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Hello all

SonicBoomBoy

Hi,
Just signed up here so as to be able to see how other people are coping and to hopefully get some pointers/advice on our own situation (though I doubt anyone can help).

We have three kids, 2 year old daughter, 4 year old son (soon to be 5 who has already been diagnosed with Autism (mild/mederate) and we already have him "statemented"), and our 6 year old daughter.

Just curious really to see how bad other's autistic children are.....

I personally am finding it very difficult to accept that I have a son with autism.....even though he was diagmosed 2 years + ago. 

He is in his own world, totally blanks me, doesn't comminicate, doesn't talk, doesn't give eye contact........this list is endless.

Anyway....that's how it is ......(I am very bitter!)

  • I'm so sorry to hear how you feel and I am wondering what support you have been offered as a family? 

    I think all the above points are valid. My son is much older than yours but every so often I feel the grief again. That's a normal reaction and you mustn't feel it is shameful to feel sadness, but to get stuck feeling that way is not healthy for you or you family and that you have posted this shows a willingness to change.

    My son felt alien to me for a while and I struggled to connect with him. Bonding with our children is a natural desire. If your son struggles with verbal communication then I really recommend you ask, no demand!, that can you have Speech and Language Therapy. Portage is also excellent-they come to your home and you can learn how to play effectively together. They can teach you how to communicate non-verbally because it sounds to me as if your son is shutting down because language is so difficult for him. We did the Hanen programme because our son was non-verbal, it was unbelievable the progress we made because of it. I thought my son would be locked in his own world but all I wanted was to communicate with him and now we can.

    While you wait to see what support you can access I can offer waht worked for us -

    Choose a time that is relaxed, get down on the floor with your son when he is playing and quietly join in with him. Don't use any language, don't expect eye-contact, don't be intrusive. If he is pushing a toy car along then get your own car and push it along, make engine noises etc. Over time your son will start to direct the play, maybe he'll crash his toy in to yours. Watch for any sign that he is interacting with you and let him lead you. His behaviour is for a reason - because he is overwhelmed by sensory issues or cannot make sense of the world around him. Let the play be light-hearted and he will learn that you like to be with him. Let him set the pace. It's about him learning to be with you and being comfortable together. Try to make time for this every day because it shows him you value your time together.

    There are many books about playing with ASD kids - one of the best is "Playing,Laughing and Learning with Children on the Autistic Spectrum" by Julia Moor. Play is vital for development. Your son may never have language but if he can communicate his needs and you feel you understand him better then that is the basics of good communication.

    Finally, I'd really consider getting some support for yourself for how you are feeling. Tell your GP, tell your friend, tell someone and let people help you. I say this because my family broke down due to my children's father struggling to accept his son's autism. Your son needs you, make no mistake. He cannot tell you how much he needs you but he needs you to understand him and be what he needs, and that may not be what you hoped or expected. Our role, as parents, is to love unconditionally. That is a real privilege and I think you know that otherwise you wouldn't be trying to get advice. I applaud your bravery in admitting your despair and, yes, there are people that can help. You are not the only one that has ever felt this way and we are still here, years later, surviving and at times happy. Good luck!

     

  •  hi - welcome to the site - lots of info via the posts + home pg so please have a look

    I'm sorry to hear you're bitter - that won't get you anywhere - sorry I know that's blunt, but it's a fact.  You're child has turned out not to be the 1 you expected.  Your child has autism + needs your understanding + support, as do the rest of your family.  You can be bitter for ever but what's the use of that?  Your child is the same person he always was - he hasn't changed.  You are grieving for someone who never existed, except in your dreams.  Yes, I know too blunt, but also true.  Many of us here have felt emotional about the diagnosis + have taken time to adjust.  But adjust you must, because there's nothing else you can do apart from remaining bitter.  2.5 yrs is a long time to be that way.  Your son needs you to understand how autism affects him as an individual.  By understanding that you can help him + be the dad he needs.  If you're trying to treat him like a non-autistic child then you're on a hiding to nothing (sorry yet again).  Please try to move away from the mind-set you're in - it doesn't do anyone any good at all, inc yourself.