Hello

Thank you so much. I think I'd like a home eventually!

Welcome to the forum  I think it's a good thing that you have come to the community. I think you will meet a lot of like minded people here and get a lot of helpful advice. I hope in time you will feel like you made the right decision in coming here. Welcome home.

I'm so glad to hear it.

Thanks Clare.

My assessor was an incredibly kind and understanding lady.

That reflects my experience, too. 

One of the best comments here, what you've said above. Some of the interview questions are uncomfortable but necessary if a confirmed diagnosis is desired. Turned out I had elements of PTSD (which could be pinpointed to certain life events) and obsessive compulsive disorder on on top of the Asperger's, so for them it was quite a clear cut diagnosis. Like you said above, some of the questions were difficult to answer as they simply didn't compute in my head - and we were able to address this during the interview stage. My assessor was an incredibly kind and understanding lady.

I got 169 on the online RAADS-R, but I don't think I got/understood the questions. Some of the questions were really specific. I think I need to go through the notes on the test.

Yes, but what you have to bear in mind is that professional assessors have seen it all, including people who struggle to answer some of the questions, don't understand them, or even those who answer dishonestly, or are fooling themselves.  I can't remember the number of questions I answered across the various written tests and interviews but it must be up into four figures I would guess. The thing is, if you enter into it determined to answer correctly, as far as you possibly can, it will (I believe) work, even if some of those answers are non-conforming or outliers.  It's not a straight tick box, there's a layer of psychiatric analysis on top of it. None of this is easy and for me, some of the personal interview questions were horrendous, forcing me to put into words things which I really didn't want to.  But I'd researched the hell out of it, and the Consultant Psychiatrist leading my diagnosis. I trusted the system.  I knew that I wanted a truthful answer, even if the answer was unwelcome.  I told him about some questions I'd been uncertain about, btw, and he did seek clarity on those and some other issues.  No idea how much that weighed, in the end.   

Thanks so much.   I understand a diagnoses makes more sense.  I'm getting NHS therapy at the moment.  I think I might ask them about it.  

When you did the test, did you find that some of the questions didn't make sense?  I don't think I've ever understood anxiety and I now think I present it as anger or annoyance. I feel I need to explain myself a lot. Do you get help with the test?

That's a brave, and honest, post.  Lots of respect for that. 

I support what others have said here, having a diagnosis is always best.   You feel different, and clearly there is something that needs identifying, but it may be that you have one or more of any number of different conditions, some of which 'present' in a similar way to autism.  Or, you may have autism, plus other things.  It's best to know, with as much precision as possible, because you'll look after yourself, and seek help from others, more effectively, if you know what it is that makes you different.

I had a diagnosis last year (I'm about a decade older than you) and actually, unlike others, I can't really say I felt "better" for it (I was pretty shocked), but I am glad I had it done. Once I got my head around it, I've been able to approach the whole thing from a more informed base.  I read peer-refereed papers, conference papers, etc and I feel that I'm already navigating my life in a different way, beneficially so.

You are clearly questioning, and you're clearly on a bit of journey (same here).  I wish you all the best with that and if you feel able to post again in due course about the progress you're making that would probably be helpful to others.

Thanks Martin!

I don't think that people in this discussion have pointed out that you can take the AQ10, AQ50 and RAADS-R tests for autism online. If you were to take them online and your scores are within the autistic range, the results would form effective leverage with your GP to get them onside for referral. The AQ tests seem to be preferred by clinicians, but I like the RAADS-R better, as there is a specific score - 65 - at and above which it predicts autism (I scored 167, so I would seem to be definitely autistic!).

You can only try. The tests originated in Cambridge so you could try reaching out to them directly and explain your GP won't refer you or provide the AQ10 tests. Best of luck.

Thanks Clare.  I didn't know you could do this without a GP.  It's hard change how I behave in from of people who only seen me one way for years.  I'll never look "sick" enough for them.   I'll look into that.

The process with adults through NELFT at the moment is 3 years between referral and diagnosis due to a shortage of qualified diagnosticians. I was rushed through in 1 year as I'd expressed concern for my job security and ability to pay my mortgage if I wasn't able to explain the complexities of my ASD challenges without a formal diagnosis. As it turns out, my employer has been very understanding and accommodating with the official diagnosis. There are other people in my team the same. I'm also now able to work from home permanently. Although the process may be daunting, and lengthy, it is worth it in the end.

Yes it makes absolute sense - don't worry! Change is change. It's difficult and you don't want to upset the balance of what you're used to. I wonder if it would help you if you reached out to NELFT direct - they are the ones who helped me. I was embarrassed about asking for the AQ10 test from my GP to star with, but although slow, the service from NELFT was very unbiased and non-judgmental and I felt seen, understood and believed.

Thanks Paul. I'm going to look these up.

I sort of agree with you there.  I have a job that I can do, but I am good at part of it, and some things I can't handle very well.  I think My GP surgery thing I want  diagnosis for some sort of financial benefit, so they "award" you with a diagnosis only if your condition is severe.  Otherwise you don't need it. I have a job, can get dressed, and look presentable so what am I complaining about!! They ain't see my inside though, or how hard I have worked to get here.  The though of having to fight for or demand to have autism scares, drains and infuriates me all at the same time.

There are quite a few cheap and quick to read books on Autism that might help you decide if you are and which will, hopefully, give you some insight into what you are feeling and why.

Helping You to Identify and Understand Autism Masking: The Truth Behind the Mask by Emma Kendal

I Think I Might Be Autistic: A Guide to Autism Spectrum Disorder Diagnosis and Self-Discovery for Adults by Cynthia Kim

Autism in Adults (Overcoming Common Problems) by Luke Beardon

'I Think I Might Be Autistic' gave me confidence that I am and showed me that the way I act and deal with things is ASD

Thanks Clare.

I consider going to a new GP, but even though it sounds horrible, I'm reluctant to change my GP.  It's part of my normal and easy.  I take anti-depressants which outside of reducing my rage levels, don't really change much.  But I've been on them for over 20 years, and it all feels simple.  I thing I'm scared of changing this to somethin difficult.  I just don't understand things anymore as my lie was very efficient and that efficiency is comfortable, even if it's wrong. Does that make any sense to you?

I've struggled with imposter syndrome for a while too. But even at 50, you still have so long on your journey left. I know that can be daunting but it can also be exciting! You have so long to live a life on your terms still and not just on the terms of a neurotypical society.

Take some time to learn who you are, what makes you overwhelmed or overstimulated, and also what you love to do. The more we do that, the more we feel like ourselves and maybe that imposter syndrome will decrease over time.