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I feel like I'm acting all the time

AmyMaybe

Hi, I'm new to the forum.

I'm still school age, and my brother is autistic. I haven't got an official diagnosis, but I have a lot of symptoms of autism, and I have talked to a specialist who agrees that there is a strong likelihood that I'm autistic. I feel like I'm acting all the time (including to my parents), and I don't know how to stop. I'm so many different personalities at the moment and it's exhausting trying to keep up. I'm a different person in all my subjects and I don't really know who I am any more. I used to only mask at school but now I can't face my parents any more, so I don't have any down time where I can recharge. My parents don't know that I think I might be autistic, because they spend quite a lot of time on my brother (which I don't blame them for at all). Occasionally I have meltdowns that I call panic attacks at school when the music is too loud or the lights are too bright or the temperature is too hot, but other than that no one knows that I might not be normal. And I'm not sure how long I can keep that up for. Any tips on how to stop acting (at least part of the time)? Should I tell my parents what I think or should I go through my school? I don't want to worry them - my brother is going through a difficult patch right now. Thanks.

  • in reply to Iain

    Thank you, that is so helpful!

  • AmyMaybe said:
    I haven't got an official diagnosis, but I have a lot of symptoms of autism

    I would recommend doing one of the free online tests to be sure - there are many shared traits between autism and other neurodivergent "conditions" such as ADHD and bipolar so it would be wise to make sure you are looking at the right approaches to your needs.

    Try searching online for "free autism online test" and chose a .ORG site (ie a non-profit one) - I normally suggest:

    https://www.thevividmind.org/blog/test/autism-test-online/

    If autism is not suggested then repeat the search for ADHD free online test and repeat the process.

    It isn't 100% but is a lot better than almost any non-specialist out there.

    The acting is called masking and it something most autists do as our brains never developed the same way that neurotypicals did and as a result our understanding of social behaviour is lacking, so we tend to subconciously observe those around us and act in a way to fit in - pretty much a survival instinct.

    This also explains why you act different in different groups - surviving in different environments.

    It does cost us a lot of energy as we tend to have to monitor what is going on around us more than normal, work out what response is probably expected, act it out and monitor the response to make sure it was right. Way too much work!

    AmyMaybe said:
    Occasionally I have meltdowns that I call panic attacks at school when the music is too loud or the lights are too bright or the temperature is too hot

    It sounds like you need to read up on autism (if that is what you are) and understand how to manage the flags that the stress levels are building to meltdown - and how to bring yourself back down to a healthy level.

    AmyMaybe said:
    Any tips on how to stop acting (at least part of the time)?

    Read up on autistic masking - it will help you realise when you are doing it and you can slowly wean yourself off it.

    I would say don't go cold turkey on it as the change in behaviour will cause a lot of issues. Do it gradually and take the time to monitor how your energy levels are after it.

    It is a long road to do this and personally I still mask in many situations as it simply makes life easier - i know when to assert myself and turn down unreasonable requests and where I can be fully unmasked. This took years to get right but it makes the world of difference.

    If you can, get a therapist to help as it is often difficult without expert guidance.

    Good luck.

  • in reply to Martin

    I also people-please; for fear of conflict.

    People, however, will always let us down.

  • It seems to me that you need to tell someone about your problems. You are not your brother's keeper, neither should you try to cover up your difficulties because he is also having problems. I suspect that you are a 'people pleaser', not at all uncommon in autistics. This is why you feel that you are acting, it is because you are trying very hard to be as close as you can to what you think other people want you to be. It is not easy to stop or reduce doing this, you could probably benefit from some form of talking therapy.