Hello

I'm 51 this year and realised this year I have autism. It stumbled on it accidently, after discovery that I was probably Aromantic around Pride time last year. Not sure what the connection is here if any. Something about masking came up and hit me like a brick. I'm reluctant to get tested as I'm sort of certain, but I don't want to go through a diagnosis as they might say I'm wrong, and I'll have to believe them as they're doctors, and all of this stress and anger and sadness will be for nothing.

I have no friends as it never works out as they expect to much, or don't get what they want and get nasty. I feel like being nice to them, and giving them gifts would be enough, but it never is. Relationships just feel stupid to me.  However, it still feels wrong being isolated, but it works. I like working from home, but since 2020 I've fallen apart. All of my strategies are gone.   I have nothing to hold onto and I'm so good at following orders, I don't know what do do for myself in the house.  I "pass" really well, but it's so draining I avoid it out of work hours.

I'm still in the resentful phase. I'm listening to "Odd Girl Out" by Laura James. Apart from her having a family, it describes me so accurately that it hurts. I'm reluctant to join this community as friendships scare me.  I don't really use social media as I don't have much to say, and people talk too much about nothing. But I think I want to discuss this.

I know I WILL mask.  I've been doing it for ever so I can't help it.  I have to shake it off to talk, really talk to people about it.  It's all so confusing. I've been treated for depression and have had bulimia for almost 30 years.

That being said, hello. Sorry for the ramble.  I don't talk as myself much.