Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi,
My name is Evie, and I'm a 23 year old Film Studies student. I understand that the term 'self-diagnosed' is generally frowned upon, however I know that I'm absolutely autistic - and it's not in a 'quirky' way, nor is it through self-diagnosis through the painful medium of TikTok. It's something I've struggled with my whole life; it's something that my parents have always assigned to the common notion of childhood/adolescence shyness and awkwardness, which has been a condition from which I've never been able to expand beyond.
Until the age of around 20, I believed in the parentally instilled, yet ignorantly optimistic belief that I would one day be able to reach the level of social ability to confidently converse in a normal manner with strangers; I thought that some day I wouldn't end up saying something weird, and I'd be able to hold a conversation without making other people feel uncomfortable through my mannerisms and overall demeanour.
Fast foward three years, and as a fully grown adult, I still haven't mastered the art of conversation. I find it physically painful to make eye contact with anyone who isn't within my immediate family/friendship circle; I never feel like I'm behaving like my true self unless I'm conversing with someone who has known me for a long time, and is aware of the strange chemistry within my brain. I even struggle to say people's names out loud because it just doesn't feel 'right' to me; it's like I've overstepped an unwritten rule which prohibits referring to people by name, even though I know that it's a completely normal and socially acceptable thing to do. I also have a facial tic (constantly blinking in sequence) which I believe makes people feel uncomfortable.
I often feel like an alien on my own planet, and I rely on music as a comforter. I adore the reverberating noise of shoegaze as much as I love the uplifting beats of motown; the euphoric dread of post-punk carries me through the day before the calming throes of classical music lulls me to sleep.
Many people don't initially perceive me in an 'autistic' manner; up to a certain point, I feel as though I cope fairly well with masking. I have a decent sized group of friends, and as much as I don't see it within myself, I've even been told that I am considered attractive 'for an autistic girl.' I am very good at creative subjects (however I'm awful at maths and science, compared to most stereotypes) however I have so many niche interests that I feel as though I'll never be able to discuss them with anyone without them thinking that I'm even odder than I alreadly am.
I could write so much more about these experiences within my mind, but I just want some support from like-minded people who may be able to relate. I'm going to start the process of getting a diagnosis, but I'm well aware that it's going to be a long journey. ️
Hi!
I think its interesting how you said you feel like you cant say peoples names outloud because ive always had that too. When I want someones attention, instead of saying their name, I just stare at them till they notice I want to say something or if their taking too long then I might poke their arm gently (if I know them well) or Ill just not say what I wanted to even though that makes me uncomfortable.
Anyway I hope you are able to get your diagnosis without it taking too long or being stressful <3
Hi and welcome to the community.
I hope you find it really useful and helpful being here. It's a really supportive community here :)
Everything your experiencing is totally normal I think it's something we can all relate to in one way or another
Great that you have a group of friends too!
Take care ^^
Welcome to the forum. I hope being here helps you on your journey.
Everything you're feeling is completely valid, by the way. Being considered attractive 'as an autistic girl', if that's the wording used, seems a bit of a backhanded compliment, but I'm glad you've got a circle of friends. I'd definitely encourage you to be open with them about all this if you haven't been already.
I get the feeling of niche interests. Even though I know the things I like are popular, finding people who feel the same way about them wasn't easy but I did find them eventually. I'm sure you will too.
Good luck on your journey.
Hi Evie :) I think I share the same feelings and experiences as you, I'd like to talk about stuff with you :)