Published on 12, July, 2020
I'm 51 this year and realised this year I have autism. It stumbled on it accidently, after discovery that I was probably Aromantic around Pride time last year. Not sure what the connection is here if any. Something about masking came up and hit me like a brick. I'm reluctant to get tested as I'm sort of certain, but I don't want to go through a diagnosis as they might say I'm wrong, and I'll have to believe them as they're doctors, and all of this stress and anger and sadness will be for nothing.
I have no friends as it never works out as they expect to much, or don't get what they want and get nasty. I feel like being nice to them, and giving them gifts would be enough, but it never is. Relationships just feel stupid to me. However, it still feels wrong being isolated, but it works. I like working from home, but since 2020 I've fallen apart. All of my strategies are gone. I have nothing to hold onto and I'm so good at following orders, I don't know what do do for myself in the house. I "pass" really well, but it's so draining I avoid it out of work hours.
I'm still in the resentful phase. I'm listening to "Odd Girl Out" by Laura James. Apart from her having a family, it describes me so accurately that it hurts. I'm reluctant to join this community as friendships scare me. I don't really use social media as I don't have much to say, and people talk too much about nothing. But I think I want to discuss this.
I know I WILL mask. I've been doing it for ever so I can't help it. I have to shake it off to talk, really talk to people about it. It's all so confusing. I've been treated for depression and have had bulimia for almost 30 years.
That being said, hello. Sorry for the ramble. I don't talk as myself much.
The more I read about the diagnostic process the more it puts me off wanting to go through it and the less point or use I see it will be. There seems to be such prejudice and ignorance at all levels whether NHS or private. I suppose the goal for some is to get support from social services which you might not get if you don't have a diagnosis.
It's such a pity that it is a complete random chance that you will get a helpful/sympathetic clinician.
The process with adults through NELFT at the moment is 3 years between referral and diagnosis due to a shortage of qualified diagnosticians. I was rushed through in 1 year as I'd expressed concern for my job security and ability to pay my mortgage if I wasn't able to explain the complexities of my ASD challenges without a formal diagnosis. As it turns out, my employer has been very understanding and accommodating with the official diagnosis. There are other people in my team the same. I'm also now able to work from home permanently. Although the process may be daunting, and lengthy, it is worth it in the end.
I sort of agree with you there. I have a job that I can do, but I am good at part of it, and some things I can't handle very well. I think My GP surgery thing I want diagnosis for some sort of financial benefit, so they "award" you with a diagnosis only if your condition is severe. Otherwise you don't need it. I have a job, can get dressed, and look presentable so what am I complaining about!! They ain't see my inside though, or how hard I have worked to get here. The though of having to fight for or demand to have autism scares, drains and infuriates me all at the same time.