Published on 12, July, 2020
I hate introductions. Or more precisely I dislike having to describe myself. My sense of self is not strong. Hello NAS forum. I have lurked for a few days, but making an effort to join in because I need to start understanding myself through the lens of autism. I was diagnosed (in my mid-thirties) in 2020 after a very long journey through various assessments to find an explanation for cognitive and social issues I had been having. I don't know (or don't know that I know) any autistic people, and I think I need to have contact with the like-minded.I am still not 100% comfortable regarding myself as autistic. This isn't an issue with stigma, but instead because I am not always sure I fit the profile. I have a variety of issues, some of which are explained readily by autism, but in other instances I seem very atypical. I worry that when I access resources, or tap into support for autism, that I will take resources from people who need it more. Or perhaps, if such a thing could exist, have imposter syndrome surrounding being autistic. A lot of this stems from the key issue that affects me day-to-day; my memory. I have information recall problems, and was first diagnosed and then undiagnosed with ADHD (long story) in a search to figure out that particular issue with my brain. So far, the lens of autism has not given me insight into this issue, but it hasn't been long since my diagnosis so we'll see.Here's a non-exhaustive list of hobbies/interests of mine:Star Trek, Stargate, and science fiction in general. Games of all sorts: Video Games, Board Games, Megagames, Tabletop Roleplaying Games (I am also a fan of Critical Role), and miniatures/models. Art (particularly related to games of all sorts) including 3D sculpting (ZBrush) and illustration. And some other things about me:I'm a gay cisgendered man (pronouns he/him), currently in a long term relationship, in my mid thirties, and I work as a Product Designer in web software (until two years ago before which I was a QA Engineer).
Forming habits is hard for me, and when I've signed up to forums in the past it hasn't lasted, but I will make special effort here. I hope to be able to stay around long enough to contribute more than I receive.If you got this far, thanks for reading.
Welcome.As others have said the "S" in ASC is for spectrum, and don't forget you can be autistic AND have other conditions too.
Bellerophon said:in other instances I seem very atypical
If you post some of these atypical behaviours etc. on this forum you may (probably?) get some "me too" replies or examples of similar behaviours.
I struggle with memory in a few ways...
I really struggle to picture myself and remember details of events where I know I was present. The memory of my life is like a brief series of bullet points that I've learned. The timeline is also pretty jumbled... I need to kind of work it out from a small selection of very significant starting points (leaving school, moving to UK, getting married etc.). I suspect this is also affects my ability to remember what people look like, their names etc.
The other memory issue is related to mono-focus... if I am working on a task I get hyper-focused and I feel like my brain flushes out random unrelated details. I have all sorts of systems in place to help me remember important stuff like taking meds, going for a walk, drinking water.
My memory & decision making ability significantly diminishes in proportion to how close to meltdown I am.
Before my self-diagnosis I blamed all this on decades of weed smoking, but I don't think that is the root cause now (although I'm sure it doesn't help).
I figure at some point I will post about some of my own behaviours, or just search previous topics of discussion for similar. It would obviously be nice to find some common ground with others here on particular issues or behaviours.
Certainly some aspects of your memory sound familiar. I guess it must be frustrating for it to affect things like remembering to take meds. Thinking about it, I do sometimes have that issue too. The very important stuff I do still tend to remember, but only the very important. If I think it's a good idea to start on something like a non-essential vitamin pill it's probably not going to happen. For what it's worth I'm glad you've worked out a system to help yourself (if my experience of memory issues is anything, I imagine its still difficult no matter the system).
Do you find smoking weed helps with other aspects of your life? I dont do it, but often wonder if it would help with various stress and anxiety symptoms.
My own "phantom cause" of my memory issues was Obstructive Sleep Apnoea. When I was diagnosed with that I secretly hoped my CPAP machine would usher in some new life for me, where I would start to remember all the things I ever wanted to
Then I hope that too, moon.
I wish I had some good advice for you. It sounds like a tough situation to be in. I don't have much experience with weed (or drugs inc alcohol in general- my mind doesn't get much altering) and sometimes I think for me that's a problem. But from here, it does at least sound like you understand your relationship with it, so you can have a measure of control over it.
Bellerophon said:Do you find smoking weed helps with other aspects of your life
I've reflected a lot on this since my autism self diagnosis 2 years ago.
I think it was most effective for me back in the day when it was a strictly after-dinner or at parties etc. It would definitely help me unwind and prevent insomnia after work, and help me relax/fit in at social events.
Now though I don't keep in the house - I'm struggling so much with life and my wife's physical & mental health that if i have some I will smoke it all day everyday.
I get a big bag when we go holiday or if things get particularly dire at home... I then binge all day every day for a week and detox. All it does in this context is let me totally ignore all the bad shite that's happening - for that week I do nothing but watch telly and play games.
So I'm just kicking all the issues down the road and then have to deal with them while detoxing (for about a week after I stop smoking I sleep extremely poorly).
I've also noticed that whilst stoned I don't (can't?) concentrate on computer programming or even play the usual cerebral games I like, and instead happily play fairly mindless action games etc. that normally can't hold my interest.
Even the TV I watch is different... I find very little TV grips me when sober, but I enjoy all sorts when I'm not (Excluding "Housewives of ...", Love Island etc. - I need fentanyl for those I suspect).
I hope one day that my daily life is bearable enough that I can go back to the quiet joint after dinner routine.