23 y/o woman, currently undiagnosed

Hi,

My name is Evie, and I'm a 23 year old Film Studies student. I understand that the term 'self-diagnosed' is generally frowned upon, however I know that I'm absolutely autistic - and it's not in a 'quirky' way, nor is it through self-diagnosis through the painful medium of TikTok. It's something I've struggled with my whole life; it's something that my parents have always assigned to the common notion of childhood/adolescence shyness and awkwardness, which has been a condition from which I've never been able to expand beyond.

Until the age of around 20, I believed in the parentally instilled, yet ignorantly optimistic belief that I would one day be able to reach the level of social ability to confidently converse in a normal manner with strangers; I thought that some day I wouldn't end up saying something weird, and I'd be able to hold a conversation without making other people feel uncomfortable through my mannerisms and overall demeanour. 

Fast foward three years, and as a fully grown adult, I still haven't mastered the art of conversation. I find it physically painful to make eye contact with anyone who isn't within my immediate family/friendship circle; I never feel like I'm behaving like my true self unless I'm conversing with someone who has known me for a long time, and is aware of the strange chemistry within my brain. I even struggle to say people's names out loud because it just doesn't feel 'right' to me; it's like I've overstepped an unwritten rule which prohibits referring to people by name, even though I know that it's a completely normal and socially acceptable thing to do. I also have a facial tic (constantly blinking in sequence) which I believe makes people feel uncomfortable.

I often feel like an alien on my own planet, and I rely on music as a comforter. I adore the reverberating noise of shoegaze as much as I love the uplifting beats of motown; the euphoric dread of post-punk carries me through the day before the calming throes of classical music lulls me to sleep.

Many people don't initially perceive me in an 'autistic' manner; up to a certain point, I feel as though I cope fairly well with masking. I have a decent sized group of friends, and as much as I don't see it within myself, I've even been told that I am considered attractive 'for an autistic girl.' I am very good at creative subjects (however I'm awful at maths and science, compared to most stereotypes) however I have so many niche interests that I feel as though I'll never be able to discuss them with anyone without them thinking that I'm even odder than I alreadly am.

I could write so much more about these experiences within my mind, but I just want some support from like-minded people who may be able to relate. I'm going to start the process of getting a diagnosis, but I'm well aware that it's going to be a long journey. ️