Published on 12, July, 2020
Social difficulties: particularly in a group setting centered around an activity (jiu jitsu, for example). I always tend to perceive that I've been black listed. They stopped inviting me out places alongside the group. I believe this is entirely due to my inability to stay within the social norms concerning my high sense of justice and immediate need to bear my soul with everyone. I'm 36. I was yesterday years old when I learned 1. that small talk isn't painful for most people and it actually helps them feel calm and safe (kind of like a script but for allistics) 2. you will have different "levels" of relationships depending on the context you made the connection in. For example, not everyone you meet is your friend. In fact, most people are merely acquaintances. And when your bjj coach says you can text him anytime if you need something you cannot, in fact, text him any time. Especially because his wife will start thinking you're up to something nefarious. 3. you have to change how you talk to people based on hierarchy and your boss notices if you don't. And that's not good unless your boss is also neurodivergent (thankfully, I've finally found a manager that is and we work very well together and talk about our cats a lot instead of business).
Anyway, as for the group setting thing. I've never been good at group dynamics. I was tempted to try and find yet another self help book on the matter but decided to say *** this ***. these people are not interested in understanding me, why should i continue to learn masking skills for them? bastards. but also... i wanted to be part of the whole. :(
Ok, thats all for now. I'm in the good ole usa. It sucks here, too. fyi.
Special interest: psychology, because I keep trying to fix myself so Im not lonely. Also, i keep going back to drawing because it clams me down like nothing else. I feel like I woke up from a deep sleep if I just spend 30 minutes drawing and hyper focusing on it with music in my noise cancelling ear buds.
I don't like small talk because it's boring, but I realized that if you can take something that's boring and say it in an interesting way, and leave an opening for the person you are speaking with to chime in with their response, that will build the bond between you two.
If it's awkward, I choose to be the one to "break the ice" and make small talk. I learned to just say things with confidence, and just speak my mind, yet I mainly just allow the other person to talk while I listen. People love talking, and I just try to create openings for them to discuss something they're interested in.
I learned not to be too quiet, because in a social situation, if I don't say anything at all, the other person just gets so tense that they start getting paranoid and they assume that I'm thinking bad things about them, or that I don't want to be there with them, which is not true. So in any awkwardly silent situation, I start saying whatever I'm thinking, even if it's "I'm not sure what to say at the moment" which is honest, and doesn't leave them guessing at what's going on in your mind.
But anyways, I hope that you can bond with people, so that they'll invite you out to places, and that you can have fun and make memories with them.
Is it possible to learn this skill?
A few years ago I tried to read that book "How to Win Friends and Influence People" and it felt very nefarious and not like anything I could do. I didn't feel capable of saying most of the things it suggested because it felt manipulative and I just wanted to be honest with people.
But due to bad experiences, I generally prefer to not say what I actually think, so usually don't say anything out of fear.
But I've realised I am far too self-focused. I don't give people openings to respond, and I respond to other people's questions with "yes" or "no" answers which end a conversation, and that's something I know I need to fix, but always forget to.
Basically if I want to continue a conversation then everything I say should end with an opening for someone to reply. And when I look back on it analytically, I don't do that.
Paper said:But due to bad experiences, I generally prefer to not say what I actually think, so usually don't say anything out of fear.
this is a pretty good summary of the autistic experience of life