Published on 12, July, 2020
I'm 51 this year and realised this year I have autism. It stumbled on it accidently, after discovery that I was probably Aromantic around Pride time last year. Not sure what the connection is here if any. Something about masking came up and hit me like a brick. I'm reluctant to get tested as I'm sort of certain, but I don't want to go through a diagnosis as they might say I'm wrong, and I'll have to believe them as they're doctors, and all of this stress and anger and sadness will be for nothing.
I have no friends as it never works out as they expect to much, or don't get what they want and get nasty. I feel like being nice to them, and giving them gifts would be enough, but it never is. Relationships just feel stupid to me. However, it still feels wrong being isolated, but it works. I like working from home, but since 2020 I've fallen apart. All of my strategies are gone. I have nothing to hold onto and I'm so good at following orders, I don't know what do do for myself in the house. I "pass" really well, but it's so draining I avoid it out of work hours.
I'm still in the resentful phase. I'm listening to "Odd Girl Out" by Laura James. Apart from her having a family, it describes me so accurately that it hurts. I'm reluctant to join this community as friendships scare me. I don't really use social media as I don't have much to say, and people talk too much about nothing. But I think I want to discuss this.
I know I WILL mask. I've been doing it for ever so I can't help it. I have to shake it off to talk, really talk to people about it. It's all so confusing. I've been treated for depression and have had bulimia for almost 30 years.
That being said, hello. Sorry for the ramble. I don't talk as myself much.
Thank you for sharing your experience! I feel the same, I've recently discovered that I'm on the spectrum and I'm petrified of going to the GP and not being believed. Like you, I know I mask in front of people that I don't know in order to appear neurotypical so I'm worried about 'not seeming autistic enough' to be taken seriously.
I know it's all very scary and exhausting but talking about it as much as you wish on here does help. Unfortunately, I've been turned away from GPs in terms of mental health before so I'm reluctant to go back to them with ASC.
I understand what I'm about to say may not give you any relief from what you feel but patience is absolutely key. Whether we go to the GPs again or not, we have to live with who we are and what we have and try to make sense of a world that isn't necessarily built for us. But we, as a community, are here for you as much as you need us.
Take care!
Thanks Liam.
I can't help thinking, "how can I have such a long way to go at 50?" I'll try and keep up the talking about it, but but even though I feel I am on the spectrum, the imposter syndrome is huge.
I've struggled with imposter syndrome for a while too. But even at 50, you still have so long on your journey left. I know that can be daunting but it can also be exciting! You have so long to live a life on your terms still and not just on the terms of a neurotypical society.
Take some time to learn who you are, what makes you overwhelmed or overstimulated, and also what you love to do. The more we do that, the more we feel like ourselves and maybe that imposter syndrome will decrease over time.