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i think my adult son is autistic, need help.

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I am a mum to 5 children, the eldest one is 21. He is my son and i think he is autistic. when he was 6, his teacher at school called in the child psychologist and he said that he was borderline aspergers/ autism. they didnt put it into writing, it was just a unformal opinion and nothing was really done about it. As he was growing up he was given help within school but since leaving, no help. when in school he expressed a interest in joing the army. that was when he was 16. we took him to the army careers and he did the barb test which he passed with flying colours and they gave him a list of 80 possible jobs he could do. he failed the interview as he had not research enough about the army. He did a 12 week army prep course which meant we took him to college and he boarded there coming home at weekends, we collected him, it wasnt a close college meaning we were up early just to take him. this course was to get him ready for the army, and raise his confidence. didnt work. Then he did two years at cornwall college doing a public services course for the same reason, and then finally a princes trust course.nothing has worked as whenever he goes for an interview, he has no confidence, dosent make eye contact, and fails miserably. at the moment he is on the dole but helps my husband with his gardening business. Because of the way ben is, my husband gets really stressed as ben dosent listen, gets the wrong tools, breaks things by being heavy handed and its very frustrating. took him to see our gp to hopefully get him assessed but he said throw him out and get him a job. as time goes on things are getting worse. the atmosphere in the house is so tense the other children are being affected too.

 Ben has no friends, has no social life because of this, makes odd noises, the attention span of a gnat, gets frustrated easily and quickly, has no patience. he would rather spend all his time on his phone doing dragon role play then anything else, shows no emotion until you take his phone off him then he breaks down and goes on about his phone. comes out with random things when you try and have a conversation with him. cannot string a sentance together without jumbling his words.

I am at my wits end as my husband keeps saying he cant deal with it and threatens to leave. so not only do i have a house with 5 kids in but a very stressed out husband to deal with too. please help someone.

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  • Hotel california said:
    I just wish to comment on the point made that your child is an adult.  Only recently in the news it was debated as to whether or not a person could be deemed an adult at the age of 18.  Experts now consider the age to be closer to 23!  Taking into account that your son cannot hold down a job and from what you say unable to care for himself, I would not consider him to be anywhere near adulthood.  

    Also your other children will be watching very closely to see how you support their sibling and will respect you more if whatever action you take is done with his best interests at heart.   If they are old enough I would include them in the decision making process and let them have their say.  I wish you all well.

    I agree Hotel california.  Even neurotypicals are immature at that age, and it is a known fact that people with Asperger's are at least 3-4 years younger than their chronological age in maturity and emotions.  If you couple that with executive function deficits that mean problems with organising and planning (and this is a lot more than just being an average person that is disorganised), high anxiety and problems in communication, which include difficulty understanding the motivations of others making someone on the spectrum naive and gullible and prone to abuse, a young adult with Asperger's should not be treated the same as a neurotypical adult when it comes to responsibility and capability.  Someone with Asperger's can be classed as a vulnerable adult if their issues are severe enough.

    When a child grows up, any child, they are still the child of the parents and the parents will always feel the same love and care for them.  You don't abandon an adult child letalone one with a disability, despite what Anguished Sibling would like to believe.

    I speak as both a parent of two and an adult with Asperger's.

    I also agree that it would set a bad example to the siblings of such an adult should he be "thrown out" and his needs not met.  A loving parent will always want to ensure their child has what they need to have their wellbeing met, it doesn't matter what age the child is.

    Yes, the family's needs are very important, but not at the expense of an individual in need.  The family needs support and the individual needs support.  I don't care what eminent title someone has or how many qualifications someone has that doesn't mean they understand ASCs or what someone on the spectrum needs or is capable of.  There are a lot of misinformed clinicians out there, and a fair few with stereotyped and outdated views about autism so having a title doesn't mean what they say is gospel.

    Despite what Anguished Sibling says, I have not read of anyone on this forum saying that people on the spectrum come first and our needs are the only important ones.  And it might do to remind yourself Anguished Sibling, that lo and behold this is a forum for people with autism and parents of autistic children, so of course needs of autistic people will be discussed here!

    It would be a good idea for anyone with such misinformed views to do some reading on Asperger's and autistic spectrum conditions.

Reply

  • Hotel california said:
    I just wish to comment on the point made that your child is an adult.  Only recently in the news it was debated as to whether or not a person could be deemed an adult at the age of 18.  Experts now consider the age to be closer to 23!  Taking into account that your son cannot hold down a job and from what you say unable to care for himself, I would not consider him to be anywhere near adulthood.  

    Also your other children will be watching very closely to see how you support their sibling and will respect you more if whatever action you take is done with his best interests at heart.   If they are old enough I would include them in the decision making process and let them have their say.  I wish you all well.

    I agree Hotel california.  Even neurotypicals are immature at that age, and it is a known fact that people with Asperger's are at least 3-4 years younger than their chronological age in maturity and emotions.  If you couple that with executive function deficits that mean problems with organising and planning (and this is a lot more than just being an average person that is disorganised), high anxiety and problems in communication, which include difficulty understanding the motivations of others making someone on the spectrum naive and gullible and prone to abuse, a young adult with Asperger's should not be treated the same as a neurotypical adult when it comes to responsibility and capability.  Someone with Asperger's can be classed as a vulnerable adult if their issues are severe enough.

    When a child grows up, any child, they are still the child of the parents and the parents will always feel the same love and care for them.  You don't abandon an adult child letalone one with a disability, despite what Anguished Sibling would like to believe.

    I speak as both a parent of two and an adult with Asperger's.

    I also agree that it would set a bad example to the siblings of such an adult should he be "thrown out" and his needs not met.  A loving parent will always want to ensure their child has what they need to have their wellbeing met, it doesn't matter what age the child is.

    Yes, the family's needs are very important, but not at the expense of an individual in need.  The family needs support and the individual needs support.  I don't care what eminent title someone has or how many qualifications someone has that doesn't mean they understand ASCs or what someone on the spectrum needs or is capable of.  There are a lot of misinformed clinicians out there, and a fair few with stereotyped and outdated views about autism so having a title doesn't mean what they say is gospel.

    Despite what Anguished Sibling says, I have not read of anyone on this forum saying that people on the spectrum come first and our needs are the only important ones.  And it might do to remind yourself Anguished Sibling, that lo and behold this is a forum for people with autism and parents of autistic children, so of course needs of autistic people will be discussed here!

    It would be a good idea for anyone with such misinformed views to do some reading on Asperger's and autistic spectrum conditions.

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