Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi, I'm Tommy, over 35 years old and I'm not diagnosed with ASD, but my life from childhood to adulthood has been far from normal. Throughout high school I was in a special needs class, but from there on I was on my own with no support, growing up in a poor neighborhood I used alcohol, etc, to mask my personality flaws. Later in life I developed a fake persona to get by and it worked in a way that I was perceived as a normal dude. However the reality was a dude that had no friends, never been on a date, never driven a car or been abroad and the list goes on. I'm proud of the persona I created because it spared me from bullying and embarrassment, but it's also a curse because it meant avoiding my reality and thus not getting support when I really needed it. There was rumors in the family that I was autistic, but nothing become of them. In my family I'm known as the guy that can fix anything, computers, phones, TVs, etc. I've only ever taken online Autism tests and they've all been positive for ASD. I've always found it hard to follow conversations or laugh at jokes. This makes it hard to socialize, so I avoid social settings where I can be exposed. I did have friends in the past with special needs, but even they were able to move on with their life and develop relationships. I think that's because they received support and sheltered housing, etc. Given my fake persona and that I have no physical characteristics that could hint at a condition, I was not on the radar for support. I fell through the cracks, so to speak. Even now people assume that I must have many girlfriends and have a good job, etc. It's funny how how wrong they are, but I would rather have them believe that than not. It's only recently that got a smart phone. I would love to be the person that people assume I am, but it's my inability to socialize and progress that is a huge barrier. I guess my first step is to try and get over my embarrassment and seek a diagnoses, but it's hard to drop my persona.
Bonjour!
It sounds like a tough time for you. This persona sounds like you mask a lot which must be extremely tiring for you. If possible try to drop that and be yourself. I'm sorry you've been bullied but you should be able to be happy and comfortable with who you are. We all deserve to be ourselves whether people like it or not.
Definitely try and go for the diagnosis. I think if you are diagnosed having the answers will be a huge relief in the end. It was for me :)
I'm not sure if you read it by the way but we're not allowed to have our own profile pics here so you might want to change before any staff see it ;) xx
Bonjour,
Yes, the mask is exhausting. I wear it even when I'm alone because I can pretend that I'm someone else in a better position. I use it to imitate other males. My recent imitation is Pitbull the rapper lol It's the only way I can portray confidence and assertiveness. My reluctance to seek a diagnosis is because I'm afraid of getting no ASD diagnosis, etc, and left to think that I'm just some type of loser. That would be a hard pill to swallow!
The hardest thing for me is explaining to people why I don't do normal activities that normal people do. I don't have an answer and it's embarrassing when they ask such questions. That's when I get exposed. If people knew that I had a diagnoses, then that would take off some of the pressure for sure.
Thanks for the advice!