Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi,
I’m the father of two boys. One with ASD and the other with ASD and ADHD. My eldest (with ASD) is 13 and he is the reason for my post. He frequently questions the value of his life, ‘I have no friends, I’m useless, I’m no good at anything, my life’s really bad. ‘ He’s incredibly bright and funny, obsessed with trains and his Xbox and currently training on there to be the next F1 world champion !!!We try our very best to help but don’t have all the answers and I’m sure this is not an uncommon story. So I guess what I’m wondering is who else has a similar situation and what’s worked for you. I know he feels like he’s the only one so maybe you have a lad that’s in/been through this too? I’ve suggested he write on here but that’s a step too far for him right now, even though chatting to someone like himself I’m sure could really help.
So if you’ve found yourself in the same position and have some sage advice or have a teenage lad who’s really owned his Autism I’d love to hear back.
Thanks
Hi, Sadly I've had almost exactly those same thoughts (about being useless, no good at anything, a failure, no friends etc) and I still do. So I can relate even though I am much older now than your son. I wish I knew how to boost self-confidence. As I grew up much of my self-worth was based on doing well academically- I had a hard time at school, no friends etc, so I just focused on the academics but that was in the long term also not the best approach.
What I find sometimes helps, when I feel unhappy with everything, is to write out the negative thoughts and/or things I am not happy with (I really like to take large pieces of paper and maybe some coloured pens to write down key words). I then try to separate them into those issues that I can do something about vs those that I cannot and I will think of ways that I can tackle those things I might be able to change. It's not always easy though- things like 'not having friends' can be very tough to consciously change- I had no friends at school and I felt that maybe I wasn't trying hard enough etc. but I now know I simply hadn't meant people that I could be friends with- that happened at university and I made a few friends almost effortlessly. It was much easier to meet likeminded people at university. What I really want to tell your son is that he will make friends. There are people out there that he can be friends with. He just hasn't met them yet. The challenge really is to meet those people- the best chance is probably through a shared interest, but I know that it can be hard to put yourself in situations where you might be able to meet friends. Do you think there might be a way that he could meet fellow train enthusiasts? I just had a google and there seem to be some train clubs or model train clubs for young people - maybe there is something like that in your area?
What helped me is to have a project/aim to work towards- it helped me focus and feel more productive and it can boost confidence. Though it is a balancing act too as I actually ended up having such a constant need to be productive that I find resting hard. But projects/aims really help- mine were usually academic or related to hiking. It sounds like the Xbox is one thing he loves. Could you maybe get him started on a train related project?
I was told by a therapist a few years ago to keep a diary listing 5 positive things that happened each day- i tried it for a while- it didn't really work for me, but maybe it works for other people.
I'm sorry I don't really have the solution. I hope your son will gain some more self-confidence with time!