Published on 12, July, 2020
I'm 51 this year and realised this year I have autism. It stumbled on it accidently, after discovery that I was probably Aromantic around Pride time last year. Not sure what the connection is here if any. Something about masking came up and hit me like a brick. I'm reluctant to get tested as I'm sort of certain, but I don't want to go through a diagnosis as they might say I'm wrong, and I'll have to believe them as they're doctors, and all of this stress and anger and sadness will be for nothing.
I have no friends as it never works out as they expect to much, or don't get what they want and get nasty. I feel like being nice to them, and giving them gifts would be enough, but it never is. Relationships just feel stupid to me. However, it still feels wrong being isolated, but it works. I like working from home, but since 2020 I've fallen apart. All of my strategies are gone. I have nothing to hold onto and I'm so good at following orders, I don't know what do do for myself in the house. I "pass" really well, but it's so draining I avoid it out of work hours.
I'm still in the resentful phase. I'm listening to "Odd Girl Out" by Laura James. Apart from her having a family, it describes me so accurately that it hurts. I'm reluctant to join this community as friendships scare me. I don't really use social media as I don't have much to say, and people talk too much about nothing. But I think I want to discuss this.
I know I WILL mask. I've been doing it for ever so I can't help it. I have to shake it off to talk, really talk to people about it. It's all so confusing. I've been treated for depression and have had bulimia for almost 30 years.
That being said, hello. Sorry for the ramble. I don't talk as myself much.
That's a brave, and honest, post. Lots of respect for that.
I support what others have said here, having a diagnosis is always best. You feel different, and clearly there is something that needs identifying, but it may be that you have one or more of any number of different conditions, some of which 'present' in a similar way to autism. Or, you may have autism, plus other things. It's best to know, with as much precision as possible, because you'll look after yourself, and seek help from others, more effectively, if you know what it is that makes you different.
I had a diagnosis last year (I'm about a decade older than you) and actually, unlike others, I can't really say I felt "better" for it (I was pretty shocked), but I am glad I had it done. Once I got my head around it, I've been able to approach the whole thing from a more informed base. I read peer-refereed papers, conference papers, etc and I feel that I'm already navigating my life in a different way, beneficially so.
You are clearly questioning, and you're clearly on a bit of journey (same here). I wish you all the best with that and if you feel able to post again in due course about the progress you're making that would probably be helpful to others.
Thanks so much. I understand a diagnoses makes more sense. I'm getting NHS therapy at the moment. I think I might ask them about it.
When you did the test, did you find that some of the questions didn't make sense? I don't think I've ever understood anxiety and I now think I present it as anger or annoyance. I feel I need to explain myself a lot. Do you get help with the test?