed any probationary period. However I believe that up front disclosure is the best approach, so that the employer understands who they are hiring. If you mask the interview and then present very differently later it can cause disappointment on both sides.
It's probably better to know in advance if you are not considered a good culture fit for a particular organisation. It would potentially be a lucky escape and save you a lot of stress and potential burnout from working in an unsuitable environment. If they are big and team working and you work best as an individual then it's not going to be a good fit.
Welcome!
I've found it difficult to get a job too. I worked in the TV industry for a while and struggled to find my path after that - been out of work for 2.5 years bar some freelance bits.
I wish there were neurodivergent friendly careers advisors or something.
Hi Joseph!
Sorry to hear you've been having a tough time post-graduation, I think a lot of students are in a similar boat post-covid. I'm 24, I graduated in 2020 just as covid was kicking off and wasn't diagnosed until a year after that, which really threw me.
Other than freelancing and a journalist/writer throughout covid it was impossible to get a job, and it took well over a year for me to find a full-time job, and even longer to settle in. Prior to that I was in the same boat, applying to tons of jobs, get to interview stage, but then not get the job over "culture fit" or communication, or experience.
Unfortunately for me, the only way things really got better was through getting out of my comfort zone and persevering. At times I felt so behind compared to everyone else, especially as I only learned how to drive when I turned 21, and that was so painful. When things were really tough I turned to my family for support, and eventually the docs who could support with mental health side of stuff.
Regarding the things you are concerned about, it would be worth seeing if your doctor can refer you to Social Prescribers in your area who can help with setting goals of things you might want to achieve, including befriending, social activities, health and wellbeing improvement, and they can also point you in the right direction for other services if they can't help you directly (this includes job stuff).
Sorry for talking a lot about my experiences, also I'm not an expert lol. Please keep in mind you are only in your twenties (as am I) and the only person setting high expectations of what you should be achieving is yourself. I say this as I do the exact same thing, I compare myself to others and the fact they have a house and I don't, that they have a car and I don't... Life is a long journey and not a race. :-)
Happy to keep in touch if you are looking to connect with people on here. :-)
I'm not in a position to offer help as I've not been able to work for quite a while because of anxiety and such, but I just wanted to say welcome and I hope things look up for you soonish.