Published on 12, July, 2020
Social difficulties: particularly in a group setting centered around an activity (jiu jitsu, for example). I always tend to perceive that I've been black listed. They stopped inviting me out places alongside the group. I believe this is entirely due to my inability to stay within the social norms concerning my high sense of justice and immediate need to bear my soul with everyone. I'm 36. I was yesterday years old when I learned 1. that small talk isn't painful for most people and it actually helps them feel calm and safe (kind of like a script but for allistics) 2. you will have different "levels" of relationships depending on the context you made the connection in. For example, not everyone you meet is your friend. In fact, most people are merely acquaintances. And when your bjj coach says you can text him anytime if you need something you cannot, in fact, text him any time. Especially because his wife will start thinking you're up to something nefarious. 3. you have to change how you talk to people based on hierarchy and your boss notices if you don't. And that's not good unless your boss is also neurodivergent (thankfully, I've finally found a manager that is and we work very well together and talk about our cats a lot instead of business).
Anyway, as for the group setting thing. I've never been good at group dynamics. I was tempted to try and find yet another self help book on the matter but decided to say *** this ***. these people are not interested in understanding me, why should i continue to learn masking skills for them? bastards. but also... i wanted to be part of the whole. :(
Ok, thats all for now. I'm in the good ole usa. It sucks here, too. fyi.
Special interest: psychology, because I keep trying to fix myself so Im not lonely. Also, i keep going back to drawing because it clams me down like nothing else. I feel like I woke up from a deep sleep if I just spend 30 minutes drawing and hyper focusing on it with music in my noise cancelling ear buds.
I was thinking about similar stuff the other day, that despite knowing a lot of people I don't have friends. I don't think people realise how bad my social skills are because I only bump into them once in a while or when passing by. I stick to the same conversation routine "How have you been", "What have you been up to" or if they're doing something I've done before I can share my experience with it. 5 minute conversations max, nothing about myself just focusing on them. I rely on others being the outgoing conversation leaders, even over text. If they don't make conversation, I won't either. I also feel lonely sometimes, but I think that I should accept I'm not going to find my people like others say. It's hard. I have had various jobs, managed to fit in quite well in some but not my last one. My last job was horrendous, they didn't like that I struggled with communication despite their company trying to celebrate and welcome diversity by doing all these training courses and newsletters for awareness. It was all for show.
The world is simply not designed for us ND people, all we can hope is that we find like-minded people and have access to accommodations.