Support thread for those of us with partners/spouses with ASC-all welcome

Hi,

I recently started writing stories to hopefully compile into a book.  My therapist is encouraging.  There are several themes, one being that my mother, by all means determinable, was an Aspie, and now I am married to one. 

I'm writing because I feel quite hurt by my Aspie husband.  I thought I was doing a good job of stating my needs when I requested that if he happens to be cooking something I might eat on a Sunday (I work weekends), could he please shoot off an notice email.  If there is nothing in the frig when I leave for work, then it would save me the expense of buying dinner and it would be "homey" and nice to eat with him when I return from work.  He often cooks on Sundays.

The request went haywire in my view.  He explained that it made him angry, and since he is working on his anger issues, he provided great detail on how, since he prides himself on doing things well, he would feel responsible to shop etc. to feed me.  He basically turned down my request no matter how much I explained how simple it was, or that I was not trying to burden him at all.

The rejection coupled with his response to my letting him know that I had been slightly under the weather:  "You are always tired and sick" hurt my feelings immensely.

I did get angry when he didn't seem to care that I'd been feeling ill. I had 2 major surgeries last year.  It has been a struggle to get back into the work force.  I also have hired health coaches to help me regain strength. He has picked apart a lot of their guidance to the point where I no longer share with him.  I do have short bouts with viruses.  I think he said that because, on some level, he must realize he is a lot to deal with????  It's easier to project than acknowledge.

I feel quite distanced from him, now.  It's unfortunate.  I say to myself, "Well, he is an obsessive Aspie, I have to make allowances."  However, it doesn't feel good that I was trying hard to fill my needs and the topic became about him, and my request was denied.

He does fulfill a lot in other ways of our marriage.  But, when it comes to intimate requests or caring about me when I'm down etc., he can leave a lot to be desired.

Of course, given I'm spending hours writing about my Aspie mom, his behavior triggers my past.  I feel very alone.  It's frustrating to work hard to ask for one's needs (something I couldn't do as a child) and be denied.

Support appreciated.

Artsy

Hi,

I recently started writing stories to hopefully compile into a book.  My therapist is encouraging.  There are several themes, one being that my mother, by all means determinable, was an Aspie, and now I am married to one. 

I'm writing because I feel quite hurt by my Aspie husband.  I thought I was doing a good job of stating my needs when I requested that if he happens to be cooking something I might eat on a Sunday (I work weekends), could he please shoot off an notice email.  If there is nothing in the frig when I leave for work, then it would save me the expense of buying dinner and it would be "homey" and nice to eat with him when I return from work.  He often cooks on Sundays.

The request went haywire in my view.  He explained that it made him angry, and since he is working on his anger issues, he provided great detail on how, since he prides himself on doing things well, he would feel responsible to shop etc. to feed me.  He basically turned down my request no matter how much I explained how simple it was, or that I was not trying to burden him at all.

The rejection coupled with his response to my letting him know that I had been slightly under the weather:  "You are always tired and sick" hurt my feelings immensely.

I did get angry when he didn't seem to care that I'd been feeling ill. I had 2 major surgeries last year.  It has been a struggle to get back into the work force.  I also have hired health coaches to help me regain strength. He has picked apart a lot of their guidance to the point where I no longer share with him.  I do have short bouts with viruses.  I think he said that because, on some level, he must realize he is a lot to deal with????  It's easier to project than acknowledge.

I feel quite distanced from him, now.  It's unfortunate.  I say to myself, "Well, he is an obsessive Aspie, I have to make allowances."  However, it doesn't feel good that I was trying hard to fill my needs and the topic became about him, and my request was denied.

He does fulfill a lot in other ways of our marriage.  But, when it comes to intimate requests or caring about me when I'm down etc., he can leave a lot to be desired.

Of course, given I'm spending hours writing about my Aspie mom, his behavior triggers my past.  I feel very alone.  It's frustrating to work hard to ask for one's needs (something I couldn't do as a child) and be denied.

Support appreciated.

Artsy