And so, I find myself...

Hi All,

I'm generally not one to participate in forums or social media and have never been very good at introducing myself. But here goes..

After being on a waiting list a tad under 3 years, I finally received my ASD/ASC diagnosis in May this year, at the age of 49.

I have spent much of my life trying to go against the grain, sometimes successfully, sometimes not. But I never felt right about how society structures itself, rather, I never really understood it.

I have been fortunate enough to have made my way in the creative arts, albeit at a relatively low level, and out on the fringes. But it allowed me to construct and control an environment that suited my ways/needs. Having said that, I didn't always make the best of it, and I often used my self built territory as a way to distance myself from people, or to treat them harshly. It was a form of filter, a way to limit my interactions with people.

It worked to an extent, but as time went on, it became harder. I became more distant, more frustrated, more irritable, I'd backed myself into a corner and I couldn't see a way out. I desperately wanted more connection with people but I couldn't help but pull myself further away.

Then burnout.

To cut a long and potentially meandering story short, it all led me down a path of seeking assessment, the result of which has been a revelation.

It immediately helped me shift my frustrations and stresses, put previous behaviours and choices into perspective, and finally help me see that maybe I can finally begin to see life in a more relaxed and joyful way. There are still many unanswered questions. How much of me is just personality, alexithymia, how much is informed by ASD, how much by life events, and how much by as yet to be diagnosed ADHD?

I find it all fascinating... the analytical mind, hahah.

But I am happier, kinder to myself, and hopefully kinder to others.

Anyway, I don't really enjoy writing, it's too hard for me to put my ideas into words. I much prefer blurting it out in person and seeing what makes sense Slight smile

I've never really felt part of any group or community, mostly being a loner, but I do enjoy interaction. 

I've been told that it is useful to connect with people and share our experiences with others. I just don't really know how to do that beyond one to one interactions with those I see on a daily basis.

So here I am...

I'm not a robot.

Or am I? Smiley

  • Hi Tassimo

    Thanks for the welcome Slight smile

    I've been sign-posted stuff, but it all seems a little opaque it terms of what's on offer, or I don't feel it relates to me, as I've managed perfectly well (well, adequately) thus far. I'm also cautious of how polarised the 'autistic community' seems to be, so I don't really know how to approach things...

    I suppose part of my difficulty is I've navigated life on many of my own terms, having distanced myself from mainstream work/society (self employed for most of my career). That means my social interactions have been somewhat limited, and I've been ok with the idea that I'm a bit of an outsider, or a bit weird. In fact, that has been an attribute that has given me success in my work.

    As a consequence of that I have never been in a situation where someone has suggested that I might need help with something (until someone suggested I was autistic). I have been moody, difficult, and unfriendly at times, but people just knew me as me, and they tolerated me, or they didn't.

    Having rationalized my way around how I think and feel, as I have a very limited grasp on my own emotional state and apparently quite poor theory of mind, it never occured to me to seek any help. My frustration and confusion led me to be somewhat combative in nature, and I felt it wasn't me, but it was everyone else that had the problem.

    I only registered with a GP to seek diagnosis. 

    I've never been diagnosed, nor misdiagnosed, with anything, and have never had any form of counselling or therapy, apart from the inevitable self medication over the years.

    The whole point-of-access for support (if I even need support) is like a foreign language to me.

    I don't even know where to start.

    All I've done up to now is publicly disclose my diagnosis, which has made my relationship with clients and colleagues easier for me to handle. This has also resulted in more people disclosing their own conditions. That in itself is helping my understand and connect with people a bit better.

    Sorry, I tend to go off on a ramble...

    But basically, no. I am not receiving any post-diagnostic support, apart from my partner and a few colleagues.

    cheers.

  • Hi Exist. Android or Human, you are welcome to contribute to this forum. Congratulations on your diagnosis. I'm the same age as you and received my diagnosis recently too after a pretty substantial wait and many years of misdiagnosis and treatment for a whole menu of anxiety disorders and depressive conditions. Are you receiving any post-diagnostic support? I have a weekly one-to-one session with an autism specialist, and will be starting group sessions in October. These one-to-one sessions are very useful to me, allowing the opportunity to grieve for the death of my fake self and to introduce me gently to my authentic autistic self.