Published on 12, July, 2020
I am a married woman with Aspergers and I will use NT in this post even though I dislike that label but it is convenient..I have never posted before and this is long so don't feel obliged to read on. I feel Aspergers partners are always classed as something NTs have to 'suffer' and this is wrong.
I am always calm and rational. I find my NT partner gets easily hyped up, stressed, impatient, worried, irritable and irrational. I find him hard work a lot of the time. I am not confused by him. I am also not cold or lacking in empathy. I have a PhD in science but also work as a therapist and enjoy painting and playing several instruments. I adore my children and am physically and verbally affectionate with my children and husband,. My husband and I deeply love each other. But I don't fit the stereotype of someone with Asoergers as being easily upset and inflexible. I have had to teach myself how to respond appropriately verbally and gesturally. I almost never get anxious and I genuinely don't feel awe or impressed by much so never get intimidated by other people. My husband gets frustrated that he can tell me about something he finds impressive and I respond with 'that's nice but why is it impressive?'. I am not arrogant, I know everyone can do things I can't or they have talents I don't. I just don't relate to anyone or belong anywhere. I know how to be sociable and 'work's the room but feel it's a job (one I enjoy but I am very tired and glad to go home like a satisfying but exhausting day at work).
I am very honest and direct and I don't get embarrassed so can be uninhibited but I know how to be polite and I know when to be inhibited as I know what NTs find embarrassing..I also have a witty sense of humour and am fun loving. I am not a sstereotype.i know NTs find my humour and lack of inhibition entertaining andi sometimes play on that to make friends laugh but I am aware.
I follow buddhism and meditate each day. Reading the Buddhist texts gives me a sense of connection I dont feel anywhere else. I feel like an alien. But I am saddened that Aspergers is always seen as the problem in relationships. Personally I find NT individuals generally emotionally chaotic and reactive and I am frequently having to step back, 'rise above it's. Not to sound patronising to NTs but when I watch the news it's like the whole world is irrational and narcissistic.
So when all these NTs find living with Aspergers is difficult and I find nothing but negativity on Google, this leaves me feeling extremely misunderstood and isolated. I feel Aspegers has made me gifted and clear thinking. My friends say I am the calmest person they know. I am stubborn and if I'm working on something can put off eating and sleeping until it's done. I am also controlling about order and germs and about how things should be done. But I am politically liberal, open minded and tolerant. I am not perfect but I'm not something that needs fixing.
Aspergers is misrepresented in articles.on couples where one person has Asoergers. I think I am a catch as much as my husband is. I am not grateful somebody is 'putting up' with me. I am mostly a good person and loving partner.. I am grateful I met my lovely husband because he is lovely but we are equals.
'Different, not less', is the usual mantra.
If any of my friends an acquaintances were asked, they would probably say that I am one of the calmest people they know. Only my family and very closest friends know that I sometimes suffer from crippling anxiety. Like you, I have a science PhD, and I spent 34 years in biomedical research. I was a very good bench scientist, my autism helped, I was able to hyper-focus, employ lateral thinking to solve problems and had an eye for details others missed. However, my autism also limited me, I had the intellect to become a professor, but my social limitations, and the lack of confidence I had as a result, meant that I remained a bench scientist throughout my career. Autism gives and takes away, autistic people live lives that are limited by their neurology, but this can be to a greater or lesser extent.
I have been married for 25 years and have two children. I think that, on the whole, I am a good partner and parent. I am caring, stable, loyal and generous by nature. I do not think that my family have been burdened by me in any meaningful way. However, they may have had a more intensely sociable life, if not for my need for solitude in order to recover from the exhaustion that social interactions at work brought on.
I find I have no need for any organised spiritual system. I have a deep distrust of them and the intolerance they so often induce. They have inflicted needless strife, wars, suffering, death and destruction on humanity for millennia.