Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi, my name is Dua. I'm 25 and have Autism. I also suffer really badly from anxiety and depression. Growing up was difficult. I had no friends and was bullied at school, verbally and physically. The girls literally used to throw me on the ground and punch me. I struggled with the school work but the teachers never helped me so my grades were very poor which my family never understood despite me trying to tell them. I thought things might get better after school but they got even worse. I'm 25 now and my life is just a mess. I have severe anxiety. I can't talk to anyone and I can't go out, I'm just too scared. Sometimes I can't even talk to my parents. I just lock myself in my room all day. With the anxiety I get a lot of bad side effects. I feel sick all the time, all day. I have heartburn and acid reflux all the time. I have indigestion all the time. I feel dizzy all the time. I'm always hot and sweaty. And I'm in pain all over all the time. It's never ending and it makes me even more anxious and I feel very depressed. A lot of the time I just want to end everything. My life is rubbish and I'm worthless. I can't work. All I am is anxious and I'm absolutely sick of it. I spend all day with no energy feeling sick and like rubbish. It's constant and only seems to be getting worse. I've been like this for months and with each day that passes I feel worse.
I hate my life and I'm really struggling now. I don't know what to do.
I help feel better
U can talk to me i make feel better if can
Hi Dua, I'm really sorry to hear you feel like that - I can really relate. I'm struggling with my diagnoses. Coming here though makes me realise that I'm not the only person who feels anxious, worthless, a failure, suicidal. You're not alone and sharing how you feel is helping me for one, so you're also far from worthless.
Hi miaxx, recommendations are welcome. If you’ve found that those free services are helpful, feel free to share. Anna Mod
I think that because of your past trauma, you view the world as a hostile place, and that makes you feel very scared of going out, because you're afraid that people are just going to verbally and physically assault you, and you cannot defend yourself if they do.
Just thinking about going out is triggering you into a panic attack, plus you probably feel overwhelmed about not being able to go out like other people do, and the whole adulthood and the pressure to be independent is hard for you to handle, but most people haven't experienced the level of trauma that you've been through, so they feel a level of safety when going out, but you don't have that feeling of safety and assurance, so it scares you to go out.
I've been bullied as well, but the difference was that I lived in the same house with the school bully, and I was afraid to leave my house, but I was also terrified about being in that house, but I had to go home and see them every day, so I had to endure every bad reaction they had towards everything. I was controlled through fear and punishment. I never thought I'd make it in the world. I was told terrible things like I was worthless and that I had no value in life. I had anxiety and depression as well.
However, that's not to put down your trauma, because being bullied and beaten by many people at a young age would be equally terrifying for me too. And it was wrong of them to do. If they ever known their actions would lead to you having panic attacks so severe that you can't even leave the house in adulthood, I think they'd feel very guilty and bad about what they've done for the rest of their lives.
There's a whole lot of things you can do, and you've taken the first one, is that you've opened up to people to ask for their help, and that's a very terrifying thing to do. I used to just delete everything I wrote, because I was afraid that people would just put me down for it. But people online have been better than I thought they would be, that I slowly realized that the world is less of a hostile place than I imagined, which made some pf my fear decrease about people in general.
Also, to overcome fear, try putting your fear as a question. Are people out there will treat me as bad as I think they will? Putting things into questions takes them out of the fixed loop of "things will always have the same outcome," and puts it into the realm of curiosity, that similar situations can have different outcomes, which leads to more experiences and personal growth.
Also there will be situations that occur in your life that are similar to something bad you've experienced in the past, and you might be triggered and automatically think that it will result in the same outcome. But instead, try to change one thing about it, in order to see if the outcome is different, as if it's an experiment to see all the alternative outcomes, so you're not locked into just one outcome anymore. For instance, if someone tries to overpower you (put you down, make you feel miserable), try to look them in the eyes and look angry, even if you think that nothing you do will work on them, and you're terrified on the inside, try it out anyways.
And to overcome fear, you don't have to get rid of all your fears before you overcome it, like you have to be fear-less and have no emotion. I mean I would tremble, shake, start sweating, feel a panicked to my core, but on the outside I tried to keep my composure, and I would try to do the things I was deeply afraid of, and I knew I will not like the process, but I also knew the type of life I would have if I stayed the way I was (locked up in my room), and so I had to learn social skills like being assertive, and setting boundaries, and attempt to incorporate them in life, even though these were things that I was lacking from having the type of life and upbringing that I had, but I was still alive and still breathing, so I could make changes that were good me. And I told my childhood self that "you've been through a lot, and I'm not going to let you down." You owe it to yourself to have your power back, and do what you want to do in life.
Maybe focus on something u like or enjoy doing or maybe ring a friend or text
Hi Dua, I am so sorry you are feeling like this. I have had times in my life like this, I still do, but I promise you it can get better. You may always suffer with anxiety on some level but there are techniques and stratagies to help cope with it. Have you tried Talking Therapies? it is not autism specific but they can help autistic people. I have a coach specifically for anxiety who teaches me techniques to cope with anxiety and panic. It is quite helpful
Take each day at a time. Dont think to far ahead, just try to get through that day. Everyone here is here for you, you are not alone. We have all felt like this so we understand. Those links Mia posted are really helpful.
You have found a community you can be yourself and talk about anything. Keep going, it does get better even if it might not feel like it right now
My heart goes out to you. People let us down, use us and abuse us. We give our power to them. Take your power back.
What are you interested in doing? Hobbies are important.
Hi Dua, I can relate completely! I second what Miaxx said about talking to your doctor about everything as well as the physical symptoms your experiencing. It can feel so endless sometimes but please know you are NOT alone. Miaxx has posted great links below also I want to put the Samaritans number (they helped me through some really difficult times) 116123 (free phone)
Things will get better! You got this!
Hiya. I hope you're feeling okay.
Have you tried these sites?
Mental Health Help UK
Free, 24/7 mental health text support in the UK | Shout 85258 (giveusashout.org)
Need urgent help | Mind, the mental health charity - help for mental health problems
Guides to support and services | Mind, the mental health charity - help for mental health problems
(Admin - hope these links are okay to post?)
Have you spoken to your doctor?